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My mom said, “never put me in a nursing home”. She’s 89 now and had a stroke affecting her memory. She was a cruel mother, physically and emotionally abusive. When she had the stroke I moved in with her. I do everything for her. She is depressed, and has been most of her life. There is an absence of joy, regardless of my efforts to rouse her. Consequently, my health is suffering. I’m not sure how long I can maintain. I’m unhappy and there is no relief. My brother is estranged and has been for 15 years, because of her behavior towards him. It’s a dysfunctional family. I am the eternal daughter, unfortunately. What can I do?

You have the keys to your own prison.

You are not powerless. In fact, you have all the power.

You aren’t resigned to anything. You don’t have to do a damn thing she expects you to do.

Get her placed somewhere decent and start healing the wounds she inflicted.
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Anxietynacy Aug 18, 2024
I love that , loopy
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Your mother demanded that you never put her in a nursing home. That was and is unrealistic and unreasonable. So put her in a nursing home. She’ll get the care she needs and you will be free.

As a grown woman, you get to choose how you live, not your (abusive selfish cruel and inconsiderate) mom.
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The old 'never put me in a NH'.

Based on fear. Of handed down tales (or memories) of dank, dire, smelly old places.

Modern assisted living is not perfect. Far from. But usually much more pleasant, with more light, less odours, activities & a cafe or garden.

Visit some. Research costs.

Options. Mom can;
A. Stay at home, completely independant until the day she passes.
B. Age at home, hiring all the help she needs in her home.
C. Move into a care home that supplies the support she needs.

Note: There is no option called Adult Children must provide all care with their own hands or finances. That would be *wishful thinking*.

IF adult children do provide this it is a GIFT, freely given, for the time they choose to.
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rstinne Aug 18, 2024
Thank you
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Yes I was there where you are. My parents were 94 when we could no longer care for my father at home. He needed more care than the aides and my sisters could handle. We had needed to call the fire department to get him out of bed in the mornings.

We placed our mother in the same NH last August because she could no be alone any longer and did not have enough money to pay for 24/7 care. She died in June. She was cruel too. She was an abusive bully.

Placing them was the right thing to do.

It was the most ugly miserable chapter of my life. It is not over yet but it is getting easier with my mother gone and their house being sold.

If you can’t do it any longer then you should not. Don’t feel guilty, it is not your fault that she is old. She could linger a long time like my parents did.
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rstinne Aug 18, 2024
Am I wrong to hope she doesn’t linger? My chapter is a year old now…perhaps it’s just beginning.
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You aren't responsible for her happiness. I agree you've been groomed to think so. Don't do anything out of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG) as this is dysfunctional.

You tell her a therapeutic fib that she has to go somewhere "temporarily" -- and you don't pay for it, she does. Then don't visit her unless you really want to or it makes you happy to do so.

Refusing to orbit around your abuser is called Poetic Justice. By putting her into a NH you both get what you deserve here on earth.

May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on with a healthier life.
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rstinne Aug 18, 2024
Thank you for your kindness
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So an abusive mother issued an unreasonable demand and you, as a fully formed adult who’s free to make your own choices, somehow believes you have to bow to her demand? Wow, she really did a number on you! And I’m really sorry for that. Your brother saw her for the abusive, mean woman she is and wisely distanced himself. You’re free to do exactly the same. The prison is of your own making, and the release is as easy as leaving. Let her know you’re no longer available, no big explanation needed, and go live your life. She will be unhappy no matter what you do, she’s long ago chosen to be miserable and the issues of aging are only adding to it. Others can provide her care. I’d love you to come back and let us know you’ve left and chosen to build a positive life for yourself.
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rstinne Aug 18, 2024
You’re right. My brother was the wise one. I’ve said it to myself many times. However, it’s not so easy as just leaving. The dynamics are twisted with 64 years (my age) of history. Thank you for your kindness.
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"Never put me in a nursing home" And I would have said back "then you better be nice to me".

Its time to place her. Her care is becoming too much for you. An abused child should never care of the abuser. If she doesn't have money, then you apply for Medicaid. If you have been her Caregiver for at least 2 yrs, you maybe able to stay in the home.
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Why does your mother have the right to tell YOU "never put me in a nursing home" when SHE was a cruel mother, physically and emotionally abusive? Guess what? She gave up her rights the moment she stopped being a mother to you! Yet here you are, asking what can I do?

Get her arse into managed care immediately. That's what you can do!
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Yes many of us have felt your way, many have been where you are right now.

Your mom groomed you at a young age to be her caregiver, now you have to deprogram yourself, so you can take your life back!!

Therapy is a good place to start but expensive and your probably busy caregiving, so if you can't go to therapy, I would start by reading everyones stories on here, read some self help books, my favorite is , codependency no more, by Melody Beattys. Read up on dementia anything you can find. Educating yourself on everything is power.

You need to find away to find your happiness and peace of mind before it effects you physically, caregiving cause PTSD it changes your brain chemistry. Expesially long term in a disfuctional family.

There is help , you took the first step reaching out to people that have been there
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rstinne Aug 18, 2024
Thank you for suggestions. I will get the book and start studying.
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Everyone has given great advice for the most part but just in case you need one more person to say it…I’ll chime in too.

Walk away! Call Adult Protection Services and tell them that there is a vulnerable adult and that you are not willing/able to give her the care she needs.

You owe your abuser NOTHING. Her demands are her problem, not yours.

Failure to plan on her part does not equal obligation on your part.

I hope you will love yourself enough to stop the madness immediately. You deserve to live your life your way!!

i wish you all the best and will be praying that your situation is soon rectified in your favor!!
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