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Do what's best for your mom.
Tell her that this is better for her.Visit often and ask her if she needs anything else that the facility can't provide. A lot of Seniors in the facility are in the same boat and she will have or at least be asked to attend schedules of activities within. There are usually a doctor on hand and a nurse staff to assist. Don't feel bad,it's for the better.
Bobby
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It breaks my heart to hear about your dilemma. I know how tough it is, as I did have my mom in a memory care facility for the last 2 years. First let me say that moving for these fragile elderly demented people is very tough on all involved. Finding a "perfect" place is so hard. My mom was in the same one for over a year and a doctor purchased it from the only owner (for many years) and many residents got notice to move. I believe the doc decided she wanted easy and raised rent and changed to independent living. So unfair to each resident and their families.
I did manage to find a wonderful place, but was still a move for my mom. 3 weeks later my mom was rushed to ER. Dementia robs its victims of every single thing and eventually they can't even swallow. She started aspirating her food, causing low O2 and high BP. My mom did have a dnr and I wasn't about to have needles in her lungs to remove liquid (which would only return) or tubes down her throat to help her breathe. She was very peaceful and she did pass away 6 days after entering hospital. Even though she wasn't really mom for about 2 years, she never forgot her children and after calling out for her mom for almost a year, I believe she found her. I miss making her happy and somewhat grounding her a couple times every week.
I have to say how much I appreciated her primary care doctor of over 30 years and hospice. Her doctor retired about 3 years prior and he actually spoke TO HER and not around her! He knew I was listening and NEVER left her out...like following (younger) doctors did.
I got hospice involved the day before mom passed, to be under their care back at memory care facility. Because I did, they handled every little detail after she passed and I will be forever grateful.
I am of course, looking to widen our bathroom doors and get grab bars, etc... cause sure as heck, they will be needed in the future! You are lucky you have that done already. Find the right fit for your mom, while checking places out, pay close attention to the other residents, especially in the residential homes. They were my preference, because my mom couldn't be alone in an apartment type setting. Can you imagine being somewhere and not knowing where you are or who the people around you are or why you are there? There just has to be caring caregivers that keep their residents busy with picture books, painting, coloring or Lawrence Welk. When my mom asked to call her mom or brother, etc... I would just tell her that we'll call after dinner, when they are home. Of course, a few minutes later she forgot. Redirect! Your mom may not be that advanced in this terrible disease, called dementia...but I wish you the best in your search. In the end, doing every thing possible to make her happy, will leave you with no regrets. My mom and I were always very close...I always told her I would keep her with me ... until I couldn't anymore. I found early on, that it was not an option.
(4)
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My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you’ve always had a difficult relationship with your mom, and things are significantly more complicated and painful now. Rather than “age gracefully,” some of us are going to revert to angry & frightened dependency. The best thing you can do is to provide love and stability and the right amount of assistance/intervention. I’m sure you appreciate that care for advanced dementia is well beyond your family’s skills.

It’s hard to let go of independence - though it sounds like she’s completely dependent on you so she is likely clinging to an illusion. Many of the facilities do a great job with care, activities, etc. You might consider waiting to find a suitable facility before telling mom, if only to spare your family her (unjustified) fury. Better yet if you could find a couple of options and let her choose.
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I had never said the words"nursing home" to my mom. That's where their parents or grandparents went when they got older and frail and wasn't a good memory.
How about a move to somewhere that will assist with anything they need help with? When actual skilled nursing facility (nursing home) is needed, my guess is that they won't know the difference. Many memory care and or assisted living facilities will allow their residents to have hospice care, there...not having to move unless quite serious care is needed, such as stomach tubes for feeding, etc.
This just hurts my heart, as my mom just passed away 1 month ago. Yes, my worries are over. And yes, I will miss her forever!
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My heart goes out to you! Its quite a ride when all is on you. I dread the day if my mother has to be in a home (she is 95 and still on her own). You are a saint for all you have done. I can say don't feel guilty but I would feel the same way with the situation.Sounds like she knows she will be going to a home so the threats happen. I pray that my higher power will take her in her sleep when it is time. May God Bless you . You are a wonderful person.
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My mom felt the same about going to assisted living. 7 months in, she is doing fine, still loves me, admits it's a good thing I did for her, tells me I'm a good daughter. She adjusted quite well very quickly, but others take a little while. Just be sure it is a very good facility and that she will get the care she needs. Do research. 97yroldmom says to not tell her what's up until it's time to go. I agree with that. If she's left to worry over it for weeks it will be unbearable for you.
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I have so much empathy for you. My mom was so similar, (except for the haunting part.) She would throw things, almost hit me, said terrible things to me and my husband, slammed doors, and frightened my daughter. We finally put her into Assisted Living. She was angry for about 2-3 yrs. Now she is happy, in good spirits, and well cared for. She has been there for 7 yrs. She has forgiven me and tells me she loves me.
Part of what your mom is doing is the disease, another part is her own frustration of losing control, and another part may be her combative personality. But that means 2/3 of her behavior is disease-related.
Everything you are doing for her is in her best interests. You know that. Please keep that in mind continuously. You are a good daughter.
You may feel better after talking to a clergy person. I did and was shocked when he told me I was doing the right thing (you see what we daughters do to ourselves?!). You are caring for your mother and now realize she needs more help than what you can provide.
Get the best care for her that you can and then be gentle to yourself.
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I know my words really won't help, but please don't feel take anything personally or feel guilty, your mom won't remember what she says and as the disease progresses she may get meaner or she may turn into a very sweet person. Find the nicest place that your mother can afford or Medicaid will pay and move her there. This disease is horrible and remember it is the disease that is making your mom saying those things, she isn't her real self.

My mother is in late stages of Alzheimer's and my mother would make threats against my brother and myself.

In 2011, my parents came to my house for Thanksgiving and mom kept constantly repeating same question over and over, that worried me enough that I came home for Christmas (I lived 650 miles away) to observe her. I noticed mom seemed lost in all of the activities and she was quieter. I started making a list what I observed and my dad started calling me when she was in the shower and tell me things that mom was doing and saying. I mailed a copy to her doctor and came up there to visit, but mainly so I could go with her to see her doctor. Her doctor was great and after checking my mother over she asked my mother about her memory and mom said it was fine and I mentioned about her sister (sister & uncle had Alzheimer's) when was having memory issues, so her doctor told my mother due to her age as a preventative she wanted to send her to a specialist (neurologist) that if at a later date if she started having issues they would know how to address it and my mom agreed. My brother went with my dad and mom to the neurologist who stated that mom had Alzheimer's after testing and MRI.

My dad passed away in 2013 and my brother took over mom's care and her Alzheimer's started progressing rather fast. In 2015 my brother stated that mom's care was more than he could handle even with the home care that was set up when he was at work. We started having to make up "little white lies" so not to upset her so much. She would get mad over any little thing, yell and get very argumentative. We removed her vehicle and kept it at my brother's house, so she wouldn't try to drive.  When she would asked about her car, we told her that she let Aaron (grandson) borrow it while his vehicle was being fixed and she would say "oh I remember that". One day most of the silverware and canned food went missing and my brother had to search the house to find it. My mom would walk out of the house when my brother was sleeping or mowing the yard and he would have to go and find her and she would be mad saying she was going for a walk. They argued over the thermostat, she wanted the heat on all the time even in summer. The caregivers complained about that and my brother said he would turn air on when it got really hot only to wake up middle of the night sweating and find that mom had turn the air off or turned the heat on. She wanted to cook and would leave the stove on and pans on burner. She had a dog that she fed several times a day, because she didn't remember that she already fed him. If we pick up the food mom would throw a fit. There were many other issues, these were just a few.

We visited many facilities and found a great memory care center that the rooms are like mini apartments and after she adjusted being there about a couple months, she mentioned that she wanted to go back home and we told her (white lie) don't you remember you pick this place out, you told us that the house was too big and you were having trouble taking care of it herself and had decided to sell it, so we sold it for you. She has never asked about the money or how she is paying for her "apartment". We are using the sell of the house monies and their savings to pay for her care. At this facility she can stay in same room until she passes even when Medicaid takes over the cost.
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I was 8 years no contact with mthr when Adult Protective Services found me and asked me to come get her. I'd done the work mourning the mother I deserved and never had already, yet the last 6 years have been raw and painful anyway. I have to keep my distance.

STP said something very important: When she told her mother she was moving to NH/MC, the mother threatened suicide. I think this is a key point. When you have someone threatening suicide, this is the opportunity to have them admitted for a psych work up to get their medications straight. There are the usual drugs to get dementia patients calm and balanced, but it takes a while to get the right combo. It would be ideal for her to be in a psych ward for those changes to be monitored so she can enter the NH with the proper drugs on board. The right combo made my mthr decent and the nurses all thought she was so sweet (sadly she was still evil to me in private and in doctor waiting rooms where they could not see her in action!).

There's nothing like just having your leg clawed and hours later having a nurse tell you that your mthr is the sweetest patient she has. Grr.

I agree with everyone, you don't ask, you just do it. Warn the NH first so they know what to expect. Because of your tough history with mom, staying gone a week or two is a viable option so you don't get the full force of her wrath. You need to protect yourself as well as your kids, and you have the right to stay away when you know she will be ugly. If your doc thinks mom needs a stay to get her drugs done, I'd treat that the same way with a drop off if she does not help you out by threatening suicide so the EMTs will cart her away for you.

She's never been quite right, and you deserved a mom that was all there. Mine was missing something important inside which is why I call her mthr. I'm sorry that you did not have a good mom. But you have a second chance to have a good mother-child relationship, and that is with your own children. Take care of yourself so that you can be the mom your kids deserve.
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Firstly don't worry about 'what is left of our relationship' - from what you write she probably won't remember it - she is using guilt as a weapon & that is not love but controlling in a selfish way

Secondly once she is there - when you visit always bring something with you & this doesn't need to be expensive just something - I did this with my mom & she began to greet my with a smile as soon as she saw me because in her mind I was 'the bringer of treats' - I would pick up a speciality coffee, Timbits, a plant [not flowers because a plant lasts longer], return a sweater that I repaired for her [she saw this as an act of love], or even a drawing from your kids - I bought a cute metal 'vase' [unbreakable] at the dollar store & put a few artificial flowers in it so the when needed I could bring 1 or 2 new ones to add to it

Thirdly given how she has hidden other mental issues for years - this is her problem not yours so don't loose any sleep over her verbal assaults that are primarily designed to make you do as she wants even though it is not what the professionals think is best for her - I must admit that I fostered the idea with my mom that she was at 'rehab' type place until her arm was better then ask how her exercises where going even to handing her an exercise ball I had bought her which she would squeeze it about 3 times & forget what she was doing but she was content with being in the NH 'until I'm able to go back to my own place'

Good luck with your mom & despite what she may yell at you ... you have shown her love possibly more than she deserves given her prior issues - I pat you on your back & send a big hug for 'that time you need it'
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My Heart goes out to you because I'm facing a similar situation With my father being faced To sell his home and move in with my sister. Since I have paid the bills With our combined finances, there are debts which will upset him greatly, as will the loss of his beloved home. Given his emotional state, Tendency to blame me vs. anyone else and my sister's eager penchant to malign me, my dad will The rain and hate me. For the last 8 years, I've been devoted to him and consequently have nothing left so I will be left with nothing but the knowledge that I did everything I could. I have no nest egg because I have given all, But at least I know he will have a roof over his head and food to eat even though I may not. Know that in your Heart, you have done everything you did you did for love. Find solace in that. The group here will give you all the support we can.
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You mention how long it took to get a great doctor for your mom. I found a great doctor for my mother. Unfortunately, when she ended up in the nursing home, she had to use the facility gp. She could keep her specialist, but not the gp. So, when you are looking for a facility, make sure that the doctor(s) associated with that facility is good.....sadly, many are not. I have no experience with a person that has BPD, but is it possible that the BPD is exacerbating for being mistaken for dementia? How can you separate the two when it appears that she isn't being treated and found a good place for the BPD?
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1. I'm so sorry that you have had such a difficult mom. And now having to go through this makes it even tougher. It's hard enough to make the decision to bring someone into your home and family even if they are the nicest person ever but to have someone that has had problems all her life and disrupt your's, well....not sure I could have done it. 2. Coming from someone whose own mom had dementia for 12 plus years please hear me, she does not even remember saying that she will haunt you. Her brain is altered and things come out of their mouths that a "normal" person wouldn't say. My mom would have never used the language she used with me and and my dad but somehow, someway she came up with words that I even had to look up! When I would tell her she said it??......I MOST certainly did NOT!! Yes, the day I took her to the facility because I could no longer handle her will go down in infamy. I told her we were going for a drive (had a bag packed) (thought it would just be for a couple of weeks really just to give me and my dad some rest). Needless to say when I started to leave without her she was crying/screaming and I was crying and shaking. My situation was different though because I had had a wonderful relationship with my mom all my life and this was just plain awful. However, I knew it was the best for her , me and my dad. The facility told me not to come visit for about 2 weeks to give her time to settle in and find her new norm. The staff knows how to deal with dementia patients. I/we do not. Yes, facilities are very expensive. Medicaid, VA benefits (if her husband/s saw combat), etc. can help. Whatever you have to do, do it. You and your husband need to get your life back. She doesn't know or care what it's doing to you. I will pray that the social worker can help you find the best option/s for her AND you. Please don't worry about her forgiving you. That's not what's important here. Getting her the right help and getting your lives back is. Good luck and may God Bless.
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Dear Dear Wubba,

I know exactly how you feel. After my husbands stroke I faced the very same challenge.   I will make this short.   I had a dr say something to me that helped me.

He said , do you love and care for your husband. Of course I said yes. He said ok, there is no choice. For his safety and yours, it is the best thing you can do.  You are doing him no favor keeping him home. In fact, it is dangerous for him and you... emotionally and physically.

I did admit him. He was not happy at first, but he did get over it.  I was able to visit daily, which helped.  But, your mom needs to be in place she is cared for 24/7.   YOU, need to let other people help. You need to live your life as well. Do not hold on to guilt.  Know , you are doing what you NEED to do. For her and you!
xo
(11)
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You may think I'm awful but when it came to placing my mother in AL I told her it was only a temporary placement until she could get more stable on her feet. I have a bad back and really am unable to handle the day to day strain of helping her. She accepted that and is now in a memory care facility. She often asks when she is going home and we usually can just change the subject. Time really has no meaning to her at this point. We sold her home and cleaned out most of her things so I only bring her items that she really needs.
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First, you are an amazing woman and an amazing daughter. You put your love in action! So Always Remember That!

Talk to your Counselor about maybe not being there for the transfer/admission. Or be out of her site meeting with staff. This might be better.

Picking a facility:
You have two key facts for interviews of facility staff. She could not recall Day/Date/Month. She has outbursts of anger, which she does not remember later. So, ask for specifics on how they will handle her. Staff ratios and training levels for patients with her presentation! Get specifics! How will they handle it?
Do they have extensive activities to keep her engaged..based on attention span of a 2 year old? Will someone do this therapy in her room if she wants to stay in bed? Do a surprise visit around 6-7am. How many people are parked by Nursing Station for meds?..making it easier on staff vs patients.
If they don't allow a surprise visit, then you probably don't want to go there.
HIPPA does not mean you can't see any other patients or patient care, when choosing a facility. You can't ask patient names of staff, or conditions, but you can interact with them, observe them. This is very important. Remember, if a placement does not work, you can move her (breach of contract?).

I totally empathize with your issue with her previous doctor. Went through this, then with my friend Mom ( my neighbor).
Cognitive decline can mimic Psych Issues & Visa versa. Both are all about the brain...duh. From you comments about lifelong issues a Psych Diagnosis was probably involved. If her doctor bothered, he could have read DSM and had a better feel, and could have tried different meds.

Great that you have new doctors!
Regarding her anger,
Blame it on the doctor! Blame it on technology and meds were not available 10-30 years ago. She lived when there was no polio vaccine...go with that concept.

Maybe if old doctor gave her proper medicine sooner (skip that they were psych meds), this would not be happening.
You and she can not repair her damaged brain. Just like football players, they didn't know how to see the damage on tests in the past.
Also a Mini Mental Health Exam is a screening tool. In my trained opinion, you need to write State Medical Board that he did not do one until she was this far gone. Unforgivable! I am sorry, but you could find a version online or at the library. She would have flunked it a long time ago!!! He is endangering patients!!!

The point is, it is like taking your temp or BP....will indicate when something is wrong, but not what.
Soon you will know more of what, but window of effectiveness of new RXs is probably closed.
It will help to know if it was a stroke... different testing..but sounds like you have the right team now.

Don't worry about her outbursts. Glad to hear you are working on a plan to protect your mental health. She will forget. If the children overhear, have explaination ready. Work with your Counselor on this.
- She was telling Mommy a scary story.
- We we're acting...make pretend.
- Her brain got a BoBo, she doesn't know what she is saying. It happens sometimes when people get really old and sick.

🙏🙏🙏
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Hi,
Bravo for your honesty. I dont have a good/great, oh hell...even nice relationship with my mother- never did- but still struggle with doing the right thing. I had someone say to me- By trying to save one, your loosing 2. Didnt hit me at first, but the thought never went away, and believe it or not, the harder it is with her, the clearer the meaning.

I did the admiral thing, although I despise her. I was a mental wreck since childhood, ZERO self esteem, and thru the benefit of distance- I almost blew a 40 yr marriage once she moved here. I got physically sick, had heart surgery, an small stroke, went dam near broke and thats the short list!
I think your heart says Oh My, but your brain knows better. Dont take my path, take hard learned advice. Let her hate you, its fine. It wont change anything- NOTHING! UNTIL YOU let it. Your in control, you dont have dementia, BPD, why live like you do.

Hang in there girl, there are a lot of us out there, we hear you, respect you and send a few prayer your way. You got this!
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my heart goes out to you. Such a complex and difficult situation. I think that many people here have shared useful and wise thoughts. I would like to add something regarding the personality disorders that are not new but complicate the situation that you are now dealing with. There are emotional scars that come from being raised by someone with these - especially with BPD. It could be very healing for you to nurture yourself around this by reading, particating in a forum of others who have a loved one with BPD, and potentially seeing a therapist who specializes in dealing with personality disorders. A book that I found helpful - recommended to me by my therapist - is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. It has a wonderful companion workbook. The book also guides you to online forum. I wish you strength.
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Try not to call it a facility. If it is assisted living, some of these are like resorts- if it is one of those kind, call it the resort and try to "take advantage" of all the activities with her. It might change her outlook. I hope I never need memory care, but at some point, if I can afford one of those fancy assisted living places when the need arises-I won't fight.
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First of all, ... you are a great daughter to your Mom especially because of your fragile relationship. But because of her mental state, she doesn't see it that way. Trust me...she will as time gets away from her and doesn't mean anything anymore. You would think that she does sound a little bipolar when she forgets in the afternoon what she has said in the morning, but that's just the dementia. Mom won't even know where she is or be able to consider how much you have done to get the best care for her. The advantage that you have on your side is that she has dementia, no matter what kind. And her memory will progressively get worse. You and your family have given more than you should have to accommodate your Mom. In her day, nursing homes and those kinds of facilities had spurious connotations. My 95 year old mother told me that if I ever put her in a nursing home, she would "do" something to herself. Well, she hasn't yet and I don't think she will. We used the words "memory care" facility to her and that seemed to make a difference. Good luck. And, you're right, it won't be easy, but it is doable. Peace.
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Let me get this straight. If I impoverish myself and jeopardize my sanity trying to care for my mother with dementia, and she still has to go to nursing home, I get sympathy and prayers. But if I plan ahead to legally take control of demented mom's assets, sell mom's house, move her to another state, and eventually place her in a nursing home, I am the bad guy because I'm not doing what mom would've wanted.
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If she has dementia she'll forget she "hates" you and feel something else. It would be good to separate your job as a caregiver from your history as a kid. That history is clouding your decision making. When she's in a facility she'll get lots more care and will be much safer than being alone while you work.
I cared for my folks for 11 years and my relationship w/ my mother got worse and worse. We were both operating from 60 years' old frustrations when she had 8 children and I was the oldest, so the helper.
As an elderly person she said "no" to everything! When we moved her to AL she was cared for by very nice, but a rotating staff of nurses aides that she couldn't distinguish among. She still says no, but she smiles and gives in. She's happier than she has been since she married my Dad.
I guess the bottom line is that if your mother has dementia, all the nasty talk is about your very old relationship when she had control over you, a kid; her feeling of powerlessness; and the nasty feeling of losing her mind. Her care is what is paramount, followed secondly by your sanity. Ignore her rants and find a place where she'll be cared for, be safe and you can resume a reasonable family life.
Good luck and blessings.
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Beekee got it! Spot on accurate response! Beekee, you are a genius.
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isthisrealyreal's comment "I would not tell her she is going to a facility, I would say I am taking you to lunch and let the professionals handle the situation." is what I would also suggest.

There is no point to discussing it with her, and by not mentioning it, you won't have to argue or listen to her useless threats. Our mom would not consider moving ANYWHERE. The staff had told us to just get her there, they would handle it going forward.

It might also be good to stay away for a while, maybe 2 weeks, before visiting. Visits - how often and when and for how long - can be dealt with later. You may have to limit those as well, depending on how she adjusts. Staff can help by letting you know if there are better times of day for her (some people have sun-downing, and become unreasonable later in the day, but are good in the morning. Others might just be unreasonable any time of day!) If she starts on you during a visit, pack up and leave.

Arm yourself by reading up on dementia. Much of what she is saying/doing is the conditions she has talking. Don't take any of it to heart! However, she is not going to get any better (some medications can tone down some of the behavior, but it will progress), so you need to do what's best to protect yourself AND your children! Taking in a parent or another loved one is done with the best of intentions, but when that person is unmanageable it will not work. It was great for our grandmother, but she was easy to take care of and did not have dementia.

Don't worry about ruining your "relationship". It is what it is - clearly it was never the greatest. Whatever she says and does before, during and after moving her, don't take on the guilt. It is not anything you've done, so none of it is your fault. If she threatens to hate you or haunt you, remember they are just idle threats. She can say she hates you, but she can't haunt you (unless you let her!)

I knew there was no way I could live with my mother (brothers thought it was a great idea to take her in after hearing the cost of the facility!! AHAHAHA, never happened and that was for the best too!) No guilt. I ensure she is in a good place, well cared for and take care of everything else, so I've done what I can. You can only do what you are able to and keeping her in your home is NOT the best option.

One more thing - regarding expenses you have incurred: I would talk to an Elder Care attorney and/or a tax accountant (I found an Enrolled Agent, look up what this is online) to see if you can deduct any of the cost of care or modifications made for your mom. Usually EC atty will do an initial consult free of charge. S/he can also assist in signing up for Medicaid. EA should also be able to answer questions about the expenses, and if need be, handle the tax prep.
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Reno55;

"Try not to call it a facility. If it is assisted living, some of these are like resorts- if it is one of those kind, call it the resort and try to "take advantage" of all the activities with her. It might change her outlook."
More than likely it wouldn't matter if you called it the Taj Mahal. We picked out a nice place, but any discussion about moving ANYWHERE was met with adamant NO.

Also, you said: "I hope I never need memory care, but at some point, if I can afford one of those fancy assisted living places when the need arises-I won't fight."

Don't be so sure! Mom very often went on the tours and free lunches at the various ALs near where she lived. She would often say she needed to clean out/up in case she had to "get outta here." When I asked what she meant, she said AL. When the time came that she needed to move to a safe place, NOPE. We even tried bringing help in, only starting with 1 hr minimum to check on meds and safety. That lasted only a few months. She refused to let them in. In her mind she was independent, could take care of herself and could cook. Answer D: none of the above. The one time I ASKED about AL, she said PUGH, I wouldn't live in one of those places! One brother had to "trick" her into going, and although she went, it was begrudgingly and she was madder than a wet hen! That was all despite HER planning to move to AL when she needed it!!

Dementia has a mind of it's own....
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Just get it done, Wubba.

Then you can talk to your therapist about the yawning gulf between the relationship you longed for, and the one you actually had, and still have, with your mother. And with your mother no longer dominating your house, you might even be able to hear yourself think about what your therapist helps to make clear.

This will be okay, you know. Have faith. You can come to a realistic assessment of a person, and recognise certain truths, and still love her. I would even say that the love you feel must have greater validity, surely, when it isn't hidden in the FOG.

Whatever you have recently discovered and however much your understanding changes, your mother is still your mother and it is right that you go on caring about her, as you will. She still has real needs, physical, social and emotional. You will be able to supply them much more effectively, and with much less damage to the other important people in your life - including yourself - when you have all of the resources of a good facility to call on.

The main difference will be that you won't be constantly drawn back to the lifelong quest for the answer to her happiness and satisfaction. Which, as I'm sure you accept by now, does not really exist. Letting go of it properly, decisively, will be very difficult for you because it has always seemed so real, just out of reach; but then that's what therapy is for. Keep going :)
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I'm sorry. I see this entire situation in my future. Wish I could help. Stay strong.
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I agree with Reno55.....I still call it a facility but was corrected several times by different places when looking for my mom that they prefer to be called a community. I do like that better and in assisted living it really is. In memory care not so much but to get your mom there it's nice to say. Makes it sounds like family or retirement resort (not that your mom won't be horrible anyway but still it could help).
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Call it a retirement community, because when elders think of a facility they think about something horrible. Once you tour some of the places, you might want to take her to one of the free lunches at the place. When my relative had mild dementia, they were dead set against moving. I took them to the free lunch, they saw the place and they could not move fast enough. Maybe it will work out for you. Ultimately we, as adults, need to do what is best for our relative and accept the consequences. In my experience, once the person is at the community for a while, they are no longer angry or at least less angry with you. Be thankful you have a supportive husband--tell him how much you appreciate him. As for the kids, grandmom is going to say some disturbing things in their presence at some time regardless of where she lives. Be ready with an age appropriate explaination of her behaviour. You might want to consult a psychologist about this. Hang in there.
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Thanks for all your comments. I read every single one of them & am blown away by the support and advice you all offered so generously.

Mom's neurological evaluation is scheduled for mid-March and we've hired an amazing geriatric social worker to get us through the process. She's a perfect fit for mom. The social worker is a chaplain (my mom is a devout Catholic) and was a regional nursing home administrator for 20 years before opening her own practice. She came highly recommended. Her 1st meeting with mom is this week and she's going to start it off by administering communion and praying with mom. The goal of the first few appointments will be to develop trust with my mom and have an opportunity to get to know her. The cognitive evaluation (which the social worker arranged for) will be the next step. Once we have those findings reported, the social worker will present us with a long term care plan and timelines for our review. We'll have toured local facilities by that point, so that information combined with the cognitive report will have us prepared to begin the transition. The social worker told me yesterday that she can see why I'm such a mess right now. As she put it, I'm flying blind. I don't know the specifics of what's wrong with mom, what progression I should expect, or what the local options look like. It's no wonder I'm uneasy about everything. She feels the neurological report will make things crystal clear and I'll be viewing the situation from a place of knowledge. According to her, that'll help immensely.

I knew I loved her, though, when she told me that if mom's really uncooperative, she won't hesitate to come for a visit with a local priest and let him have a talking with her about what's in her long term best interests. Genius.

As some of you suggested, the social worker does not feel I'm the right person to guide the transition to a memory care community when the time comes. After speaking with my therapist, she believes that I was an "unfortunate" coping mechanism for my mom's mental illness throughout my life and that there's too much history of manipulation between us. Mom is never going to cooperate with me and my role in this situation needs to be a supporting one - I need to lead from the shadows and let the "team" (doctors, social worker, priests, etc) appear to be the true guiding forces in all this.

It'll all take time. The short term band-aid proposed by the social worker is adult day programs at local memory care facilities. She feels getting mom out of our house 2-3x/week will benefit the rest of the household far more than home health aides.

We had made booked a trip to Disney for the kids before all this happened with mom. I was thinking I had to cancel it but the social worker insists that it's a must for our family's mental health. She's working on finding an in-home caregiver for that week and is urging us to take this break before the tough work begins. She commented that this trip has the added benefits of getting me out of mom's line of vision so that mom's "team" can work with her directly without the "crutch" that I provide to mom's mental state.

By the time we return from our trip, we'll have a clearer picture of mom's health status, a direct understanding of the nearby facilities that are available, and will have provided the social worker our feedback on the community options she's shown us. Then we'll finalize the long term plan and mom's "team" - neurologist, social worker, doctor and priests will step in and begin directing the transition.
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