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How does one deal with the anger that comes from being alone with a spouse in long term care? It is difficult knowing that person will not ever come back to our home.

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Jswan, I think everyone has there own best way to get over anger, my way may not be your way.

But I'll share with you my feelings on anger.

I feel IT for a certain amount of time. I tell myself, let yourself be angry for a week or two, what ever I feel I can do. Then when that time is up , when I think of angry thoughts of people or situations I , tell myself over and over, NO, stop , love myself better, what ever I have to do to let it go.

Because bottom line is anger only hurts one person, it hurts YOU. Say I'm angry at my brother, does it hurt him, not at all, but it does hurt ME, and I don't want to hurt me anymore.
It's like holding onto a hot rock , for to long. That hot rock hurts, and the longer you hold onto it the more damage you are doing to your hand. The longer we hold on to anger the more damage we are doing to are brain and are body.

I'm so sorry about your husband, support groups, therapy, all good ideas. Join something at your library, knitting class, or whatever works for you.

Best of luck, hope that was a little helpful.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anger is one of the 5 Stages of grief: Shock, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. While you didn't expect to be living alone at this point in your life, your husband didn't expect to get dementia and need long term care, either. Old age can be a very difficult path to navigate for all concerned, that's for sure. My mother wound up with advanced dementia and living in Memory Care Assisted Living. She'd say all the time, "Who ever thought I'd wind up like this?" Truthfully, not many folks live to 95 as she did, so illness and disease go with the territory. She could've died of cancer at 50, but she didn't look at things that way.

See if you can find a grief support group to join locally. And a book club. And perhaps volunteer your time reading to children in the hospital. Visit your husband at his residence as you are able, too. He still loves you, and you him, so if possible, spend some time together. This journey is tough and I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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AlvaDeer Aug 25, 2024
Beautiful answer, Lea.
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So you are living with him in LTC? If so why? If that is the case I would move back into your home and visit him as you want to.

If that is not the case would you please provide us with more information.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Anger is one of the many stages of grieving and yes my dear, you are grieving even though your spouse is still alive.
It's called anticipatory grief and requires the same attention as when a loved one dies, which of course is grief counseling.
There are local Grief Share groups in your area, and of course you can seek out individual therapy sessions as well.
Seeking out a caregiver support group may be helpful too. You can "Google" to see if there are any in your area.
It's going to be ok and you're going to be ok. You are stronger than you know.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Whose anger? Yours? Or your spouse's? Or both?

You have to work on coming to peace with it if it's your own anger. You didn't create the situation and there aren't any other options to deal with it. It is what it is. Do not feel guilty, either. Grief: yes. Guilt: never.

If your spouse is the angry one, then if they are not on meds for anxiety/agitation they now need to be. If they are on meds already, maybe they need to be adjusted, which is a common issue. You tell them that they can't leave because the DOCTOR says they can't. You need to deflect their anger elsewhere.

I'm so sorry for this situation. May you receive peace in your heart.
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