Both parents are sick and depend on me for everything. I used to have such a full life and hobbies. Now I struggle to make my bed in the morning or cook dinner for my own family. I spend most my time visiting my mother in hospital or bringing my dad to his appointments and when I'm not doing that I just want to lie around on my phone. This is not the life I'd created but I just don't want to do the things that used to make me happy in my own life. How have I lost my own self so quick. My husband and kids are not getting the best version of me. I can't stand having sex now because I spend so long caring for my parents the idea of sharing intimacy with my husband is actually repulsive to me. I don't enjoy anything that I'm doing. I run my own business and when I'm working I can switch off and put on an act which is good. I've no interest in chatting to my friends as I get annoyed with their conversation and get annoyed hearing myself be such a miserable person right now. I feel so selfish for all these thoughts. I feel sick and anxious and I've never felt like this before.
My parents are good people but both struggle with depression and anxiety, have no hobbies or close friends and I don't share any interests with them. I've often been upset my them not understanding my willingness to make life fun and not be afraid if failure. They aren't outright rude like a lot of the parents I've read about on this forum but they are dismissive and insulting so I built a wall around myself many years ago and found a beautiful community of like minded people for myself. But now I'm caring for them I find myself infiltrated by negativity. I know I could choose to do less but my conscience won't allow it. I just couldn't. I'm trying to accept them for who they are and not try to change them. I try to be myself as much as I can. But when I leave them I am so drained.
I spent the first 3 months worried for them but now as their treatments progress and they aren't in imminent danger I am frustrated, angry and worried for myself and I feel such guilt that this is my biggest issue at the moment. I wish I could just do my duties by them and then switch off when I go back to my own home and life. If I could do this I think I could feel I have a life aswell. But like I said, even when I'm not with them I'm not myself. I do find little pockets of joy... exercising, looking at the sky, listening to the birds, playing a game with my kids... but more often than not I feel a bit paralysed and can't help but lie in bed trying to read or researching our next step. Is this normal? I really never thought I'd show such lack of resilience in this kind of situation
There are two types of adult children:
#1 type believes your parents raise you and you grow up and have your own family/own life and you often move across country away from them. (This is my family).
#2 type believes that you are raised and then you are obligated to care for those who raised you until the day they die. (That would be you.)
When someone is a type #2 they often sacrifice their ENTIRE LIVES on the funeral pyres of their parents, as those parents live to the age of 100 sometimes now while the children are 80, and dying under the obligation of caregiving. And there is no thanks for that. Moreover it changes a person from being a loving son or daughter to being a caregiver. And that change in status often makes them not more loved, but resented, blamed, and fought against.
If you remain stuck in the headset that you are responsible for and obligated to care for your parents then I feel very sorry for the family you created. THEY are the ones who will suffer by your choice, and to my mind THEY ARE YOUR OBLIGATION. Will you then want them to sacrifice themselves to YOUR old age; because trust this 81 year old, it's right around the corner.
Your parents have had their lives. They haven't been especially happy and that won't change now.
If you know the stories of trying to help those who are drowning you know that the rescuer often goes down with the drowning victim. And in caregiving it's a real slow death.
I suggest therapy, and I think it is an emergent need for you. I think you need anti depressants to bridge this gap of time in which you are going to have to decide what you want for the rest of your life and your husband's and children's lives as well.
I would move about 1,000 miles away, myself.
It is your parent's obligation now to make decisions for their care. That shouldn't include making their child into their 24/7 nursemaid.
Up to you, all of this. YOU are a grown adult and you have decisions to make now. No one can make them for you. And you are responsible for those decisions and the quality of your life and your family depend upon them. If you are waiting for a happy choice? Well, there isn't one. Life isn't always about happy. It is about choices. We make our own.
About Me
I've spent my whole adult life being fairly low contact with family as they are extremely negative and passive aggressive. Very fixed mindset and insulting and judgemental begind everyone's back. I just don't feel I can be my best self around.
Since you've spent your whole adult life being low contact with your family, and now you feel obligated to do SO MUCH for them, is it any wonder you're depressed and miserable??
You say, "I know I could choose to do less but my conscience won't allow it. I just couldn't." So your husband and children get the least of you so your parents can get the most of you now? Who wins, exactly, in this scenario you've created, besides your "conscience"?
Have your parents hire caregivers to assist them so you can get back to your husband and children, where you belong. Spending your life caring for your parents out of a misguided sense of obligation winds up destroying your peace, and your husband and children's peace too. Living with resentment, anger and depression is no way to live at all, for anyone.
The people you owe allegiance to is your immediate family. Your parents you can see occasionally.
I was taking care of my parents for five years, splitting time with my sister. They are now 95. We eventually had to place both of them in a NH because they needed more care than their daughters could provide without destroying our lives. We kept hoping they would have died at home before we had to place them, but that did not happen .
My conscience is clear. It’s the best arrangement for everyone concerned.
It’s impossible not to be affected by doing the toughest job ever!
There is no need to repeat what others have said so well.
All I have to say is, please take care of yourself. It doesn’t serve any good purpose if you neglect your own needs.
Trust me, sadly, I learned this lesson the hard way. Don’t repeat my mistakes.
Wishing you all the best.
I am sorry. That must be very hard.
Maybe it cannot be changed.
".. and depend on me for everything".
Maybe this CAN be changed?
You are probably amazing! But also only ONE person. Just like the saying about needing a village to raise a child, I believe it takes a village to care for the sick & elderly.
Your parents won't like being #2 to your family but that's their problem to solve. They had their whole lives to work on a plan for their aging. It's not reasonable or fair for them to have "assumed" you into this role. Maybe it's a cultural thing (it is in my family) but that doesn't make it morally or ethically acceptable.
Your parents need to hire aids, or they need to transition themselves into a senior community with a continuum of care options. Do they take meds for their anxiety? If not, why not? Many elders do and it helps most. My Mom and MIL both do and it helps them a lot.
There is a solution but you have to be willing to accept it. I'm not saying you completely walk away... but you need boundaries and need to internalize that you're not responsible for your parents' happiness. I agree with those who suggest therapy so you can get an objective perspective on it. Trying to get your parents to change won't be easy but it will be 100% worth it.
It's time for placement.
Your family comes first, your relationship with your husband comes first. They deserve all of you. So now you have to figure out a plan of how much you can do without getting burnout and it effecting your life. If that turns out that you can't do anything that's ok. We will help you though that process on where to go and how to find them help.
As you said you are trying to do everything you can to fight the feelings you are having, and that's great. I did that too, I did what everything suggested I do. I forced myself to do hobbies, I walked and walked, but it didn't prevent me from hitting rock bottom.
You have nothing to make you feel guilty about, I know you probably know that in your head it's the heart that is the problem. Bottom line , you did not make your parents old. This is not your fault! When your kids are older and your old, would you want them to feel the way you do now, I'm sure not. You did not force your parents to have no friends, no hobbies, they did that themselves.
Id like to know a little more about your parents health age and mental health, that would help with better answers
My mom is very conservative and I am NOT , so that sounds very much similar to what your going through. I can only spend so much time hearing things I have so many different opinions about and not saying anything.
I hope that is helpful. Welcome to are forum
So I stopped. You have to make the boundary that they (your parents) are not allowed to cross.
I have told many people in just your situation that caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipients.
If your boundary is that all you can do it grocery shop for them once a week, that is what you do and no more.
They can pay in-home caregivers to do for them in day-to-day life. Or they can go into assisted living. There are other care choices other than you do everything.
Please set some boundaries with them now before they destroy your life.
I have over the last 25 years in homecare see families wrecked and once happy marriages end bitterly in the divorce court because of a parental caregiving situation. Don't let that happen to you.
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