Follow
Share

Hello All. My 79-year-old mother is in her 3rd nursing rehab stay since July this year. She is getting increasingly weaker as she started using a wheelchair since her bilateral knee replacement 5 years ago-doctors warned her, "Use it or lose it." "Walk." She lives alone. I set her up with PT and OT and a personal assistant after her first and second stay. She 'fired' PT and OT and only allowed the assistant in for 1-2 hours a week. She is non-compliant with her heart meds and diuretics. She lies in her bed all day except when PT comes at the center. She says the chair is uncomfortable. She won't go to any activities, doesn't want to go for a drive. Just watch TV in bed and eat. The first stay she left walking 20 feet with a walker, the 2nd stay 10 feet. She refuses to use the safe bathroom at home where her wheelchair/walker will fit and uses the unsafe bathroom where she must hold on to counter and towel bar (as wheelchair/walker won't fit and falls (refuses a cane). We are not close, she did not raise me, and my grandmother did. I want to help, but it's like she won't help herself. Today, as I said, she is back for a 3rd stay in rehab. I went to take her clothes and saw she refused assistance from the MA to get out of bed and use walker to get to toilet, instead she defecated in her Depends and told me the MA said it was okay, that it was her job to clean her. I told her if she can't walk, how she expects to live alone with no help 24/7. She was only home 2 days before she fell and then couldn't get herself up out of a chair and called 911. All doctors have said the same thing, her only issue is "deconditioning" from lack of exercise/walking/etc. But she won't listen. It is like she is content to lie in bed and have people wait on her at rehab or scoot around in her wheelchair at home. I'm at a loss. I am toying with idea of moving in with her, but I have to work 5 days a week, I have a tricky back and shoulder and new heart issue (palpitations, chest pain) from leaky valves. I'm scared I may be signing up for more than I can handle, especially if she is more and more non-compliant. I was the one taking her to get her knees done. I have been getting her groceries for about a year, taking her to doctor visits, helping with home repairs/cleaning/etc. I believe she has a fear of falling. I get it, but what to do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
As I replied to AlvaDeer, it is a strange phenomenon how I started to feel extreme pressure that I needed to do this. Almost like reverting to a child and doing what was told, being the 'good, obedient girl'. I am SO thankful of finding this site-I am overwhelmed and you all have come in and helped me get some footing, not feel so alone, offer valuable advice in so many areas. Thank you all! For the first time in a while I can exhale for a moment. Tears of gratitude.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
AlvaDeer Nov 26, 2023
You are so very welcome.
Do stick around, and read, and help others.
Thank YOU for being so responsive. Some write us questions and we never hear a peep, so it is a pleasure for us to have someone responsive.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
Sibyl, great big warm hug!!!

We have ALL faced the challenge of an aging parent and it truly is a learning experience in finding out how little we know about it.

I recommend that you contact your local area on aging, aka county counsel on aging, and start looking into the resources available for your specific situation. Discharge will come suddenly and it helps to know what options are available.

I placed my dad in a board and care home, it was thousands of dollars less per month, didn't have amenities that he would not use and had a better caregiver to patient ratio 2 to 10. Bed bound to full blown dementia and everything in-between. My dad had good housemates and did find contentment living there. Unfortunately, I think seniors are not really ever happy with their changed circumstances and the best we can hope for is they adjust and accept. Usually when we are not present, when we are present it is usually a whirlwind of how dreadful everything in their life is, it's a prerequisite I think. Make your kids feel guilty because you got so old that everything changed, must have something to do with control.

You got this and you will be just fine on this journey. These forum members are a lifeline in these situations, so happy for you that you found us BEFORE the move.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 27, 2023
Yes, it is a huge learning curve. Will check out these board and care homes, not familiar with this concept. Thank you! Yes, this forum has already proven a lifeline indeed.
(1)
Report
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take on this enormous responsibility. Oh, how I wish I had someone to impart that wisdom to me! I am now a trapped rat in my own home with my 94 yo mother (thankfully I am single and childless). She REFUSES to walk, exercise or use her Rollator as it is intended. She sits in a wheeled dining room chair and pushes the Rollator to get around; thus, trying to maneuver TWO apparatuses at the same time. Makes no sense, but her OBSESSIVE fear of falling will not give her brain permission to stand erect (unless no one is watching, of course - the minute she sees you seeing her standing she immediately goes into her herky-jerky routine of being helpless. LOL). I had no idea how needy and demanding this otherwise totally independent woman would end up becoming. We were never close; I left home at 17 and had not been around her for more than a weekend visit here and there for the next 30 yrs; but for some reason she chose ME to take care of her - I guess she knew I would do the right thing because I am a reliable, dependable, honorable middle child a/k/a invisible lap dog. My brothers happily let me bear the burden of all of this because, well, they're males and that's what they do. If not for my therapist I would have murdered her years ago. I finally hired people to come in and "entertain" her a few days a week so I can reclaim what is left of my sanity. Frankly I did not expect her to live this long. She's been with me for over 7 years now; my hair is grey; I am old and have no life!
SORRY, I did not mean to make this about ME. I urge you to think long and hard about how this will affect your LIFE, your PATIENCE, and your SANITY. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, you can't put it back.
Good Luck and God Bless you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Dupedwife Nov 30, 2023
Oh my, LadyDi, I feel your pain and your anguish. You definitely sound like you’re burnt out. It’s time for you to seek alternative housing for your mother before you end up dying from a heart attack. Perhaps you should try to put your mother in a SNF so you can have some sanity and peace in your life.

If you continue along this path, your mother might outlive you. Don’t let this happen to you as you are still young and you have many years ahead of you.

Good luck.
(3)
Report
Time for assisted Living or a skilled Nursing Facility .
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

You already have a heart condition.
While we must each make our own choices, and each be responsible for those choices, this would be very bad decision making on your part.
Your mother is determined now to be waited on the rest of her life.
Nothing on earth will ever change that at all, and frankly, at almost 80 and not participating in rehab for 5 years it is way too late.
Your Mom needs to enter care, and you need to stop enabling her not doing that.
You need to sit down for an honest talk that you have a job and will not be taking care of her. That she will never live with you and you will never live with her.

Or, make the choice to live with her. Likely you will pre-deceed her. She will THEN go into care. If you do live through it your health, both mental and physical will be in ruins.

You need to embrace your limitations. As an RN for my job I knew full well I could never to 24/7 care. And no one WANTED me to. When this is expected of you by parents that SAYS IT ALL right there.

That's my advice. As I said, you will be responsible for making your own decision. We are all grown ups. You know the picture, because you just painted it for us quite beautifully.

I hope for you to make the right decision here. You have my very best wishes no matter what you choose.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 25, 2023
Thank you. Your bluntness really jolted me into some clarity.
(7)
Report
Moving in with her or moving her in with you would be the worst decision of your life.

She is the one whose condition has deteriorated, and it's because she wouldn't help herself. Why should you take on her care, inconvenience yourself, and destroy your own health when she didn't think enough of herself (or you) to prevent this situation?

She is the one who needs to make the change. Hi ho, hi ho, to managed care she goes. She will have the 24/7 care she needs, and you'll be able to recover from the burden she has heaped upon you. It doesn't matter if she wants to do it. She does it.

I wish you luck in dealing with this sad situation.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 25, 2023
Thank you for taking the time to reply and point out things that I was truthfully feeling ashamed for feeling. Lots of difficult emotions flying around.
(6)
Report
Aside from all else I said in cautioning you not to take on care of Mom at home, do know that this "being afraid to fall" is likely a good diagnosis of yours; with all ELSE that is going on your mom is almost certainly afraid to fall. This results in looking downward while walking, taking tiny steps, and etc. The loss of balance happens even when there is nothing else medically wrong for us elders; I guarantee that at age 81 as I have it! I weigh more than ever in my life at 145 pounds, and at 5'7" I am an active person who walks daily. I do balance exercises daily as well. Nevertheless that lower brain is quite changed, and I feel like a feather in the wind on a moving bus. It happens. And it does tend to strike fear. I have had two falls in the last few years, both in stepping backward, once over a rake in garden and once over a mop in the house. You tend to be cognizant, and at worst you become AFRAID, which hinders movement.
The physical therapists are almost ALL very aware of this. It is what they deal with daily in our jobs. You cannot change that lower brain and elders WILL fall no matter WHAT they and the medical system do to try to prevent it. It's a given. You can try to understand this, but you can't much change it.
Wish you luck.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 26, 2023
Thank you for sharing your experience and this medical physiology. "You cannot change that lower brain and elders WILL fall no matter WHAT they and the medical system do to try to prevent it. It's a given. You can try to understand this, but you can't much change it."...more perspective. This is what I need, honest perspective on expectations. I am having that official meeting with PT at the facility. Witnessing my mother's decline has made me realize the importance to start now with balance and mobility geared exercises for myself, as well as the financial planning of a good LTC insurance policy. A new life phase I am entering. Seems surreal but it is here. I wish you the best.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Stop trying to help her. She doesn't want to get better for whatever reason. I know what I am talking about. I am 89 and on my own, I got physical therapy on my own, and there are YouTube videos galore on exercises for seniors. My daughter's Mother-in-law is only 83 and she is like your mom. She will not help her self unless she is pushed, that gets tiresome. Remember the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". For God's sake do not move in with her. You will just beat your head against the wall like my Son-in-law is doing.

Don't shop for groceries, use Instacart and have them delivered. Stop cleaning and repairing, hire it done. keep the doctor's visits on YOUR schedule. Oh, she needs to pay for those services. If she has no money call your Office on Aging. IHSS (In Home Support Services)is in many areas for people of limited means, If she does not want strangers in her home, my attitude is Suck it up Buttercup.

If I seem harsh, I see my 60 year old Son-In-Law who has his own serious health problems killing himself over an ungrateful bi*ch. I was just there tonight
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Hi Sibyl! “I'm scared I may be signing up for more than I can handle, especially if she is more and more non-compliant.” You are most correct. Please do not move in, especially with the health challenges that you are currently dealing with. It seems like your mom is waayyy past being able to live outside of a facility. She needs the help and monitoring that they can offer. Praying for you as you make these decisions for her care.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 25, 2023
Thank you for your input, "It seems like your mom is waayyy past being able to live outside of a facility. She needs the help and monitoring that they can offer." These are the answers to questions running in my mind-like how to tell when a parent needs facility care. How much is too much expectation, etc. Prayers are always appreciated.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
You are new here, Sibyl, and won't understand how rare it is that we all agree with one another. Often I am off giving out my lashings of tough love while others are full of sympathy. Again, it is rare we all agree.
Please don't do this to yourself. As bad as you can begin to imagine it to be, it will be ever so much worse. Stick around here a while and read up. You will see.
My best out to you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Sibyl7 Nov 26, 2023
Yes, it is a strange phenomenon how I started to feel extreme pressure that I needed to do this. Almost like reverting to a child and doing what was told, being the 'good, obedient girl'. I am SO thankful of finding this site-I am overwhelmed and you all have come in and helped me get some footing, not feel so alone, offer valuable advice in so many areas. Thank you all!
(3)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter