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My dad had to surrender his drivers license due to cognitive decline. My mom still drives but is not confident behind the wheel. They were told he could not drive but didn’t agree with the decision. While driving in town I saw my parent’s car in the other lane with my dad driving. I went over to their home later and took the car keys. At this point I will not give them back to my mom. She tells me she won’t let my dad drive but I feel I can’t trust her to remember (she has some memory issues as well). Do I trust that she will not give the keys to my dad and give her the keys back? Or do I hold my ground and refuse to hand them over? Their doctor and I both explained that if my dad is in an accident that they can lose all of their assets.

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Mom shouldn't be driving either, I'd say, so yes, you were right to take the keys. I'd also find a way to disable the car, because copies of keys are easy to get. (Pull the spark plug wires, for example. That isn't as easy to diagnose as disconnecting the battery.)

Do you have power of attorney for them? If so, I'd get the car off their property entirely -- out of sight, out of mind.

Don't cave on this. You'd hate for one of them to not only lose their assets but for one of them to kill someone or each other.
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
Thank you. Those are my feelings but sometimes you just need a bit of reinforcement for your decision. I do have POA so that will be my next move.
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You are not wrong, and it may be time to get them more help.
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
Thank you
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Unfortunately it sounds like mom is either not strong enough to stand up to dad or is under the misconception that dad is still ok to drive and is willing to act as his partner in crime and facilitate his access. Either way - that's a dangerous combination and I think you did the right thing.

That being said, as Fawnby said, if they were managing their day-to-day by driving themselves places - they will need to backfill that somehow- whether that is with grocery deliveries and scheduled rides (uber, senior rides, friends, church volunteers, you if you have time, etc) planned activities, etc or however that can be managed - OR if that means it is time to consider a move to an AL where they will have additional assistance.

What is the saying? The hard part is over, now the hard part begins...
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Oburgmom3 Jun 2023
you hit the nail on the head. My mom caves to my dad. It is hard to break a 62 year habit. My sister and I are trying to get them to try out AL but we are not getting anywhere. My dad feels he will die if he goes. They still have the old nursing home picture on their minds. Luckily I am close enough to drive for them and take them where they need to go.
thank you for your reply
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Yes, hold your ground and don't give the keys back. It doesn't matter if they lose all of their assets or not, it will be the people who are killed and the families that are left with a loss that could have been prevented whose lives have been forever changed that is a greater tragedy.

You do need to figure a way for them to have the independence they desire. On the other hand, it might be time to consider moving them to a facility that can take care of them, yet allow their independence.

I think you dodged a huge bullet when you took the keys away from them. Congratulations and good job!
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S00lin Jun 2023
Protect the assets!People are greedy! They will take all of your assets and leave you with nothing! They don't care! While this has never happened to me I have seen it happened to others, it's ridiculous how people will equate money with "feeling better"--like the money will bring them comfort or their people back!Our society today is to obsessed with litigation and "getting even"!PROTECT YOUR ASSETS!Its not like you caused an accident on purpose!It will NOT bring their relative back!!!
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Took an accident, a miracle that the only injury was bruising and a totaled car to get an elder in my world to give up driving. I don’t recommend that method. That said, they need a doable solution to run errands.
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You need to take the car, not just the keys. The loss of their assets should not be the focus, the damage they could do to someone else's life should be. What I found is that having the car sitting there, as a reminder of what they cannot do anymore has no positive effects and lots of negative ones. Once the care became out of sight, it was also out of mind (although I will admit not as much as I would like it to be!). Do you expect their condition to improve? Do you expect your mom's abilities to get better? If not, get rid of the car. If you don't have the authority to sell it then at least move it so they don't see it constantly.
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Refuse to give the keys back.Please, you know all of the whys.Offer to take them wherever they need to go.
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Davenport Jun 2023
Elmer1, you're right--except I disagree with the simplistic 'take them wherever they need to go'. That's just unrealistic. Adult children can't be on call like that (work, children, life), even if they do live relatively near.
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Also, I can't imagine looking over and seeing your dad driving in the other lane. 😻. Gotta laugh at this stuff or we'll go insane!
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When we had this with my BIL the neurologist suggested that he take a driving test that they give people with dementia. Its expensive but it would help your father understand what he has going on with him. With my BIL it was during covid so we kept telling him that the appointments are scheduled out 3 months and with him his short term memory is gone so he would just forget about it.

I had to sell his vehicle to get him into a NH with memory care because I had to spend down his finances to get him onto Medicaid. We still tell him he has his vehicle and its out at his sister in law's. His driver's license has been expired now for 3yrs.

You can't trust your parents especially if both of them show decline you did the right thing.

Prayers
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My mom was very angry when doc said you have dementia and should not be driving. She hadn't even realized that I'd already taken her keys from her purse and the spare set from the key rack. It was winter and she didn't want to drive in icy conditions, etc. She brought it up many, many times, but it just falls on deaf ears. I can't let her drive, knowing she could kill someone. Nope.
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