A Dr told me in 2022 that my mom has Vascular Dementia but tested negative for Dementia. He said the vascular dementia was caused by her lifetime smoking and 20+ years of hidden drinking and 10 years of an OxyContin usage. So since September of 2022 she has been in a care facility and has not had any alcohol and has not had any Oxy. In fact they monitor her meds. She is regulated to 3-5 cigarettes a day. Of course the regulation of cigarettes she complained a lot about. Then earlier this year in March she was healthy enough to get the hip surgery she needed. She did great and has recovered well from the surgery. My mom also suffers from severe depression since my dad passed away by his own choice in 2015. Her drinking and drug use was really bad between August 2015 and July 2022. Which is when my sister and I found everything out. My mom was very good at hiding her usage and we did not know how bad it was. In July 2022 she ended up in the hospital emaciated and with all kinds of life threatening stomach issues. She got there because she could not remember how to get her house or who she lived with so someone took her to the hospital. She could not remember my name or my sister’s name. So the hospital had to do some research. They found my sister’s name in their system as a relation to her and my sister called me. So I flew to my mom right away and that’s when I found out about her opioid addiction and her alcohol abuse. Since then I have been her POA and have tried to help her get healthy and get the help she needs. In March she finally was able to get her new hip and could walk better and was in less pain. She still has not really addressed her grief about my dad and it has been 9 years now since he died. All of the sudden in May I get a really disturbing text from her telling me that she wished my dad was here and I wasn’t. She also told the place she lives at that I am purposely making her stay there and she thinks I’m stealing from her and has filed reports against me. She even revoked the POA. She says she has tells anyone who will listen I’m a horrible daughter. Now the facility she lives in knows all of this is not true and that they see this a lot in people her age that are suffering from any dementia. She will be 68 in December. I love my mom and we have always had a good relationship. Then the sudden hatred at me is consistent now. I have had to block her from texting me because she says such horrible things to me. So has my sister, her sisters had to stop talking to her because she would beg for them to help her “break out” of the place she’s in. She tells the nurses and case workers there she loves living there and they have even told me during my weekly check in that she is happy and laughing. As soon as she talks to us though, we hear things like they won’t let her smoke when she wants, she feels like a prisoner, they are stealing her clothes and things like that. I talk to the people who run it and they talk to her and she denies feeling that way and that she loves it there. I am so beside myself on how to handle this. I love her so much but she is so toxic and mean now. She has made it clear she doesn’t want me around. My sister cannot help her. My aunt is done with her. But I can’t just give up on her. Any advice? Anyone else experience this? How did you deal with it? Please help.
I dealt with it by limiting visits during this terrible phase. Once or twice a week ( some weeks less ) and for short duration to make sure she was cared for . I would come at different times and days of the week so the staff never knew when I was coming . Having the staff see you coming without being predictable is a good thing . I stopped calling Mom on the phone all together .
I also used to visit Mom in the common area living room , where many residents hung out , as much as possible rather than be alone with her in her room , the lioness’s den where she would tend to behave worse . I usually brought her a treat and there was a table we sat at while she ate her treat .
You won’t be able to reason with her .
It’s not fun at all .
And sadly there's really not much you can do about it except educate yourself more about it, so you can better understand what your mom is going through.
So since she now seems to be in the paranoia phase of this horrific disease, it may just be best that you stay away and only communicate with the staff. You can give the staff messages such as "please tell mom that I love her and miss her" and then let the staff deal with the fallout if any from the message.
And as with all the phases of dementia, this too shall pass, so hopefully there will come a time that she'll be more accepting of you being back in her life.
But do know that if in fact your mom has vascular dementia(the most aggressive of all the dementias), the life expectancy is only 5 years, so she will go down hill much quicker than all the other dementias.
And she may have more than one kind of dementia, such as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome or ARBI(alcohol related brain injury) or ARBD(alcohol related brain damage)which of course could perhaps add a few more years to her life.
But either way, your moms brain is now broken and will never get better, only worse.
I do hope in time that your mom will let you back in her life, but do know that even if she doesn't, you're going to be ok, because you will know that you did everything that you could for her.
God bless you.
Id say maybe go a long time without speaking to her, just tell her she can't be nice , it's obvious that she doesn't want to talk to you, so you won't bother her anymore, and tell her if she ever wants to talk she can call you. Maybe after a period of time try calling her again. See how it goes. Maybe worrying her that you might walk will change her.
I really want to tell you to please don't try to over please her, or do anything to get her to be nice, don't go out and buy her a special candy or something that's her favorite thing. Because it won't help and will only drive you crazy in do this. Trust me , I know what I'm talking about.
I'm so sorry, 🙏, this is so sad me. Being 61 and having my kids having to deal with this, or that they could think I hate them.
Make a copy for your mom's doc, as well. Do more research. There is nothing that beats getting educated to help to deal with something: Quote...
"What is Vascular dementia (also known as multi-infarct dementia)?
Causes of Vascular dementia:
When brain does not get enough blood and oxygen supply portion of the brain is damaged leading to vascular dementia. The conditions which may lead to this are as follows:
Stroke
Cardiovascular diseases
Aneurysm in brain
Diabetes
High blood pressure
Smoking
High cholesterol"
Now as to your current situation.
If your mother has not be JUDGED INCOMPETENT under the law you cannot invoke and use a POA conferred upon you by her to manage or manipulate her care in any way she doesn't wish you to. It would seem your mother is now in care and so it would seem that her dementia has already been diagnosed at severe enough to make her unable to handle her own life decisions. Is that correct? So that you currently are responsible for her placement and for her financial decisions, and are keeping records of expenditures? Is that also true?
You are correct that if your mother is no longer competent in management of her own affairs and you are her POA you simply cannot just abandon her. BUT you needn't SEE her now to see to it that her good care continues.
You will have to learn to control your responses to your mom's accusations. Surely you understand that her mind is no longer clear, and that she is not in control of nor does she mean the things she says? So you simply will exit when Mom gets going on one of her tirades, and tell her to have a better day tomorrow and you will see her soon.
There is nothing to be done about the outbursts of seniors who have dementia. They often are abusive of the people closest to them, because these are the people they feel SAFE in venting their frustrations on.
So sorry you are going through this.
I found your post a little confusing, and I hope I got right all you were attempting to tell us. It is very sad to stand witness to the loss of a mind of one of our family members. You are doing good. Hang in there.
Your Mom doesn't really hate you. Her brain is broken and what comes out of her mouth is the product of her dementia. You will need to remind yourself of this every time you interact with her. You don't need to tolerate unproductive or painful conversations with her. There are strategies like redirection and distraction. And if those don't succeed you can tell her you have to go to an appointment and just cut the convo off and leave.
If her behavior seems to have changed "suddenly", please consider she may have a UTI, which are extremely common in older women. Often the person doesn't even realize this is the problem and the only symptoms are the changes in their behavior, like increased confusion, hallucinations, agitation, etc. Getting her tested and treated will solve this problem.
I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.