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My Dad lives alone. He was my mom's sole caretaker until she passed in 2020 from Parkinson’s. Dad suffered a couple small strokes after her passing. He recovered well physically and was having some minor memory issues before she passed, but the memory issues are progressing.


He doesn’t drive anymore. I (his only child) manage his finances, hired a cleaning lady, arranged for meals on wheels and do his shopping. Three volunteers from church visit him Mom-Fri for an hour each evening to help him take his insulin and pills and I Handel the weekends. He can still dress, heat up meals in the microwave. I have to beg him to shower and change his clothes but he can handle this on his own. I installed ring cameras to help keep an eye on him.


He doesn’t want to leave his apartment that he’s lived in since he was a child (he’s now 81) but it’s evident to me and my husband that he would be better off in AL. I’m afraid of worse decline if he goes to an unfamiliar place but my family is also in the process of moving out of state to SC and haven’t been able to convince him to move with us. He doesn’t care that AL is so much cheaper in SC than where we live in NY. His finances would cover AL down south with no problem but he’ll wind up on Medicaid here in NY. He’s always been stubborn but it’s frustrating not having him be able to reason… I don’t want to go this route but can he be forced to move if I have guardianship?

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He doesn't sound all that independent to me. In fact, it sounds like he needs half the town to help him make it through the day.

Have everybody stop helping him and the situation will work itself to AL very quickly. Face it, he is already in AL, it's just you and the town doing all the work - for free.
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Di27813 Aug 2023
You’re right…he basically is in AL, but in his mind he’s doing fine and more importantly to him he’s still home.
Am thinking a ‘therapeutic fib” as someone suggested will be the way to go. I’m just afraid of it not working and him digging in his heals …there’s no way I will leave him in NY if/when we move. I am his healthcare proxy and POA. We have talked about him living with us first ( my hubby and college age daughter) but that means buying a bigger house and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to care for him as his needs increase. Lots to think about….just was wondering if guardianship would help or not even make a difference.
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We just went through that. No, you can't force someone into assisted living against their will. You need guardianship which is hard to get as there is a law against institutionalizing someone against their will. You can still see things on your camera, but if there is an incident, someone else will have to bail him out. And dementia can make people as stubborn as Missouri mules. They are also unable to reason. You could take him to visit an assisted living to show him what they are. My MIL didn't want to go at all and would not look. She is in rehab headed toward a nursing home. Assisted living may have prevented this from being nursing home now, but she insisted on living alone. And maybe being lonely without you there will change his mind better than anything. Who will get him his groceries or other things? Is he going to depend on people from church every day for his meds? I think you need to have his friends all help you convince him he should move to wherever you are.
The familiarity of a place is sometimes someone that old people cling to. He's probably clinging to the familiar. We could not move ANYTHING in my MIL's house even for safety reasons.

If only life were more easy when people get old.
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Di27813 Aug 2023
So very true…aging can be so very difficult for the person and their family.
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"Dad, we are moving and we really want you to come with us. You can have your own apartment and be independent. The weather is much milder so you can be more active and get out more, and we will be nearby."

If he agrees, find him a nice AL and be ready to move him there, NOT in with you. (That rarely turns out well.)

If he says no, and is competant to make that decision, then that is what you have to deal with. Make sure he understands that the offer to help him move down is open if he changes his mind. Expect him to, about the time the weather gets bad and he is all alone.

If he cannot manage on his own that will quickly become obvious even to him. Just make sure you have fiscal control so that he doesn't become a victim to an opportunistic "helper."
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As DPOA for my mom (activated due to her incompetence from dementia), I filled out paperwork for AL and moved her in. She was against it but didn't fight too hard.

Get a good fib ready and get things moving along. DO NOT buy a bigger house for him to live with you. You will regret both aspects in a very short amount of time. Instead get him to go with you and straight into a nice AL near your new place in SC.

He may not like it but that's really not the point. He needs to be safe and cared for and you need to do what you need to do and have a life.

Best of luck.
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Di27813 Aug 2023
Thank you so much. I’m thinking AL close to me will be the best for him and me.
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How severe is his dementia? Sometimes you just have to wait for an incident that will trigger placement. Something that lands him in the ER like a fall or a bad UTI. From there you tell them he lives alone and is unsafe in his house and you can not take care of him. They will help get him placed. Once he is placed in NY and his apartment is cleaned out and no longer a option you can work on getting him placed somewhere in SC near you.

You could also try a fib that he is going to come live with you and once there take him to the place you picked out saying his room at your house is still being painted and will take a little more time to get ready for him.

It sucks, but almost every single person I know who has had to put their parent in a facility has had to do it by covert means.
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I’ve just read a post that says “These places are full of lazy people who do not care and just want to make their own lives easy” and my jaw dropped when I realised that the poster was talking about the STAFF. The people who are overworked and underpaid, and usually do their best in difficult circumstances.

My guess is that ‘FamilyNeeded’ is one of the horror elders who EXPECTS family members to care for her while she does nothing but criticise. And perhaps thinks that she Needs Family (Needs a better Family) because the current lot have given up in disgust.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2023
She "gets so upset with people when they just want to dump their parents". Bring it on, dumpers!
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Yes and No
If he is still competent then you can not "force" him to move.
Do you have Guardianship? Or will you have to obtain it?
If you do not have to become his Guardian don't do it.
If he is still competent, (most lawyers will have a conversation with a person and if they determine that he is competent then you would be better off getting POA for Health and Financial matters.
Getting Guardianship is expensive and it is a LOT of paperwork.

Moving him will set him back a bit. Does not matter if you are moving him to AL where he is now or in SC.
You can tell him that you are moving.
If he is decisional he can make the decision to move with you to AL or remain where he is.
Is it possible that with the help of the people that come in and help care for him that he could remain where he is? You would probably have to hire people to come in on the weekends. If this is not possible (and I would do this only if he is healthy and the people that come in can be trusted to continue to do so.) The advantage of him staying where he is he has a friend network where he is, he has a community where he is comfortable and knows the area.
The big disadvantage is that you will be hours away from him if something does happen.

The safest thing to do is to tell him that you are moving and he has to move as well. Your next trip to SC you should scout a few AL and find out what requirements are needed. (health forms, TB skin test (or blood test).
Prepare for him to decline, maybe dramatically.
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Ah, thank you for clarifying that currently you do NOT have guardianship...

PoA or guardianship, either won't be much help if he *physically* resists leaving. So, start working on a therapeutic fib. Also consider meds for agitation/anxiety before the move if he isn't already on any (and is compliant in taking them). This may help his level of cooperation for the move.

In my earlier post I mentioned my cousin who had to physically be picked up and carried into the ER by her son... she was NEVER that way before her ALZ. She kicked and bit him. So, just because a person wasn't "like that" in their previous years doesn't mean they won't resort to that in the moment. You will need a plan for this possibility. The police won't be of help in this situation.

Are you driving to SC or flying?
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Di27813 Aug 2023
Yes…I’ve heard of people acting very out of character. Most likely driving but I may fly down with my Dad. That’s all still a way off but will have to start thinking of that too. Any advice is appreciated.
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Going back to the first answer, Dad is NOT independent. He is being propped up by you and lots of others. He is also being propped up by your assurances and his belief that “there is no way I will leave him in NY if/when we move”. Especially by the ‘if’.

'Forcing him into care' is not going to go well. He needs to find out for himself that he can’t cope on his own. Sack the cleaning lady (who probably does other jobs as well), and stop doing his shopping. If that seems a bit harsh, taper it off so he runs out of things he likes.

Perhaps discuss the situation with Meals on Wheels. You arranged it and are probably responsible on their books. If you get yourself out of responsibility, he may find it difficult to sort it out again (and food is the quickest and safest way to make it clear that he needs help). Also discuss the problem with the Church ladies, so they know what is going on. Say that if they continue, they will need to take over the weekend med shift as well.

Good luck!
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If you do anything, I would do it while you are in the same state.

I live in California and this was what I was advised to do by a memory care supervisor. I had POA, My husband had dementia and would not go to a doctor. He had lived in our home most of his life. APS said there was nothing I could do, because he had "rights". The supervisor said no one wants to go to menory care and gave me some "magic" words to use. I called 911, told them I was his wife, I had POA and he had dementia. He needed to go to the hospital for an evaluation. It worked, the medics came in, he fought them off, they wrapped him in the sheet off the bed and carted him off to the hospital. The plan was the memory care would pick him up. but it turned out his kidneys had failed and he had only about 10 days to live, so I canceled memory care, we got hospice and brought him home. He lasted just a few days, but he was pain free.

I would try to get him to a doctor to see if he has dementia,
Stop all that help coming in and stop enabling him .
Since you have POA talk to his/your attorney to see where you stand legally, then act.
You can always get him moved after you are moved.
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