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My father is 91 years old. He has slight cognitive decline and mobility issues due to arthritis. Since I live closest to him, my daughter and I alternate times to go over to the house and help with meals, laundry and running the household. My brother has financial POA. Since my daughter and I are spending over 20 hours a week with my dad, the general consensus between siblings was to pay ourselves a nominal amount for our time and services. Recently, my brother placed a security camera in my dad's living room. He said it was to check in on my dad a few times a day to make sure he's okay when nobody is there. On a weekly basis, my daughter and I send our estimated hours/schedule to my siblings. This is not a job on an assembly line. Turns out that my brother and his future wife are stalking us. E-mails and voicemails from the future wife informing us that we said we'd be there at 4:00 but didn't get there until 4:20. Your daughter should be cleaning the house instead of sitting on the couch (she's a college student who studies while she's there if my dad is resting). There are two missing checks from my Dad's checkbook and my daughter and I are being accused of stealing them. My daughter and I aren't stressed watching my Dad. My brother's future wife is causing all of the stress. Yesterday I had three voicemail messages from her demanding that I call her back to let her know what I did with the missing checks and to explain why we weren't adhering to the times we committed to. Since we have started to pay ourselves, I have always adjusted the hours worked in regards to pay. Is it legal for them to use the security camera to watch out every move? This is a family matter. I don't need to be micromanaged by anybody. I'm at my wits end.

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If you use Google maps on a cellphone, your Timeline will tell you exactly what time you got there and exactly what time you leave. I found this out by accident but it's incidentally reassuring to have it in case my line manager ever rips my ears off (again) about a client visit from three weeks back that I happen not to remember in every detail.

Anyhoooo... this is the trouble when you are doing something out of the kindness of your heart that however costs you real money so it is agreed informally that you should be compensated more by way of appreciation than real pay but then somebody goes all accountant-y on you and fur is rubbed up the wrong way all round. Either your brother or your SIL is being what my son would call by a very vulgar name indeed so I don't want to repeat it; but you are NOT hired labour and you ought not to tolerate this nonsense for another microsecond.

You're going to have to talk to your brother about it.

The security camera is fine as long as it doesn't bother your Dad. Have you considered mooning your SIL?
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diofdi Sep 2021
Thanks. Meeting with my brother to discuss and to remove the intrusive camera.
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Brother's "future wife" is not part of this picture, and it's time to let her know that in no uncertain terms. Your brother has POA, and if he isn't interested in handling the task, then the next successor POA should take over. The girlfriend is not on the list, I'm sure, and by law, your brother may not hand over the task to her. You might remind your brother that his power of attorney duties are no small issue, but rather a job that requires fiduciary tasks with legal consequences for mishandling.
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diofdi Sep 2021
Thank you for your input. After speaking with my brother and sister, the future SIL will be out of the picture for now. Hopefully forever. Future SIL was caring for her elderly mother. She had POA and her siblings took it away from her. Don't know what happened, but just shows that she's a troublemaker!!
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Wow. Pretty bold, huh?
Have you discussed this with your brother? This should be an in person meeting between you and him, and she is not to attend. You may want to do this in the attorney’s office, if you had one draw up the POA, just to remove some of the emotions from it and to have a mediator/ witness to help establish boundaries and expectations. I would say that he is complicit in this, so he bears some blame as well. Call some homecare services and get price quotes for comparable work. If you can’t set boundaries as to what’s acceptable then he should handle scheduling and engaging aides ( and finding coverage when they cancel). Then you can revert back to visiting socially with your dad. I know you help him out of love, but the lack of trust and understanding about caregiving doesn’t bode well.
If the care you are providing is task oriented ( ie, laundry is done once a week) then take a weekly lump sum for services provided, not a clock-in, clock-out hourly rate.
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You are being treated terribly. Where is your brother in all this?
Ignore future sister in law and only speak with your brother. Ask your brother where the missing checks are. After all he is the financial POA. If you do not get paid quit and have him hire what ever your Dad needs.
I think I would cover the camera up when I was there just to upset her!
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Santalynn Sep 2021
The 'missing checks' seem suspicious to me...of the future SIL! She may have just taken them, voided them, to set up this accusing tone with you; notify the bank, get the bank involved in a simple way to protect yourself. And get all your pay agreements in writing. Glad to hear you're cutting SIL out of the situation, so that brother has to be straight with you. (And covering the camera is a great idea, do it playfully to 'get her goat'!)
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If at some point you and your daughter will be doing more physical care for your dad and spending more time with him pls consider getting a cna certificate. You are than considered a professional and legally can be paid the legal pay rate. I learned this through a 3 year court battle with my 2 sisters as I was the only one who took care of my father 24/7 for 6 years.
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Sounds like you can communicate with your brother based on your comments below. I see options.

1. Walk in, say hi to brother & turn off the camera until you leave. Dad doesn’t need monitoring if you are there. Does dad know he’s being monitored??? It’s his home & his invasion of privacy. Financial POA may have limits.
2. Negotiate a flat rate payment for the week (rate to be renegotiated if dad’s needs increase). Remote access employers don’t dictate how work is done; they only expect results.
3. Resign. And walk. If an employer improperly accuses an employee of theft (wages, items, etc), that’s not trivial.
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my2cents Sep 2021
Not true about remote employers. Many of them monitor computer 'on-time' and activity. Even flat rate employees signed up to work X number of hours a week and to be at work on time. (I'm not sure what happened to punctuality with employees, but I saw it go out the window where I worked and it was annoying for others to get there on time while others grabbed a paid fringe benefit that only they enjoyed)
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glad it seems resolved, its hard enough caring for parents without such feeling of being watched by other family. Its certainly a learning kerb when we face sharing family care. Good luck and hope your brother continues to support you in the right way, if not then tell him directly.
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How close are you to your brother? Is he aware of all this micromanaging? Do you truly need the money? If you can manage without this "job", then you might explain to your brother that the stress caused by this "new job situation" will lead you to quitting. Which is a shame because it was working before. Which would also mean that brother would have to figure out aides on an ongoing basis.
You are fine with dad, but the work situation as it now stands are going to force you to stand back to protect your mental health.
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Respectfully tell sibling and future wife you aren't their employee where you punch a time clock. Keep general track of your hours.

If it continues tell sibling he can hire home health aides for dad then you are free to visit dad and do for him as you want to give to your dad/grandad as a loving gift.
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My Sister has only taken my Dad a couple times in the past 10 years . Last year I paid for all the groceries and cleaning products. I started to look to hire help in June and these people are paid $30 - $50 a hour and they do what I have been doing the past several years . No one is a nurse or CNA but personal assistants . I realized I work from 9 am - 5 pm and check on him at bedtime , move cars , pay bills , buy groceries , do laundry 🧺, cook , Doctor and dentist appointments, change bandages , entertain , get the mail , take out trash 🗑 , clean 🧽 I don’t have a life . When you realize how much energy goes into taking care of someone else and put a dollar figure on the Job I would cost $500 a week . She accused me of being in Easy street ? Yet never had spent much time with him . More boundaries are going to be made . He has gotten aggressive and belligerent and made comments like “ You get free rent “. There is nothing free about this . Most times I just want to get in my car and leave . It’s going on 10 years of dealing with him
snd he is getting weaker and more abusive . I am thinking about paying myself a salary or hiring help .
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2021
RUN, dont walk away from all this nonsense!!! You are aware the figures state that 30-35% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.
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