My grandmother lives with me. She has 3 daughters who were not able to move her in with them for different reasons. She turns 90 in a few days. She is doing very well for her age. She is vision impaired, uses a walker, and a lot of bathroom emergency type issues. I own a business and I work right now 12 hours a day. My business is next door to my home which is extremely convenient so I am able to work inside my home and be with her all day. I still manage to cook dinner daily, wash her clothes, give her meds, and anything else that she requests daily. Every day as soon as my work day is over, she thinks it’s time that I entertain her. She’s starting to get upset with me as she feels that she’s bored and needs something to do. I’m the only one in the family who will even care for her as she has pushed most of them away due to her selfish demanding ways. I’m too exhausted and I have my husband who I need to find time for as well. I’m also the parent of 2 kids. I’m tired of feeling guilty when I’m simply exhausted and doing all that I can. I’m 41 and my entire body aches daily now, because of the long hours that I’m pulling daily. She was in an independent living facility. She had several falls and a lot of medical issues that we now have under control with my care. She’s lived with me for 2 years now. When I moved her in with me, I promised to care for her. I didn’t promise to entertain her all day every day. I still have to work full time for many years to come. Just this week I worked nonstop without a break from 6am to 8pm. Our business is mostly seasonal and it’s our busy time of year. I just can’t hire and train someone to do what I do. I’ve been running our business since I was 23. So last week I finished work at 8pm. She insist I make her sweet tea. She isn’t even supposed to have sweet tea. I explained to her that I was exhausted and she said well it won’t take that long. After work each day she follows me around the house asking me to do things for her that aren’t important. I finally get a day to rest on Saturday and she ask where we are going and what we are doing. On Sunday I have to prepare for the work week ahead. I’m open to any advice. What am I doing wrong and what can I do for her?
Tell Grandma you are extremely busy with with your own business and your own family. You helped her out 2 years already, and she needs to be around people her age and activities. You have your own family and business to take care of. Hopefully she has been paying you shared expenses these 2 years??
TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK.
I read that once on this forum 😁
Move Grandma to the nearest & nicest assisted living? People, activities.. it's all there.
I also can’t understand why you feel bound to this ‘promise’. No-one is bound by a promise that doesn’t go well, doesn't go the way expected. People change their jobs when they are forced to, even if they expected to stay for years. It’s as serious as divorce – that is a promise too, but people change what to do many times, when things went wrong.
Was GM a ‘promise’ that she would left you a lot of money in her will? That’s another thing that goes wrong, when someone is no longer ‘just hanging around’. Someone perhaps must be in a Nursing Home, when they have needs around the clock with full nursing. Then the money will disappear. GMs own ‘promise’ will be gone, and you may end up with nothing except regrets.
Think about what will work ‘best’, but also what can go ‘worst’.
You are likely the last generation to “take them in.” We already assume our kids won’t. The OP is a true unicorn in how young she is. She’s way too young to be dealing with grandma care especially as she’s not living with grandma or being a failure to launch adult child with a criminal record and/or drug or psych problem who has nowhere to go.
In this case, grandma needs to be told, like today, that she will be going into state care if she’s so bored. And is granny is so great morally, she’ll cooperate.
Few ppl have the constitution to live past 90. My dad made it to 90 but then died with both kidney disease and dementia. My sister, the Kaiser doc, told him dialysis would keep him here longer but more miserable.
And so it goes. If you get that miraculous organ transplant or latest cancer treatment or whatever, you’re just elongating the time in which you’ll be unable to walk and be on the dementia spectrum.
Im childless and 60 and so is dh. We already know it’s our fate. And if you do have kids, things are going to get stressful if you even find a kid to live with considering that you’ve run out of money. There’s still this dumb ad for a cancer thing where it’s like they show two geezers hiking in a field. Unlike a viagra ad,it’s highly likely you will lose all capacity from this stuff, and if you do it’s on you and only you to spend all your kids inheritance to help y’all creep around until dementia sets in and you die in a facility you can afford without your kids visiting everyday. You might not know, anyway.
So, op, at 90 dear grandma has had her whole life to not be bored. Take her ss for a month and buy her an iPad with warranty, or an old school tv for now. Thats the solution.make it clear that as her needs increase, you will not be having great grandkid involved in diapering her. In fact that’s when she goes to a home paid for by the state.
I said it before, but the greatest or silent or whatever the 1935 to 45 generation calls themselves is seriously the most entitled followed by early boomers. Really by 1960 the party was over. This person could have had two houses if her mister worked overtime, and that’s just not possible anymore. Frankly I’d place her before individual states make even less money for old penniless citizens as they have to take care of all the old illegals too.
How is this working out for your children?
You are not breaking a promise to take care of her . You are making sure she gets the care she needs, that doesn’t mean you have to do the hands on care .
I guess in the old days they just stared at the wall all day while family were out working the fields ??
These people need to get a grip , entertain themselves or go in a facility.
In general , Maybe if they were less demanding of their families and allowed hired caregivers in the home for the hands on care , entertained themselves more , and respected boundaries of married couples who were nice enough to let them move in , their families wouldn’t mind living with them.
My girlfriend took her aunt in , you hardly knew she was even in the house . She gave them their space . She had her own room and bathroom . She had . TV, books , puzzles , word search etc. Some times she ate dinner with them , sometimes in her room . She only ate twice a day . So her early lunch she made and ate by herself . She said she “ didn’t want to be a third wheel in a marriage “. At times they would play games together that they all liked , watch a movie , have ice cream . My friend had to encourage the elderly woman to come out of her room . When the woman needed help she asked her niece to set up an aide to come to help her shower , do her laundry for her . Then when she needed more help and dementia had set in she easily agreed to go to AL .
Interesting she isn't interested in watching old westerns or game shows on the Game Show Network, like Family Feud?
You can change your mind.
A smart person here once told me that my mother had already had a chance to live her life. Now it was time for me to have mine.
Things change.
Circumstances change.
You can change your mind.
She needs to be in assisted living or a skilled nursing facility where socialization and entertainment is built in. Home care is only sustainable when it works for you, and it isn't.
But you promised to take care of her until the end, right? Well, you didn't know what you were promising. You didn't know she'd live this long or that you were supposed to subject yourself to the workings of her declining mind (that wants sweet tea because she can't understand now that she isn't supposed to have it). You didn't know she'd get demanding and have dementia symptoms or that you wouldn't have the skills to handle it. You thought you could roll with the punches, but you're not a professional caregiver and are ill-equipped to handle this degree of illness. It happens to a lot of us. No, make that most of us.
You're entitled to a life, and she deserves professional caregivers who understand what to do before it even happens. Please do both of you a favor and move her to a nice facility where she can spend the last years of her life among others of her age and abilities and be happy.
The elderly seem to forget what its like to work. My MIL felt I could just quit my job to hang out with her and she was in her 60s. My DH had a decent job but we needed mine too. You have to sit grandmom down and explain, you understand she is bored. But you are up at 5am and work till 8pm. You have a husband and 2 children they are a priority. You probably are back to bed by 9 or 10. Does not give you time to entertain her. This maybe a good time to bring up an Assisted Living if she can afford it. Tell her she will not be bored.
You really should not be responsible for her. You have too much on your plate.
As others have pointed out, you, your spouse, your spouse, your business are the priorities. This does not diminish your love for your Grandma, but pouring more time into "entertaining" her is like pouring something valuable down a deep, bottomless black hole.
She would do better in AL or MC, or a companion aid. I had a companion aid for my 2 Aunts (both 90+ yrs old) for 6 years. She was awesome! Chitchatted, played games, talked politics, took them on errands, etc. Also did some light housekeeping, food prep and helped them with hygiene. May be less expensive than a facility at this point.
Care.com or get referrals on Nextdoor.com
You work very hard and as already said your husband and children MUST come before her. Again...period. End of sentence.
If she doesn't like it you can show her the door and let her know that perhaps an assisted living facility would be best for her as she will be around other folks her own age and they will have lots of activities to keep her very busy.
You have to put your big girl pants on now and learn the art of just saying no. NO, I don't have time to make you tea right now, and NO I can't take you anywhere on Saturday as that is my only day off and I have other things to do.
You owe your grandma NOTHING, so quite feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong, but step up when no other family members did(as they knew better)and now it's time for you to know better, because when you know better, you can do better.
Your local Senior Center may have activities that she might enjoy. You would have to get her there and pick her up.
You could hire a caregiver. If she is resistant to "caregiver" call the person a Companion.
And you are doing nothing wrong.
It sounds like she is shadowing, a dementia term. Where they follow you every place you go, because they see you as a safe place and feel comfort near you.
Google Teepa Snow, watch her YouTube videos. Or anything else about dementia you can find, to see if she has other symptoms you didn't realize where a symptom of dementia.
Your young trying to build your life , don't let taking care of your grandma derail that. Grandma wouldnt want that. This may be a very long road if you keep Grandma in your home , so you need to start planning for the future.
Best of luck
The elderly need to be with people their own age, not isolated in a family members house.
My mother is 99, in AL loves it. Keep that in mind grandma could live to 99, are you ready the spend the next years babysitting your grandmother?
Let her children start looking into AL's, it is their problem to handle not yours.
I give you credit for stepping up to the plate especially because her own children did not choose to. That is telling about the kind of person your grandmother is.
The situation is as good as it is going to get, it will not improve over time. It will only get worse. Are you ready for that? What is your plan? Is your husband good with all this? How about your kids?
It's not your job to entertain grandma. Just say NO. No I can't make you sweet tea I am tired, make it yourself. No I am not going anywhere on Saturday, if you want to go out I will call you a cab. It sounds like grandma needs to go to the senior center 2 - 3 times a week so she can be with other people and socialize and be entertained.