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The drama with my mom continues. On Saturday morning she started with the "I just want to die" again. This time I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. Now they have transferred her to a geriatric psychiatric care facility. Once they get her stable, can I refuse to accept her back? If I do that, will they have to find her a place to live. She has no money but SS and is not qualified for our state's medicaid so no LTC that she can afford - but she needs fulltime 24 hour supervision. My DH and I work full time and cannot provide her with that level of care - nor do we want to.

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Today's update. Doctor called me and asked me some questions about my mom and I told him briefly the most concerning behaviors. He asked me if I thought I should still take care of her. I said NO!! I told him I was not equipped to handle all her medical issues or her need for 24 hour care since my husband and I both work and it's not safe for her to be here alone anymore. I told him she really needs to be in AL, but she has no money or savings and is not qualified for Medicaid in my state. He said he agreed -- she needs AL and much more care that I could provide. He said he would get with the Social Worker and find a place for her. Yay! I did it. While I know it's not over yet. I feel like a 2 TON weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you everyone for your help and support. Without this site, I wouldn't know the things I know now. I'll send an update soon.
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golden23 Jun 2023
Awesome, gracie, just awesome!!! So happy for you.
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Update: I spoke to the Social Worker at the facility. I explained everything that was going on over the last 15 months. I told him that she CANNOT come back here. He said that with her limited income, it will be very difficult for them to find a place for her (as she will not qualify for medicaid). I asked about a group home. He said that they will want all her income (1400) a month. I said that's not a problem I don't want POA they can have it. He is going to start working on it. I asked about making her a ward of the state. He didn't respond on that. He said he was going to get with his colleagues and see where he can place her. I made it very clear to him that she could not come back here. He said he would keep me posted. I know it's not over. But I am standing my gound on this.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2023
Thank God you are standing your ground. I still don't understand (and likely I missed it) why she won't qualify for Medicaid????

And yes, if you have to RESIGN YOUR POA. You might need an attorney to do it if she is adjudged incompetent. APS can also walk you through it. He didn't answer you about "Ward of the State" because the state doesn't want to deal with this any more than YOU do, but the truth is they have the knowledge and resources to do it and you do NOT.
Keep on keeping on and thanks so much for your update.
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New Update: SW called me yesterday and I was busy at work so he left a VM. That message said he found a place for my mom. I called him back and he gave me very vague details. The address, the amount it would cost. When I asked him questions what the monthly cost included, he really couldn't answer me. It was so annoying. He said you can call over there and ask. I was thinking..."isn't this your job?" He said it's not the Taj Mahal or anything... Well for $1300 a month, we are not expecting the Taj Mahal, but I am also not paying anything towards my mother's care so I wanted to be sure there were no extra costs.

Anyway, I did call the facility and it is a typical assisted living facility they prepare meals, manage medication and provide typical assistance that my mother will need. It's furnished. She only needs her personal stuff and I will be going there today to pay for her first month's rent and deposit. She just barely has enough to cover the cost of this facility. I will also set up direct monthly payment to the facility. I also told the SW that they will need to transport her from their facility to the AL facility, because I don't want to have any issues with something happening and her not being delivered to her new home and me being "stuck" with her again.

It does seem like I am finally out of this huge burden and I want to thank all of you who have provided me with advise and support to get out of this horrible situation. I know I am not completely "out" of it. But I have my life back. I know she will never be happy and that I will continue to recieve calls and complaints, but now, I can chose to respond or not respond and she is out of my house and I will never allow her to return. These past 2 weeks (that she has been in the facility) have been wonderful and peaceful. Like my DH said, the 15 months of living hell will quickly fade and be a distant memory. But, I will hold that memory as a reminder to never cave again and bring her into my home.

I still hold POA. She is not capable of managing money. My next move is to find an alternative POA for her. She will continue to battle me on needing more money or wanting to buy things she can't afford. I just do not want the constant battles with her.

I will continue to be ever grateful and continue to visit this forum to post and comment about this journey and help others who are in similar situations. I will also let you all know my thoughts on her new AL home.
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CTTN55 Jul 2023
$1300/month is all for AL? Since you have not yet resigned your POA, make sure that you sign any paperwork as her POA/agent. As you wrote, you will not be contributing anything towards her costs.
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Social Worker from the Psyche Center called and left me a message. I called back and left him one. I am waiting to hear back. I am so nervous. But, I am sticking to my plan...there is NO WAY, she is coming back in my home. I know they will play hardball with me and start offering all kinds of "free" home health care, help, adult day care, etc...but I am not willing or able to take care for her and I don't want her in my home. These last 4 1/2 days have been such a joy and I feel finally free.
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This is your golden ticket so take full advantage of it!! DO NOT ACCEPT HER BACK INTO YOUR HOME. Do you have POA? If it's in force (activated if it's the kind depending on her competency), then you can work with the facility to find the right place for her. Options may be limited due to her lack of funds which is a hard truth of elder care, but there are options. Talk to the facility TOMORROW about this so they don't have any grand ideas that you will be picking her up soon. No thank you.

I know it won't be easy but your life right now is anything but easy. After 6 years of my mom living with me and hubby (similar situation to yours!), I was waiting for her to go to the hospital again because she was not going to be coming back home. She'd been hospitalized like 3 years in a row but once I decided it was time, that dried up like a desert! I had to put on my big girl panties, with encouragement from other posters here, to tell her the bad news - that she was moving into AL. It was a rough start and she still doesn't love it but it is sooooo much better for me.

Best of luck.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
OMG!! Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I do feel guilty - I'm not going to lie. But I want my life back so bad. These past couple of days without her have been heaven. I feel like my husband and I are free and able to do all the things we should be doing as a "young" couple in our 50's. I am getting geared up - preparing my responses. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Got it. RN just called and asked me about meds and I plan to call them tomorrow morning to let them know I have decided that I cannot care for her any longer and that she cannot be discharged to me. I will let you know what happens. I am looking for any other advise to help me through this - words of wisdom or anything...my heart is lifting like...I see a way out!
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golden23 Jun 2023
((((((hugs))))) and prayers.

It's not that you have decided. The doctors have set the bar and you can't reach it.

The facts are -
The doctors have decided that your mother needs 24 supervision.
(You did not decide that, the doctors did.)
You cannot provide that 24 hr. supervision.

Therefore your mother cannot be cared for in your home.
Your mother needs placement in a suitable facility where she gets 24 hr. supervision.
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Why does she not qualify for Medicaid. If she has no assets and no money that doesn't make sense.

And yes, you can refuse to take her back. You will need to make it stick with "I am not mentally or physically able to accept her to my home". You may need to give up POA if you have it and can call APS to tell them you can no longer care for her and she must become a ward of the state.

Let the Social Workers at the hospital know at once you will not accept her home. Do not buy any of this "we can help" and "we will make this work". They can't and they won't.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
My mother does not qualify for Medicaid because my brother and his wife convinced her to liquidate all her assets and purchase a house in ONLY their names. In my state there is a 5 year look back on her finances. She did this in November 2021. She would qualify in November/December 2026.

I do have POA for finances, medical and mental decisions. But, I am more than willing to give it all to someone else...who??? I don't know since she has no one left.
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SW called me this morning. I had a very busy day at work today so I didn't get a chance to call him back...he never called me back...I am thinking it is better not to jump back to they're every call.
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CTTN55 Jul 2023
I bet he tries again today. Stay strong!
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Yes, you can refuse to take her back. as you are not able to give her proper care.

Don't budge from that position when you speak to the discharge people and speak to them soon. As againx says -you don't want them thinking she will go back to you.

Stick to your guns. They know what resources are available.

Wishing you all the best and keep us updated.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
So, just to be clear, should I tell them now or when they say she is well enough to come home? By the way APS came to see me yesterday and I told the agent the she doesn't want to be here and I don't want her to be here. She asked me where I thought she should go? I said AL. But she can't afford it and I'm not going to pay for it and she isn't qualified for Medicaid in my state...so can you help find her a place where she is cared for. She said - no - not my job. I just need to review her issues of lack of self care. I told her that I can't make her take a shower - I can't make her get dressed. That's why I am not equiped to care for her. In addition my husband and I work full time - she needs constant supervision. APS wrapped it up quickly and left. No advise, no help, no nothing.
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I just came back from the AL my mom will be going into. It's a group home setting. She will share a bedroom and bathroom. I think there are about 10 residents. Meals are provided and medication is administered. All the furnishings look straight out of the goodwill. Not sure how a prima dona, spoiled BPD, will adapt. No TV in the room, no phones in the room - these are located in a cental family room. The best thing about this place was the gardens. I can see why this place is so cheap. It's locked down from 9:00 pm until 6:00 am. The neighborhood is fine - not dangerous or anything.
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 2023
Best outcome in a very challenging situation with no great options. It may be difficult for her to share a bedroom and bath--as well as not to have a phone or TV in her room and "straight out of Goodwill" furnishings. To be honest, it would be for me, especially the shared bed/bath. That said, although I don't have the direct knowledge base of many on this Forum, I agree you (and she) were fortunate that this facility was found for her.

Based on preliminary research I have done, Burnt and others are 100% right that NO facility charges only $1300/mo. In 1970, maybe, but definitely not in 2023! In a similar situation, I would be compelled to realize that and adapt, I hope reasonably graciously.
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