Follow
Share

My mother has always loved making everyone do everything for her. She never renewed her drivers license after her first child was born so my dad drove her to the grocery store every week, to all of our dr appointments, and any and all errands such as shopping and picking up burgers. My dad begged her to get her licenses renewed but she refused.
Years later when I turned 19, my dad passed and I was expected to drive my mom anywhere she needed to go from weekly grocery shopping , picking up her medications , dr appointments, bank , any birthday or xmas shopping , drive her to work in the morning before I started my job , sometimes pick her up from work ( Sonetimes she took the bus0.
I am now in my early 40s and I am still expected to be her driver at all times. She gets extremely angry if I say I can’t this week and I get the silent treatment and she tells my siblings I am mean etc . My mom Is perfectly able to drive herself. She has always been in good health etc. not disabled. There is no reason why she can’t do things for herself. One day she called me to help put a mattress cover on her bed and while I was there she made me hang up all her pictures and her shower curtain. Mind you. She isn’t disabled.
She doesn’t have any friends. She loves football. So she asked me and my other sis if we could watch the steelers game at restaurant that is a 45 min drive every Sunday. If we say no we can’t this weekend she gets angry and starts the guilt trip on how all she wants is to watch the game at the restaurant and she pouts.
She has actually called me or my sis to change light bulbs! When her tv went out I drove her to store to get new one and she made me do all of the hook up of cable etc ( she won’t even try to do anything on her own ). She just calls me or my sis and if we can’t she says things like “ if you girls can’t take me to my dr appointments I’m going to tell my dr I can’t make it bc none of my 3 girls will take me. I have even given her the number to the cities free rides that are offered to senior citizens that get them to the dr appointments and take them home and they also provide free rides to grocery stores. Her excuse to not use it is she doesn’t want to get in car with strangers or what if her dr runs late and the free service leaves her. She refuses to take the city bus bc she says she might get robbed. The bus system in this city is excellent! They run frequently and she gets a nice discount for being senior citizen.
Since she has always acted so helpless she hasn’t seen her grandkids unless one of her kids picks her up and drops her off etc. we are just to busy to do that all of the time. She has retired a few years ago. Still in great health where she can do things on her own but she refuses. Instead she expects her kids to take off work to drive her to her 100 errands like dr appointments, hair salon , grocery shopping , pick up her medications , . I have recently started resenting her and I am tired of being at her beck snd cslll when I have a full time job , have to go to my own dr appointments, I have been taking my cats to their appointments, having to take care of my house etc and I just got very angry a few weeks ago when I started feeling beyond fed up at the surprise of extta errands she throws upon me when I think I’m just taking her to grocery store. When I show up she also has me running her to the bank because she says it only take a min , then to Walgreens , then grocery shopping , then pick her up burgers because she is to tired to cook after all this running around. I end up spending 8-9 hours driving her everywhere. She never says thank you. I am ready to move to another state to get away from her

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Your mother isn't "making" you do anything....you are choosing to obey her passive aggressive manipulations. In other words, all of her ploys are WORKING! The silent treatment, the pouting, the lame excuses, the helpless act.....its all worked beautifully to the point where she hasn't had to drive anywhere or hire anyone or do anything for herself since your dad passed! You children have agreed to take over for him, is what happened.

Now is the time to say ENOUGH. You either stand up for yourselves as adults now or you move far enough away where you can no longer be her chauffeur, handyman and entertainment committee.

She either pulls on her big girl pants and gets a new license or she rides the big bad bus or calls an Uber, like the rest of the world does. Learn to say NO mom, I can't possibly do that. Set down some strong and unwavering boundaries where you see her once a week (or whatever) for X amount of time and agree to do X amount of things. Have it all set up in your mind and let HER know YOUR schedule. When she gets mad and throws a fit, oh well, she'll get over it. Or she won't and then you're REALLY off the hook! 🤣

Otherwise, you are a slave to her whims which change like the wind. She'll use and build on her arsenal of passive aggressive tricks and tools to guilt and shame you into doing all of the things she's perfectly capable of doing herself. She's just too lazy and hey, it's worked THIS long, so why fix what isn't broken (in her mind)?

Hopefully you and your sisters can present a united front to your mother now, while you still can. Force her to do for herself or by the time she gets really old, you'll be moving her into your home and waiting on her hand and foot, 24/7 as she reverts to being a baby again.....no joke. You can see these women coming a mile away. I have a mother like this myself and use tough love ALL THE TIME. It's a necessity. She's STILL blaming my father for giving her a miserable life.......and he died almost SIX YEARS ago!

Good luck....toughen up. You can do this!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Unless your mother has a gun in her hand, she is not MAKING you be her driver.

You CAN say no.

Repeat this out loud until YOU believe it:

“Mother, I can’t POSSIBLY do that. Here is what I CAN do:

Cheering you in from here!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
So well said. Circumstances aren’t always as they seem to be.

Very often, it’s emotional blackmail and others attempting to control but we have to find the strength to break away.
(3)
Report
I have been in this type of relationship for the past 10 years caring for my mother who is 87. I am in my fifties. When I was younger and still living in my parent’s house she did the exact same things. Since your dad died she has transferred who she manipulates from her husband to her children. I have heard all the same excuses you have. It’s not easy to be in this type of relationship because to her if this worked on your dad it “should” work on you. Welcome to the world of “enmeshed” relationships. You mother did the same thing to your dad and he made her happy “Happy wife, happy life”. I feel like a default husband to my 87 year old mother. Do some research on “Emotional incest” and “Enmeshed relationships” there are several good videos on YouTube. You will need to start setting limits and you will need to start standing up to your mother, more and more. It will get worse.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This sounds bizarre! Why on earth are you and your sisters doing all this? It sounds as though your mother had your father well under her thumb, and when he died you drifted into keeping things as they were.

The best thing to do would be to get together with your sisters and talk the whole thing through. If you just stop on your own, there will be pressure on your sisters and your relationship with them will suffer. You need a shared game plan.

You may be willing to do some jobs for your mother, or you may just stop! There will of course be a huge hissy fit, but if you have a joint game plan you will cope with it. It would help if you give your mother some phone numbers and websites for the things she will need to organise herself. That is a very responsible move for you all to make, you won’t just be walking out on her.

What you are doing is not ‘normal’, and don’t let your mother pretend it is. Most of the carers on this site are the same age as your mother, and are certainly not being cared for themselves.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Oh I have given her the phone number to the free rides cleveland offers to senior citizens to their dr appointments and back home. They also provide free rides to grocery store and back home ! I also told her about getting her medications delivered to her apartment! My sis set it up. My mom used it for maybe a month or two and claimed she was afraid someone was going to steal her meds so she stopped. I recently told my mom she could order her groceries online and get them delivered to her place for a very small fee. I told her I would show her how to do it. I actually order mine ahead of time and pick it up where they carry it to my car. Mind you my mom gets on FB and post all the time. She sends us pictures and texts us and she uses the Walgreens app. My mom could def figure out how to order her groceries ….. but she told me she wasn’t interested. It’s not like she has anything else to do. I know she is fully capable of doing all these things to make her life and her kids easier but she refuses
(1)
Report
“Expected”? By what legally authorized authority? Are you saying “no”? Loudly? Meaning it?

You have “STARTED RESENTING HER”? It has taken you a few decades to get there? SAY NO.

Saying “no” is A LOT SIMPLER THAN MOVING. Don’t argue, practice saying it sweetly, gently, forcefully, PASSIONATELY.

Will she be mad? Sure. Say NO.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Oh my gosh, she doesn’t want a driver. She wants a personal assistant that does it all!

My oldest brother did this too. He wrecked his vehicle. Then expected me to be his chauffeur all over creation. It becomes too much.

She has used not renewing her license to be able to control others.

Place Uber on her phone and show her how to use it if she is opposed to the bus.

If Uber is out than write the names and numbers of a couple of reputable cab companies for her to use.

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
I told her about uber but she said no she isn’t getting in cars with strangers. The yellow cabs went out of business in Cleveland. Funny thjng tho … I told her my patients who are her age and older are way more independent then her and they drive themselves to their drs and shopping etc. I told her if she got her license she could drive to see her grandkids , drive to parks , museums , do whatever she wanted bc she could. Bc her health was so good right now that she should take advantage of being retired and able to travel and do whatever she wanted. She just ignored me. She did mention one time that she can’t afford a car and insurance but she gave my sis 8-9 thousand dollars for downpayment on her new home and she tells me she puts money every month away into her savings for emergencies and she told me she has thousands in the bank right now. So I know she can afford a used car. Then my sis told her if she just got her license then she could borrow her car and take herself to drs and shopping etc. well my mom ignored that too
(1)
Report
If you can't say "No mom, I won't be able to do that" without caving to her tears and tantrums, then yes, you probably need to move.

There is a wonderful book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Please get hold of a copy and start putting some health boundaries into place.

You can love your mother without being her slave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Please stop listening to any guilt attempts. Your mother has been enabled for far too long, it won’t be easy to change for her. But that doesn’t mean you need to participate in the enabling. The good thing about adulthood is being able to make your own choices and not having to justify them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You and your siblings have enabled her behaviour for 21 years.

It is up to you to say no, I cannot do that. Then hang up the phone.

She will carry on, but that is her problem not yours.

If you agree to take her grocery shopping be clear that is all you will do that day. Drive her to one store and once you are finished shopping drive her home. It does not matter that she wants to do 10 more things, you agreed to one and that is all you do.If you go to her house be clear as to how much time you will spend there and what projects you will do and which ones you will not do. When your time is up, you leave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Oh I think you are correct on the enabling. I hate to admit that but I think that is why my one sis refuses to help our mother. One day my one sis said she doesn’t have time to spend hours at the grocery store with our mom ( if you count the drive time and the 1.5 hours she takes browsing the store it can be an all day event ). I did start to think bc I rarely said no that I was enabling this behavior. Sometimes I feel like a bad child if I say no but on the other hand my mom is very fortunate to be in the good health she is in and be able to do everything on her own right now. It’s frustrating. I did tell her I was thinking about moving out of state in the next year. I did offer her to stay the winters with me when I move ( bc I will be relocating to much warmer place and she hates winters ). She said she didn’t think she wanted to go. I figured I could share the some of the running around with my one sis if I had mom 3- 6months out of the year . It’s exhausting
(1)
Report
You really don't need to move to another state, or to do anything at all. That is the answer, stop doing all this stuff. Just stop. I hope you do not live with her or she with you. If you are mom-free you are on your way to winning this one. Since she is healthy and capable, you are free to just ignore her. I think you will find this very restful. Let her pout, or whatever she does to manipulate you. Remember the old Gomer Pyle TV show and Sgt. Carter --"I can't hear you!" It may be hard at first but it will get easier and even quite a natural thing for you to do. And you know what? You will be doing her a big favor! Encouraging her to grow up! After all, when she declines and does truly need help, maybe there will be some "emotional capital" in her account, rather than dribbled away in childish tantrums.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter