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Both my aunt and I look forward to this and enjoy it. However, staff has told me that my aunt has recently become very negative after she returns from these outings. She says things like "I don't know why I'm here" and "What am I doing here?" Staff told me I don't need to stop taking her to the restaurant, but that I need to be positive with her when we are out. I AM positive with my aunt! We talk about and enjoy the car ride, the scenery, the restaurant, everything! I am sad and upset with the situation. I'm wondering if I should stop taking her out. I thought going to the restaurant was a good, positive experience. I need some advice.

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Nursing homes want docile patients. I would be crabby afterwards too, for a while.
She has the right to go out with you, so I would keep taking her out. It's good for both of you.
After bringing her back to the nursing home, maybe you could stay with her for thirty minutes or so?
That might help.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions.
I liked your ideas. Thanks again!
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Grandma1954 July 30, 2023 7:50 am

When I read the first line of your question the first thing that popped into my head was...sure it is fine as long as it is safe for you to take her out....
Then I got to the second line where the staff is noticing that she is in a negative mood when she returns.
Now my answer changes.
It is not good for your aunt mentally, emotionally to leave the facility with you.
BUT that does not mean you have to stop the "outings".
Stop at a restaurant and pick up lunch and bring it.
Set up a little table in the lunch room, they may have a private room you can use. Tablecloth on the table, bring different dinner wear than what they use at the facility.
You can go get her for lunch or have one of the staff get her.
Enjoy your lunch.
OR
If it is nice out and there is an outdoor area have your lunch outside.

With dementia a persons world shrinks.
So while you think it is a great idea to get her out and let her enjoy being out it can be frightening or confusing.
Time also looses meaning so if you are gone for 2 hours for your aunt it might be a day or an hour or a minute.

The best reason to stop the outings..... If it makes it easier on the staff to help her, manage her if she is not upset, or negative it also makes it easier on your aunt.

don't stop the visits, just stop taking her out.
Walks around the facility, lunch there, read to her, talk....
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you very much for taking time to respond to my questions.
I liked your ideas. Thanks again!
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The restaurant is a good and positive experience. Your aunt is getting a little taste of regular life outside of a nursing home. No one wants to go back to a nursing home.

Don't stop taking her out though. It's probably the only thing she looks forward too.
Also, it's not up to you to make the nursing home staff's job easier. It's not like negativity is anything new among the residents of a nursing home. If your aunt's negativity makes her harder for them to deal with, that's not your fault. It's not because you're a nice person and takes her out.
Keep taking her out. The nursing home staff and go pound sand.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas. Thanks again.
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Hi Sigh123 - Was the staff that gave you feedback the general care staff or the dementia Dr? Maybe you can speak to the specific Dr who is managing your aunt's dementia to see what is best for your aunt. Your aunt probably loves being with you, and it is really kind that you do this. She is lucky to have you in her life. Best of luck.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2023
@dafilia

Do you really think nursing homes have doctors that manage people's dementia?
They don't.
Nursing home doctors normally don't even see the patients. They walk through the place a couple times a month and the nurses tell them who needs what.
A nursing home doctor diagnosed my father as having Alzheimer's and mixed dementia. He never even saw him. He based his diagnosis on nurse's notes.
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The assisted living facilities in my area are very nice. They have many social activities in the facility itself that family members are invited to.

Plenty of family members attend church services with their loved ones in the facility.

They also have recreational activities outside of the facility, such as field trips, going to casinos, etc. All of the residents hop on the bus and go off on scheduled excursions.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas. Thanks again.
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Here's another idea. Go to lunch earlier, or perhaps do a late breakfast or brunch. See if getting her back to the facility at say 1:30 instead of 3 pm make an appreciable difference in her mood.
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I'm on favour of an experiment.
Have lunch in with your Aunt one time (instead of eating out) & get feedback on her behaviour afterwards.

More settled, orientated?
Or same as has been recently after outings.. negative, & possibly confused?

May be mental/emotional fatigue?

My LO loves an outing or larger family catchup but can sometimes be very emotional afterwards, eg crying & can't stop. We try to keep social situations part of life but will have to keep adapting & reducing the duration to reduce fatigue I expect.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas. Thanks again.
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I suppose the only way to know if ‘going out’ is upsetting her afterwards is to take a break from going out and see if her behavior is different.

If it isn’t any different, then by all means enjoy your outings with your aunt. She isn’t in memory care. She is in assisted living, which isn’t a monitored situation. I know people that leave and go out to lunch and dinner often while living in their assisted living facilities.

Best wishes to you and your aunt.
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It might still be okay, but if coming back riles her up, it may not be worth it. Routine is SO important for people with dementia. And they take much longer to re-acclimate. 

My husband’s grandmother had dementia and was in MC. Her daughter (my MIL) would take her out for lunch on weekends, or just drive around. It was okay for awhile but soon it was a detriment. 

She thought they’d been out of town and worried that “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside. Or thought they were moving away. Once she got back, she couldn’t find her bathroom, wasn’t sure where she was. An outing that was a few hours to us, seemed like a week in her mind. 

Eventually my MIL realized taking her mother out was something of a selfish act. It was making MIL feel better about having to put her mother in MC. But it wasn’t helping her mother at all. From then on, lunches and visits were brought to her.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas.
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If she's getting agitated and is actually unhappy after coming back, it might be easier on her to have you bring her a treat or lunch from outside, then take her to a different part of the building or just outside to sit and eat together. It will still feel like an outing to her and you can enjoy your time together, but she might not be so disoriented and confused after you leave.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas.
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As long as they r not having a hard time with her when she gets back. If all she says is she doesn't know why she is there, I would take her out. Be aware though, that eventually u may not be able to do it anymore. My Mom wanted to go back within the hour. Once, she spilled a small teapot of hot water onto the table. Picked it up and the next thing we knew she had turned it upside down not even near the mug. Do you say "Time to go home" Because that is what her NH is legally, her home.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas.
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"Both my aunt and I look forward to this and enjoy it."

And there's your answer. I think that it's natural and normal to be sad when you realize how small your world has become and how little control you have over it, but that shouldn't mean she must give up the one small escape that is available to her. As for asking "why am I here" - that's a common question from a lot of elders whether they have dementia or not, it's difficult feeling we have outlived our usefulness.
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 2023
I'm with you, cwillie and MC1748!
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I'm going to suggest going for a drive and picking up some lunch and taking it back to the NH for a quiet little picnic for just the 2 of you.


As mom aged, she did want to eat out, but she had shrunken so much, her head was practically in her lap. She couldn't cut her meat, she couldn't see what was on her plate. She spilled a lot. What had been a nice break in the week became a challenge and not fun at all.

I think the time we went to a steakhouse for lunch and she insisted on Prime Rib (which is not served until dinner--) and she got a little angry and testy, I realized she simply couldn't handle all the noise, prep work to get ready to leave--it just wasn't fun.

I took to bringing her a sandwich from her favorite place. She'd cut it into 4ths and make it last 3 days! She was just happy to have company and a little changeup in her menu.
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas.
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Yes. Your aunt gets a view of what it is like to be outside of the facility.

Many people sometimes need this.
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LoopyLoo Jul 2023
Not all nursing homes are prisons.
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Well....noisy, large spaces, lots of people can be challenging for those with dementia. Do you know what kind of dementia your Aunt has?
Returning back to a quieter enviroment can be a bit of a jolt. My husband has dementia. We go out to eat when it's less busy. Other people will have a pre-printed menu for their loved one to look at before going, and some will edit down the menu to a couple of choices. The local diner is aware of my husband's illness and are so kind to us-sometimes it helps to let people in the service industry know a little bit about what is going on. Is it possible to go to a local park with a pre-packed lunch for the two of you? Ice cream is always nice too-go for a ride and have a sweet treat. We did that Saturday, and my husband enjoyed himself. If your Aunt seems to have a hard time re-adjusting back to where she's living, can you visit her with take out food she likes?
Essentially, what I'm suggesting, is to keep the eating part very quiet, low key and simple not only for your Aunt, but for you too! : )
Ariadne
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Sigh123 Jul 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my questions. I liked your ideas.
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