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My father has been in memory care for over a year. I visit him several mornings a week, and I walk with him from his bedroom through the common living area to the dining room to help him get seated for lunch. He repeatedly says to me, as we walk through the common living area, "never end up in a place like this."



While his facility is about as nice as it can be, he is repulsed by the sight of residents in wheelchairs, residents sleeping with their mouths open, and other signs of impairment. He can't hear well, so he speaks loudly and seems unaware (or maybe indifferent) to the fact that other people can hear him.



He is aware of his own impairments and is ashamed of himself, referring to himself as a "crip". I try to reassure him that I don't view him that way, but I don't know how to respond to his advice that I not end up in memory care. Usually I just say, "I won't, Dad," because if I reply that isn't so bad there, he's likely to just elaborate, in front of the other residents, on why he thinks it is very bad.



I could bring it up later and explain that other people can hear him and he might be hurting their feelings, but I've tried this approach with other topics without success. He seems to understand at the time of such a discussion, and says he won't do it anymore, but of course, he doesn't remember and does bring up the offending topic again many times. Any suggestions?

Tell him you understand, even though you don’t. Make no attempt to change or fix his behavior, it’s well understood where he lives. Know he’s being cared for and safe. Do something positive for yourself each time you leave after a visit. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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StillHereinFL Sep 11, 2024
Thank you :)
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I love your heading! Has your father discussed the "alternatives".

Welcome to the Forum. I hope you will be "stillhere" to fill in your profile for us so that we know a bit about you and the loved one you are helping to care for; that will help us in answering questions. Also look about the site for a few days and read posts; will help you to know that many questions we have in common and ask over and over again You may even find you have some "answers" for folks?

Your father isn't alone in finding the creeping decreptitude of aging as unseemly and as a loss of dignity. I am 82. I am a retired RN. I have seen it in my patients and now have lived long enough to understand that aging is one loss after another, one indignity after another, and that it all goes on, imho, way too long today. So his warning is apt, but then of course there ARE the "alternatives".

There isn't much to do but listen. That's the last honor you can pay him. To listen to his feelings, and to understand they are legitimate and they are deeply hurtful to him and that he is suffering and he is also, by the way, recognizing the suffering of those beside him who are more quiet about the whole thing.

Just shrug, tell him you are looking into the alternatives, and smile at him. Tell him you understand his hurt and his pain, and can imagine, standing witness, how much it must hurt a vital kind man to have losses and see no upside. Just tell him there's not much choice. And that you know this is tough. Don't negate what he thinks and feels and expresses.

My own mother was much the same. As she made her OWN way into her 90s she resented deeply those who were in the "apartments of IL when they should be in AL". Then she moved to AL and made mention of those who "were needing MC and should be moved". Concentrating on them perhaps made her feel better. She was a proud woman tho she claimed all pride was "false pride".

Not much to be done about this. I hope when Dad is gone you will feel as I did--a great relief that your loved one no longer has to suffer further loss, and that you no longer must stand helpless witness to it, and fearful recipient of the next round.

Best to you. You'll find a great variety of input and opinion here. Grab and enjoy what you like and kick the rest to the curb.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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StillHereinFL Sep 10, 2024
Thank you for the kind words. I will fill in my profile tonight. I'm happy to have found this forum.
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The only answer here is to distract and move onto another subject. Your answer to him is perfectly fine.

At this point, his brain can’t store information to use for the next similar situation. That’s dementia for you.

There’s nothing that you’re doing wrong here. You may find that your Dad uses this phrase as sort of a “script”. My mother does the same thing, with some phrases she uses with me. Your Dad may use that his one over and over, until the next phase of dementia comes.
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Reply to cxmoody
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Drop it. He has lost that part of his brain.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Dementia is not something you can get a vaccine for, the brain injuries people face are not generally in their control. It can't be fixed, either. No miracle treatmets or surgeries can repair dementia damage.

Dad sounds like a Pity Party, Table for One. Not much you can do except what you are doing. You don't need to go visit him several times a week, once would be enough. Maybe he needs an activity or a hobby? Or has he always been a negative person?

You already tried to discuss it and he forgets. Sorry you are dealing with this.
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Reply to Dawn88
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StillHereinFL Sep 10, 2024
He isn't generally a negative person but he has always placed a high value on ability and achievement. An activity or hobby could be helpful. I'll try to think of some.
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If this problem is worst when you “walk through the common living area”, start a non-stop conversation of your own for the little walk. Don’t let him get a word in edge-ways.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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AlvaDeer Sep 11, 2024
For me I say tell him "Dad, I want to hear your 'truth'. You taught me so much and I am wanting you to continue teaching me. But there's so much more to you than this aging, these losses. Let's have some memories of those marvelous times we shared. Remember when................"
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Alva: thanks for the positive comment. I appreciate it. So far, I have most of my marbles, I think, but my body isn't playing well anymore. My husband, soon to be 95, is actually more physically able than I am in many ways. Although he has lost a marble or two, fortunately he seems to have spare capacity to draw on. Given our ages, we are "O.K." for now, but I do worry about what may lie ahead.

Our youngest son, who is our backup POA and our Executor, will soon be 63 and recently (re)married; his wife is 65. They are both in good health fortunately and still work F/T. They have plans to enjoy their upcoming retirement. Her parents are deceased. I seriously do not want us to become a millstone.
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Reply to ElizabethAR37
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"He repeatedly says to me.."

Yes Dad. I know
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Beatty Sep 11, 2024
Oops, the rest fell off.

My Aunt would sometimes point out the slumpers & open-mouthed. She would say "Those poor souls", then quickly move on to "I am lucky I can still walk & talk".
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“ I’m glad we could be together today , Dad.”
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Reply to waytomisery
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