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He was recently left paralyzed from the neck down and it’s been really hard on us both. My son requires 24/7 assistance. I feed him, clean him, change catheters if needed, I have to perform suction because he still has a trachea tube on his throat. He constantly calls 911 on me stating that I’m holding him against he’s will because he tells me to put him in the wheelchair and leave him on his own. If I’m his caregiver and mother at the same time, what am I supposed to do? Let him go knowing he runs a risk of something happening to him? I lost my job because I was always late for him. He is constantly disrespectful but my main concern is him wanting me to leave him on his own. The reason I fear this is because before the accident he had a bit of an addiction that was starting to resurface. I afraid he’ll find someone on the street and convince them to give him drugs. I’m extremely worried. I also don’t want to be the one responsible if anything happens to him, but I have a little 9-year-old girl too and I don’t want her to grow up thinking its ok to be that way.

Have you looked into the alternative care options that don't require your adult son to have his most intimate care procedures carried out by his mother? Or where it doesn't result in a broken relationship between you and your son?

Most of all, have you thought about how this situation will affect your young daughter? Can you care for her as much as you did her brother at her age?
Can she have friends round to play, or get picked up if she goes to theirs? Or do her brother's care needs take priority?

Please think about this and answer truthfully, to yourself, adding more questions that may be particular to your family.
DON'T ask your daughter how she feels or if she minds you not being there because you're looking after her brother; that would be putting the responsibility onto her shoulders, which are far too little, too young, to have that weight placed on them. Instead, try and look at it from her perspective and think about how she is still a little girl who needs her mum.

You cannot stop your adult son from obtaining drugs if he is determined to do so. (Although, I don't understand how he could wander down the street if he is paralysed from the neck down, even in a wheelchair.) All adults should have the right to make choices for themselves, even when they are bad choices. Without autonomy, there is no life - good or bad.

You would not feel like you were enabling him in his potentially bad choices if he were no longer in your home, where it seems that he doesn't even want to be.

I expect that he wouldn't want to be in a care facility either. He just doesn't want to be in the unfortunate position he is in. But there's nothing he, nor you, can do about that.

You can do something, though, to ensure that your daughter has a decent childhood.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Being paralyzed must be a huge challenge. Has your son received any counseling and training? I can imagine that he is pretty angry at the universe and needs a professional to help him find his path forward.

I would tell my kid that he has choices but, being disrespectful and calling the cops on me all the time will result in placement and no doubt about it. He needs you but, your 9 year old needs you more. So sorry that you are being faced with a difficult decision of protecting one child from the other.

Just curious, how did he become paralyzed?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I don’t understand. How is someone paralyzed from the neck down going to find a drug dealer “on the street”?
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MiaMoor May 27, 2024
This was my first thought.
The next was how could she possibly lift him and place him in a wheelchair?
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Poor guy, Being in a NH is heck on Earth.

I posted the real story of a resident probably in the same situation as your son but older. He went from going outside to smoke even being in bed to bedbound in his room.

He "gave up" and eventually died.

He'll need lots of encouragement to go on if a NH is his fate.
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Anxietynacy May 26, 2024
Poor guy absolutely! he needs help, he needs to be in a place that can help him. A place where he is safe! Mom can't do everything, she will be able to care for him a lot better if he is in a facility.
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I hope you’ll find alternative care for your son, likely unfortunately in a nursing home setting, and do all you can to nurture and protect the 9 year old. There were several younger people in the nursing home where my mother lived, much like your son, they had overwhelming care needs, nearly impossible in a home setting. You have the further issue of an addiction to deal with, it becomes too much. Your younger child needs a stable environment to grow up in, not one where there’s 911 being called or any issues with addiction. Please look out for the child and yourself, you matter too
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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He should be in a nursing home, has anyone applied for Medicaid. you are not capable of caring for him, he needs trained people to deal with him 24/7.

Talk to social services to see what can be done, he is an adult so you are neither responsible for him nor have any control over what he does.

There is no such thing as a bit of addiction, once an addict, always an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is using or not.

Take care of you and your young child. Best wishes.
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Ask his doctor for an evaluation of his needs. That person will be able to determine what your son is cabable of doing for himself. Maybe for now, he needs care in a Skilled Nursing Facility where he can get care and Physical and Occupational Therapies with Medicaid paying. You cannot give up your life to care for him. You have a nine year old who needs her Mom and needs to be provided for. He should be able to get Social Security Disability, which includes Medicare. At least Supplimental income with Medicaid. You need to talk to Social Services. Maybe the Department of disabilities. There are resources out there but you have to look for them.

P.S. you need to look at this as your son being an adult. Not you as a family unit. He as an adult on his own, should be able to get more. Make those you talk to aware that you need to work. Services he gets are on his income yours should not be counted. He needs care that IMO, you should not be doing. I personally would not have brought him home unless I had a lot of money to pay others to do his care.
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Admins:
Requesting removal of duplicate post.
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Grandma1954 May 26, 2024
I do not see a duplicate post. Do you have a link for it?
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