My mother and I live together. Neither of us can financially afford to live on our own and don't want to live alone. My father passed away 5yrs ago. He was quite ill when he passed and could be a lot to handle. My mom started having more serious physical issues after he died and I became disabled. We didn't have any close family to help us and my sibling insisted we move closer to her so she could help. So, we moved to a much nicer place that was more accessible for our limitations. Wasn’t until we moved that my mom needed more care and became walker dependent. I have done the frustrating mounds of paperwork and chased down all the missing paperwork needed. I do it every year for mom and myself. My sibling does help. Comes in once a week to bathe mom and do housework I'm unable to do. I am literally with my mom 24/7.I find myself getting angry and frustrated. I say things that are unkind. I am depressed. I am the one that's here and I never get a break. My sibling does the once a week visit and doesn't even sit and just chat. Mom rarely leaves the apt. since she opened the door to a stranger and let my dog out, I am afraid to leave her alone. I am left feeling like the bad guy all the time. Not my siblings who aren't here 24/7 but me. This is my MOTHER and because she is my mother the criticism and lashing out is especially hurtful because I believe there must be truth to it because she's my mother. I cannot manage to get her on Medicaid as well bc I can't track down necessary paperwork and the state where we moved to is very restrictive. Therefore we can't get home help. I am frustrated with the paperwork and I'm tired of it. I don't have friends here and my sibling doesn't even have time to go for a coffee or just a little shop.
Why am I the bad guy? Why does my sibling not want to even go out for lunch w/me? Financial limitations leave me with few options.
Am I the bad guy and won't acknowledge it?
I wish I had a friend who could help me understand and empathize. I don't why my sibling can't acknowledge that I need a break or afternoon off. She and her family go on trips, etc.
I feel worthless useless and unloved. Most days I want to go to bed and never get up.
It sounds like both of you aren't getting along, going at one another in angry frustration because you're not happy living together. You're at the point where you're saying things like, "If it weren't for my dog, I'd have let go." This is no way for either one of you to live! Depression is real and it's serious....its something you need to have treated, too.
Hold up the white flag of surrender now and admit it's time to separate now, you're both miserable. Go speak to an elder care attorney about Medicaid and what's best to do here. Go back where you came from where it'd be easier to get mom on Medicaid? Let him help you get her on it here and place her in a Skilled Nursing Facility for long term care? Then you can find a cheaper apartment and get a roommate to afford the rent.
The current arrangement is clearly unsustainable for the long term, so examine your options to move away from her and get her into managed care. Don't rely on your sister....just rely on yourself to find help to guide you out of this situation once and for all. You tried it for awhile and it's no longer working....theres no shame in that. You both need autonomy and your own lives and living spaces now. You're not the bad guy and neither is she. This is just a roommate situation that's outlived its usefulness and is now an unpleasant arrangement. Had I moved in with my mother, I have no doubt we'd have been at one another's throats from the get go. She and I were like oil and water. So we lived separately and I helped her while she lived in Assisted Living and then Memory Care. We managed to salvage a bit of a relationship doing it that way. Otherwise we likely would've murdered each other in short order! She drove me absolutely crazy and as her dementia worsened, so did her dreadful demeanor.
Please don't be too hard on yourself while you iron out the details here. You did more than most daughters would've done, while being disabled yourself, so be proud of that. Give yourself the grace to get out of this situation now so you can have peace in your life. You deserve that. And you deserve to address and treat your depression too, and not just ignore it or sweep it under the rug. That's a dangerous decision to make.
Best of luck to you.
Speaking up here is a start. Next is speaking up to professionals who can help you & Mom.
Your sibling is not under any obligation to save you or fix your situation.
So please look for a good Doctor or Councillor to get the ball rolling, to assist you to find what you need to move forward.
Call your Office of Aging. See if they can help you maneuver Medicaid.
If it weren't for my dog, I'd have let go. If I'm so bad, then why stay around. I feel like I'm screaming into a vacuum. They just depend on me to always be around.
It's too bad that she doesn't really spend time with you and mom. I'm sure that's disappointing. Have you specifically asked her to please watch mom once a week so you can get out alone?
Sounds like you might be depressed. Can you get into therapy? It could help you feel better and give you some tips for dealing with your situation.
Good luck.