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I moved my 90 year father out of MC 6 weeks after the covid lockdown when no in person visits were allowed. Everyone told us not to but I did b/c he was so lonely and was giving up- not eating & sleeping all day. Dad could afford 24/7 help so we set up an ADA apt. for him and he flourished for 10 months until he passed. It was the right choice for us. I will tell you that not everyone they send from an agency is suitable to deal with AZ and the complications of helping a person in a wheelchair. I was around a ton & kept a watchful eye. My dad enjoyed MC before the lockdown & I wouldn’t have moved him. His needs were met, I got good sleep & could just be supportive. When I took him out I was always thinking ahead & having to check to see people were handling his meds, hygiene, dietary needs, etc. I’d do it again. As long as family members were allowed into MC I felt like Dad got A+ care. After lockdown things got sketchy b/c no one was watching. Good luck and God bless. You’re Dad is lucky to have you!! I miss my dad dearly, but know we did it right!
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He is in a structured environment which probably explains why he is doing do well there. There are people who dont do well in unstructured enviroments. Prisoners in prisons area good examples. Some of them, if not most, do far better in prisons than outside.

To answer your question whether you are being selfish, yes, I am sorry to say so. This is selfishness in that it benefits you more than it wd benefit him. You are thinking wirh your heart while positive and benevolent thinking is realizing he is happier where he is.
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We needed to take my Mom out of Assisted Living because she needed a higher level of care. We have her at home and she is incontinent and confused at times and unsteady on her feet. I have been reading and I know it's only going to progress downhill. This is a tough thing to do, I am up most of the night and she needs to be watched all day. I do not know if you are working but I am retired and I find it difficult. As far as hiring a caregiver I guess you need to ask yourself if you would be comfortable with someone in your home, I would not unless I knew the person really well. As time progresses we may need to put my Mom into memory care and there is only one place I would feel comfortable with. If you are comfortable with the place your husband is in and you know he is cared for, personally, I would have him remain there for his sake and yours. We have needed to move my Mom several times and it's unsettling. Perhaps if you miss him you could visit more, have dinner with him every evening? Best of luck with your decision, it's not an easy one.
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I struggle with guilt daily, missing my mother and wondering if she would be better off living with me. She has quit eating since she’s been in the memory unit and is declining. I’ve thought about what it would be like to bring her to my house and take care of her. Then I had the thought that if I got sick or something happened to me, what would happen to my mother? I’m no spring chicken and nothing is guaranteed. At least I know she’s safe and we’ll cared for. It’s just not easy, I know. It’s best to leave him there, as long as he’s getting good care. You’re a better companion because you’re able to care for yourself and spend quality time with him. ❤️
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Selfish….maybe unrealistic is a better term. Of course you miss him. But he has finally adjusted and he is not going to improve and will continue to get worse. Moving him would likely cause a downward trend and moving anyone with dementia is always hard on them. A caregiver may not be reliable, or a good fit. Please reconsider. I think you are thinking with your heart and not your head.
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The reason he is seeming to do better is because he is were he is and on a schedule with trained caregivers. This means you have picked a good place for him to be. It is very very usual for some one to get "better" after moving in to a facility for these reasons. If he goes home he will go back to where he was, or lower. You can love him, but still home can not be the best for him to get the care needed. If he is doing better where he is, feel blessed.
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I would think you will not have the same enjoyment if he is home with you that you have now in MC. You can visit him, enjoy him, take care of him there and let them do the hard stuff. In my opinion I think you would end up regretting bringing him home. Then you would have to start all over with placement and his adjustment. It would be hard on him to move home and then have to move back into possibly a different room, maybe even a different facility. The staff would not be familiar to him either. The time the two you have together at this point in his life should be doing good things together and making good memories. I don't think you would have that opportunity if you are always stressed and busy taking care of him. I know your love for him confuses the situation so it is good you asked everyone. Hugs to you.
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Absolutely not. Leave him there. You can not do it home anymore. Hugs 🤗
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It is unlikely he'll remain stable if you bring him home. If he's content and well where he is, leave him there and be thankful. And visit often.
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Listen to your family.

He has 24/7 card and supervision at the moment. Additionally he has a routine that is working for him.

Still visit, but also explore hobbies and interests of your own to enjoy in your free time.

My former bil has Paranoid Schizophrenia, when he was in an institution he did well. He did not have to worry about anything, but when he was moved into 1/2 way houses in the community, things went downhill fast.
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You need to do what is best for him, not you.
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If you miss him, go visit him every day where he lives, is stable, and functioning well.

If you bring him home, what will you do when the wandering starts in again? He may have 'passed through one stage' of behavior right now, but what happens when he enters ANOTHER phase of behavior you're unable to handle alone at home??

Let common sense prevail. There is NO common sense surrounding the dementias, and the behaviors that change dramatically from day to day. The reason there are Memory Care ALs popping up everywhere is precisely b/c the vast majority of us are unable to handle our loved ones at home without a team of people and a facility specifically designed for their care.

Best of luck
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No.
No.
No.
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It's normal to miss the person they were. But he's not that person now.
Why not run this question by the spouse forum at the Alzheimer's website to see what they say? I only say this because it's a spouse specific forum and someone over there may have tried this.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=2147485438
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JColl7 Sep 2021
Thank you. I will check it out.
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No. He will not remain stable forever and you’ll have to place him again eventually. That will be much harder on you (and likely him) the second time around.
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I would leave him in MC where he is getting good care.
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Well, my mom moved in just prior to all the shut downs last year. And then they had a positive case and extra isolation, and I could video chat and see her hallucinating and just the guilt overwhelmed me. How could I leave her there? And I brought her home. And soon realized that was a mistake. All the reasons that she went were there, and I soon began to feel the strain... constantly being alert even at rest, the delusions ( where are my children, and going out the door) urine in the waste baskets in her room ....And about 7 weeks later pleaded with them to let her come back. After the first positive case (staff, not residents) they did great. And I was able to see her outside on the patio, and now finally back in her room. She's always glad to see me, even if she doesn't remember later I was there, and other people are getting pinched and yelled at when she needs to change clothes or shower, or take meds.

Regular schedules are important with dementia, and changes like moving can really cause a step down in functioning, so be aware of that.

I needed to be daughter, not caregiver. It affected me, my husband, my ability to go anywhere, or help with my grandkids.

My advice is to visit often as you can, maybe even get a video chat device so you can chat even on days you can't make it(we use a Facebook portal)

I love my mom, but she is in the best situation for her. In her right mind, she wouldn't have wanted me to go through what I did. Everything thing about this disease is hard. If his needs are being met, keep him where he is. Nothing is perfect, but I'm sure he would not want you to risk your physical or mental health.
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JColl7 Sep 2021
Oh I had forgotten about the sleeping (or not) with one eye open.
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I, personally, would give it some time before you bring him home.

My dad did really well in a supervised situation with others to socialize with, proper meds, timely, nutritional meals and snacks, then he moved and the slow, steady decline started.

You know change can cause a downward spiral for alz/dementia patients, it is a crap shoot to make this kind of change. Dementia never improves, it is degenerative. Good days can fool us all and make us question the diagnosis.

What about doing day outings to see how he is able to deal and most importantly to give you some one on one time with him?

Please listen to your family, they saw the trees you couldn't see when you were in the midst of the forest. Your well being is important for you and him, he needs you to advocate for his and becoming a burned out, exhausted caregiver is not an ideal situation for ensuring this well being for both of you.

Hugs, it is so challenging to know what to do with this rotten disease.
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JColl7 Sep 2021
Day outings sound like a good idea.
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I think you are feeling some 'guilt' at the fact that DH is doing well and 'maybe' you were too hasty in placing him and now you are rested and calmer (a guess on my part) you are re-thinking a decision---

My advice? Leave well enough alone. IF he is happy and thriving, then isn't that what you want? Do you really want an incontinent, memory impaired husband living at home again and all the stuff that ineviatbly goes along with that.

He won't get better. You know that. Think back to how it was before you moved him to MC. Was it wonderful and easy on you?

What you are 'missing' is the Dh you married and the youth and vitality that come with being young and leave us waaaay too soon.

For me, just the incontinence would be a deal breaker.

Don't make any hasty decisions. Think back how it was to have him at home and what toll that took on you. If he qualifies for MC, then he must be fairly high need.

Good Luck--this would be a difficult decision for anyone.
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JColl7 Sep 2021
Yes you are right. I am thinking that I could have kept him home longer. Deep down inside I know he won’t get better. He has just been so stable lately. My visits with him are enjoyable. But when I think back to how it was when he was home, I realize he is in the best place. Thank you for your response.
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