Has anyone ever taken their loved one out of memory care and moved them back home?

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Has anyone ever taken their loved one out of memory care and moved them back home?

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My husband has been in memory care for about a year, during the Covid shutdown. Since I have been visiting him on a regular basis now, he seems really stable. Today the doctor wants to take him off 2 of his medicines that may have been making him drowsy. He is incontinent however and a little unstable on his feet but I’m thinking with help from a caregiver I could bring him home. My hesitation is that this stability may not last and then I would have to go through the whole process of getting him in a decent place again (since there’s no guarantee he could go back to same place). He seems happy and content there. Am I just being selfish because I miss him so much? My family is telling me he is doing well because he is getting good care and they remember what I went through before. He had started wandering and was not always sleeping when he was home but he seems to have passed through that stage. Thoughts on this?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Memory Care

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Please do not take him home...if he has dementia (ALZ etc.) it only gets worse. You currently have a life! Taking care of an Alz. patient is NOT easy or fun! It is a 24/7/365 commitment! They do not get better, only worse. They do have shining moments when they almost seem like they used to be and then they fall off the edge...PLEASE for you and your family leave him where he is doing well.

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Thank you everyone for such thoughtful, caring answers. I know the best place for him is where he is. We do have such lovely (and sometimes funny) visits together. I will count my blessings that I was able to get him in a good place that is really convenient to where I live. Thanks all.

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JColl7: Thank you for your update.

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i know it sounds harsh but "leave him there".......he is getting the care he needs, YOU are RESTED and can visit when you want and be his loving wife.......not the worn out, tired, frustrated, scared, angry wife that will be burnt out even with a helpful caregiver that you hope will be reliable and trustworth, etc. IF he is doing good and has adjusted.........WHY move him? Do what is best for HIM and not you, because YOU feel he should be at home. We would all love to have our loved ones in their own home, where they know stuff.......but it can't always happen. My mother has been in nursing home since April (her decision) and I am glad that I can visit when I want (she is on compassion care)..........and even now I still sometimes worry that she is okay. Not because I know she isn't being cared for, but that is just how I am. I know that neither me nor a 24/7 caregiver could do and handle what needs to be done. And for your hubby, things will get worse and require more time, energy, that you might not have to handle.......then if you decide to put back into memory care, like you said, you will have to "restart all over" again. I suggest you let him there and you visit when you can. I wish you luck.

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I felt compelled to add to my post as we did visit a memory care unit the other day and we were shocked. I plan to look at others but I could not put my Mother there. The memory care part of the community was way in the back and behind heavy doors. The lighting was very uncomfortable in the main area and not very clean. They had a separate dining area that was not as elegant as the main assisted living dining area and quite frankly was not pleasant. It was as if they were separating the memory care folks from the main area as if they were embarased by them. I know this disease comes with uncomfortable things like incontinence and unpleasant behavior but for the money you pay for memory care I feel that they could at least build a separate building if they want to separate the assisted living community from the memory care community. Then they could have a main entrance that wasn't a mile from the residents "room", a nicer dining and living area and in general have a more pleasant place to be. I will continue to look at other communities but I couldn't place my Mom there. If they are all like what we saw the other day I plan on finding another way to have her cared for.

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My brother and I also visited a place like that, it was cold, had a heavy prison like door to the entrance of that hallway.....needless to say we did NOT put my dad there 7 years ago when he needed to be placed. we found another place (also local) that was very good........our mother is now there. it always pays to check out different places. Keep looking and get referrals from other people as well. wishing you luck.

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We are struggling with the same question for my dad heading home to my mom . He isn’t as stable as your husband . I think there are positives to bring him home, lots of energy goes into daily visits and bringing him home makes some sense and makes some things easier but brings lots of other issues with it . Could you do visits home with him for a while and try it on so to speak ? Increase the time he comes with each visit time and see how it goes . just tell him they are giving you special permission for him to visit and not what your thinking it could lead to . This way if it doesn’t work out you haven’t lost your spot for him and he won’t be disappointed if you think you can’t manage it . It is just about visiting and that it until you make your final decision? Good luck , I know it’s not easy 💕

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Sorry for any mis-spellings, but I had a few tears finishing my reply.

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My husband was a Alzheimer's patient for 7 to 8 years before passing away in 2016. I talked with his neuro-physchologist doctor about moving him to where our youngest son with his wife and our only 2 grandchildren lived. It was a cross country trip and a gamble. The doctor explained that moving such a patient was highly risky and could cause Alzheimer's condition to speed up. Due to my health problems it became necessary to make the move.

We moved in 2015 and 10 months later his condition was so much worse that he moved from a Memory Care place to a hospice place. His body forgot how to eat,; he felt no hunger pains; he wandered and was a danger to himself, etc. in addition to the other symptoms. Needless to say the move was a bad decision on my part, but the best I could make dealing with everything.

Since you say yours is doing somewhat nicely where he is, I would recommend keeping him where he is. Your point about getting into the same place(you seem to consider his care as good), the stability not lasting; finding whatever place would have room for him are very caring points. I missed mine terribly when he was in Memory Care as the Midwest does not have lots of car places of quality and I was not that close to him. I assume you visited him as often as you could, so you do spend time with him as I did. My husband did not know who I was, who our grown children & grandkids were, as he had regressed to a child. He had a math degree and worked at NASA for years. But his condition progressed fast and I notice he mind was not capable any longer.

With the knowledge I have now, I would leave him where he is. I do not want to seem callous to your feelings, but Alzheimer's just gets worse so him being content where he lives is very good. You need to keep that foremost in your memory. It will help in the future. After 5 years I still terribly miss mine on certain days but not every day. Even if mine only lasted a few more years with him in Memory Care, life did not work that way for me. Time helps. Bless you both.

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I also meant to say that Alzheimer's tends to get worse with time, not better and it still would be dangerous to leave him home alone. It would be a mistake to take him back home. I think I would leave him where he is.

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I think I would still leave him there especially if he's still unstable on his feet. He could fall and hurt himself.

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Quite frankly if he has Alzheimer’s/ dementia, you must be aware that he is not going to get better. He is going to progress . I’m not trying to be hurtful . My husband also has Alzheimer’s/ vascular dementia and is advancing quickly. The thought of sending him out of my home is devastating to me but I know it’s coming soon. These are called “ loving choices” and we have to do what’s best for them. My husband seems better at times too…. Or am I still in denial? There are days I see the “ old him” shine thru then in 5 minutes he’s not the guy I knew. I miss him terribly and he’s in my home. I’m sad . He’s already gone. He doesn’t know me most days. He can hardly walk and has difficulty getting out of the chair ( new today). Every day it’s something more. His facial expression is different today. Good home care givers are hard to find. I have someone 20 hours a week and I WAS having her 40 hours a week but cut back because I’m not going to pay $32 an hour for her to be on her phone or read the paper. He will only let ME do his personal care and I’m starting to burn out. It’s very hard. Whatever you decide.. good luck but remember YOU need to stay healthy and have a life too. This disease is evil. I pray for all of us.💜💜💜

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JColl7: Imho, that could be deemed a mistake that you would regret if you were to bring him home as he's stable in his MC and you wouldn't want to start the process all over again.

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Bringing him home will not lesson the heartache of the loss of your previous life. You have to use the time you have to refocus your energy on your well being. His needs are met on a daily basis, 24/7. His well being has been created by your decision to place him in a safe environment.

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I understand that you miss your husband. However, try and remember why you had to place him to begin with.

He is thriving now because he has a team of caregivers, not one exhausted caregiver. He is in an environment where he receives constant medical supervision and care from trained professionals.

Take him out of the facility on a pass for a lunch date or dinner date several times a week, or plan an activity that you two can enjoy like a walk in the park. However, be prepared that he may become agitated and confused at being out of his environment and routine, and want to go back.

I can imagine that it would be horribly lonely, and that you miss him. Realize that you are doing the right thing by having him there, where he is obviously thriving. Visit him as often as possible, and have dinners and take walks with him there if going out isn't possible, so that you can both still enjoy each other's company.

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I always wanted to keep my loved one at home because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I would definitely get 24/7 caregiver, or don’t do it.

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He is doing well and moves can confuse him. I know you want him home and it's hard to be apart, but the fact that he's doing so well means that he is the right place for him now. His condition may change in a moment so please, please don't move him. Hugs to you. I know, it's hard.

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Yes, I did with my dad. Unfortunately, my dad has declined and it's real hard. I do have a sitter that comes 6 1/2 days. It's not enough because he's so demanding. If he's happy at the place that you have him keep him at the memory care. It's hard enough to find a place they are comfortable at. You need to put his needs before yours.

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Your husband is content and happy and being well cared for where he is. His needs are likely to increase as time goes on, and it might not be long before exhaustion causes you to regret having tried to take care of him at home. You may need to pay more attention to who you are as an individual in addition to being your husband's wife.
Leave your husband in the safe place he is now and find ways to bring a little more balance to your own life.

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Seems that the original plan - placing your husband into full time care - was definitely needed. Since he wandered, had disrupted sleep (I bet you did too), and needed minding constantly, he definitely needs to have professional care. That hasn't changed.

Since you miss having your husband at home with you, see if there are ways to recapture some of those experiences. Some facilities allow a short "pass" where you sign your husband out to visit with you at home. Bring a picnic meal that the 2 of you can enjoy together. Bring a movie to enjoy together with your favorite snacks.

If he gets agitated or anxious when you try any of these activities, then he is more content with the routine of his current home. In that case, visiting with him there is you best option.

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Thank you all for these answers I could have written @jcoll7 question. Just couldn’t honk how to articulate but she did.

my H has been in memory care for 5 months now. Every time I’m there I just want to wrap him up and bring him home with me.

Nothing wrong with facility: it’s beautiful and people are wonderful for most part. It’s all me. Not even about being alone it’s nice to be able to read a book again I just miss HIM and US. I quit talking about with family bc they remind me how bad things had gotten. I know that in my head. But the heart is a tougher sell.

I will say he spent a month away bw hospital and rehab about 6 weeks in and seemed to go off another cliff in terms of disease after that- so significant changes likes those moves are very hard on people with brain issues.

jcoll7 I too take him out some. Drive thru then go eat at a park, or go get an ice cream, anything to get him out on pretty days. Whether the difficulties at home or having to leave him regularly at MC, this is the toughest thing I’ve ever been through

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Thanks for your response. Sorry you are going through this too. I haven’t taken him out yet. I do accompany him whenever he has to go to an outside doctor. No strictly social outings yet. The facility has lovely grounds so I will pack a picnic lunch to share with him there.

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I think you should leave him in memory care. He is happy and stable. He is probably getting the care he needs. Patients with dementia, Alzheimer’s, do not do well with change. I cannot recall your age, but caring for someone who needs 24/7 (even with outside help) is incredibly difficult and may negatively affect your own health. Memory care also have professionals who are experts in caring for dementia patients, offer many activities, manage their diets and medications. What if you ill and cannot care for him? I do not recommend repeated transfers, This will cause great stress, resulting in a decline in his health

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He is doing better, that’s a good thing and I see that as confirmation that placing him there was the right decision. Moves anywhere are hard on patients with any cognitive decline and the kind of needs that forced you to move him there in the first place. So please make sure you consider the drawbacks for his mental and physical health as well as yours 2 or more possible moves might have along with the pluses of having him home again. Sometimes these sacrifices are the hardest as well as most loving we can make during these journeys with our loved ones. Selfish? I guess you could say moving him there was selfish just as much as saying moving him home now is but that’s not the way I would describe your actions either way, you are acting out of love and considering all of the best ways to do that. Asking this question indicates to me that you aren’t being selfish, you are trying to check yourself and gather all the considerations. These are not the questions of a selfish spouse, just one of a very loving one, he is a lucky man.

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I wonder if you could bring him home for a few hours several times a week, and see how he does at home. When my mom got Alzheimer's, we tried Assisted Living, but it just didn't work, so she lived with Hubby and me for 5 years until she passed away, (at 94). I even wrote a book about our experiences called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) Each situation is different, of course. Best of luck.

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First, Be careful taking her off meds. My mom had seizures and permanent brain damage after not being properly weaned off at a nursing home. Now she cannot walk, talk, or move.
Second, I brought my mom home. I have round the clock care through Medicaid. I pay them extra out of my own pocket because you have to pay more than $12.50 for good help. I’m glad she’s here. I love seeing her every day. But it’s very challenging to find good, honest, reliable caregivers and we have no privacy. Sometimes drama too. It is doable but tough.

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I'm probably not the best person to answer this question, because my husband has only been in MC for 10 days. But even after only 10 days, I'm starting to forget all the sleep deprivation and the constant vigilance to keep him safe. At least once a day I ask myself if I was too hasty. Then I go spend an hour with him and realize that he requires a team now, not just one personal caretaker. Be kind to your yourself and when you miss him, just go sit with him at the MC facility. Our facility lets me bring in some wine each day, so we have our cocktail hour at 4:00!

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I think of doing it all the time, even have dreamt that my spouse has hugged me and said 'I love you.' But it is totally unrealistic. We forget just how all-time-consuming care is, and for what purpose? It is a downhill ride.

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My loved one is better in AL and is more compliant than with me. I now get to be the fun person, the advocate and I utilize Alexa Show 8 to drop in and visit every day. I also put reminders on it so activities come up. Now, the times that are more lucid and stable I have come to realize are because of the stable environment and the many people involved that didn’t get burned out as I was getting. Meds, meals planned and prepared, cleaning, trash removal, doctor’s visits, PT when it was needed. The only thing I have to schedule out is dental and eyes. The quality of life has been better and more social than at home. It was harder on me because of the hard choices but I am so happy I am rested and able to be fully there. My mom took care of my dad for close to 15 years and it took her health and peace. She did have help and it was exhausting even with help because she still had to do all of the thinking and planning and scheduling.

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When your husband is taken off two medications, things may change for the worst. All medications have side effects and drowsiness is a main one. The withdrawal of the medications may not be a good idea so wait and see what the effect is. My mother’s NP at her facility reduced and eliminated Depacote which has resulted in major personality changes…for the worse. The facility did not inform me of this, and I couldn’t understand what was happening. I demanded that she reinstate the Depacote and things are very slowly improving. Either way I wouldn’t bring him home. He seems to be comfortable and content where he is. Providing care 24/7 even with help is an overwhelming job.

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I take my husband out at least once a week. We sit in the car and have lunch. Sometimes we go to the park but still have to stay in the car. My situation is different in that he wants to come home but he’s incontinent and has delusions at night. Usually directed at me. He’s in the best place. I can’t take care of him anymore. It’s good that your husband is happy there.

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First of all, you are clearly an awesome person that cares very much for your husband and willing to do whatever is best for him. If you can work out having a caregiver, I would learn towards having him home especially since doctor seems to think so as well. Probably at some point he may need memory care again. Maybe not, maybe home will be the answer if you can do it. Please do not take on too much yourself, that will not do anyone any good 🙂 My concern is that there may be future lockdowns and that is extremely difficult and confusing to the elderly when they are not with family. Do what you feel is right, God can provide incredible strength, be cautious in taking too much yourself, find good in home health. Just do your best each day and you will have no regrets.

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Where does the OP say that the 'doctor seems to think so as well' in terms of taking this man back home???????????????

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Both spouse & I are in 80s. He promised he would work with therapists and seemed able to bathe & dress himself. Brought him home seven months ago, with help three times a week. It's been a nightmare. No, it's been hell! He has been bladder incontinent for a dozen years; now he is bowel incontinent too. After two months home he refused to get out of the bed, and he has not set foot on the floor for five months. He will not even raise the bed to sitting position for meals. He shouts; he curses (everyone, especially me); he wants to get out of here; he wants to die (sometimes I pray he will get his wish). I am trying to figure how I can send him back to nursing home, any nursing home. I don't care if Medicaid takes my condo - I will have my life back and peace and quiet. Caring for your LO is a thankless labor-intensive job.
So my advice: Don't do it unless you have 24/7 help.

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Wow. That is a lot. My husband stayed in bed too prior to going into facility. He would probably return to that! I couldn’t have that. Not good for him or me.

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Has anyone ever taken their loved one out of memory care and moved them back home?

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