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I have read about how bad this is. And against the law. But I'm upstairs with her down the hall. I just started locking her in. A slide lock from the outside on top. She doesn't know it's there. From 12 to 8 . This is nessasary because My mom may fall down our stairs is a big concern its 16 steps. And she will go in the kitchen try to cook and turn on the gas. She cuts the gas on all the time. Gas fumes all over. We took knobs off and she will still turn them on especially in the winter to keep warm. She takes good roast out and steaks any food she sees in freezer she will try to cook. My son came in the kitchen the smoke alarm went off she was sitting at the table with smoke all around while some food she put in the oven was burning. She is up at night will go downstairs looking for food 2:00 in the morning. Take food out leave it on table mix strange things together. I'm tired of not sleeping and worries about gas blowing up and her safety. When I do sleep I'm exhausted I may not hear her or know what she is doing. AND also her urine incontinence is awful all over the house. Nothing I can do she hates adult pull ups. She won't listen to me. I take care of my mom by myself. No help. My son is off on Tues and watches her sometimes a couple of hours while I run errands. She does everything she pulls off all her covers on her bed to the mattress everyday. I cannot understand why. Her mind is so bad and I can hardly handle her. My family does not like convelasant homes I can't put her there. When she is trying to open the door about 2:30 in the morning it unnerves me. It's a nitemare. But after a few minutes she goes back to bed. What else can I do???? Even my aunt who is her sister and a nurse told me for her safety and mine lock her in till morning. Yes it's drastic but I have peace of mind for a little while. All of this is slowly killing me. Sometimes I think I could die from so much stress.

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Why is a memory care place out of the question? If she needs it, medicaid might pay for it.
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Intherecliner suggested you "...switch the stove from gas to electric and then unplug the stove when not in use..." Unplugging it would be somewhat inconvenient (but safe from the patient), however there are easier options.

Although this can be an expense you cannot afford, it is a good option. I cannot verify that all new stoves, washers, dryers come with a control lock option, but I will hazard a guess that they do.

I can say that microwaves DO have this option. I never realized they did, until mom somehow locked the controls and YB had to "fix" it. When he told me how it works, I tried it on my own AND tried it on a very old one that I still have. They and the latest one I have now all have this feature AND the stove, washer and dryer all have it as well. This is MUCH easier than unplugging it all the time (especially LARGE appliances like a stove/washer/dryer! I lock my washer and dryer because the cats sometimes turn them on when jumping up/down from them!)

METHODS used to lock controls:
Microwave - Press and Hold the stop/cancel button for about 3 seconds.
Repeat to unlock.
My stove uses the "start" button, but same method - press/hold 3 seconds.
My washer and dryer have a Control Lock button - press/hold for 3 seconds.

Another option for electric stoves is to remove the control knobs, however some ingenious people would get pliers or something to turn the knob end...

I also like the idea of using those child-proofing door knob covers vs locking the door. If she can open it with one of those, then back to locking it...
Also, don't they make child locks for refrigerators too? Consider some for the cabinets and drawers as well... inexpensive way to keep her out of the fridge, kitchen cabinets and drawers - not sure if those would work on dressers, but it can't hurt to give it a try!

Just came back to add thoughts about the suggestion to use a baby gate - if she is downstairs and you want to keep her down there, perhaps. Some stairways are not designed to use baby gates, such as those with just railing on one side (unless you can add nasty holes to screw it in.) IF it is possible to put one in at the bottom, make sure it is high enough that she cannot climb over it (or even attempt to.) Baby gates are designed for "little" people.... As for the top of the stairs, this is a dicey solution. She could either try to get over it and fall OR just her weight alone could dislodge it, also leading to a fall.

Mom put one at the top of the stairs to the finished basement in their condo, so dad wouldn't fall. The stairway was right outside their bedroom. I found their stairs to be rather steep, which is ridiculous in a 55+ condo community! When we were ready to put it on the market, the realtor wanted us to take it down. I said no. People unfamiliar with the place might have a mishap, step backwards out of the bedroom and down they go! I said we would remove it if the buyer wanted it gone. Personally I thought it was mostly a reminder than a safety gate. If an adult were to stumble and fall on it, they'd likely go over it. Again, baby gates are designed for BABIES! Although our LOs with dementia may be drifting back in time to babyhood, they are still full-size people!
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Hugs Hugs Hugs. My Mom passed in June. I miss her terribly but not this phase of the disease. I bought these locks: https://www.amazon.com/Defender-Security-10827-Door-Reinforcement/dp/B00D2K367Y/ref=asc_df_B00D2K367Y/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=168489986144&hvpos=1o6&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13579224786629561476&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9005779&hvtargid=pla-307199445541&psc=1 They're cheap and not only could Mom not figure it out, neither could our kids or friends. It provided some entertainment and you need that. I also bought Levana baby monitors, you can get them a Walmart, Target and Kohls. I could use them to talk to Mom if she needed help, or to tell her supper was ready, or to just look in and see if she was ok when I needed piece of mind. I could also be outside in the garden and check in on her. I set one up in her bedroom, bathroom and the combined living room/kitchen. They weren't too expensive. There are other brands that might fit your needs better. I tried the 'obstacles' route. That just made things more dangerous for us. Mom was persistent and smart. She overcame them all and sometimes that was a risky proposition. Still, I admired her tenacity ;-) Hugs again. Oh yeah, we did use stronger meds to help get through this phase. I hated that hey zombied her but for all our safety we needed some sleep. Once she calmed down we dropped those meds (tho whole suite of antipyschotics you're not supposed to give dementia patients).
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Neile6 Aug 2019
hello rojo1215,
your answer was helpful to me. I’m caring for my husband who has dementia. He’s up through the night a lot, he takes off his pull ups, wets everything... it’s a circus and I’m TIRED. The dr. said I can give him clonopin or seroquel but I’ve read not to give drugs to people with dementia and have been putting it off... we’re these the drugs your mom was on for a time? Thanks for any advice.
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I put her bedside toilet at the end of the bed where she would have trouble getting out. I do have a latch on the door, but don't always use it. There is an alarm mat that you can get that will sound in your room - they are not cheap, around $130 or so, but it, or a baby monitor, would help you know if she is getting up and about. I have had to do this. My health is so bad right now that the doctor said 'try to get at least seven hours sleep.' I rarely do, but I cannot take having to get up all through the night. I give her natural sleeping pills that help knock her out, but some days are busy and she gets agitated. If she was yelling about not being able to get out, I wouldn't do it, but she doesn't seem upset.
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Just want to say none of this is easy but we do it. You sound like you thought this through & I hope it gives you the rest you need. Maybe once you’re rested you can look into other solutions people here have suggested. Any help you could get would be welcomed I’m sure & the hard part is reaching out & looking for it. Alzheimer’s association, department of aging. You don’t need to mention your temporary night time solution just that you’re alone & want to see what help might be available. Hope it gets better.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Hi you are exactly right. Thank you.
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I have inexpensive cameras that I can view on my smartphone. Go to amazon and look up Amcrest cameras you can set them up high on the wall and she won’t notice them. Then you can view parts of your house from your phone in real time if you have a smart phone and wifi
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Sending you love from one daughter to another doing the best we can. You are a wonderful daughter. Remember that!
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Hi Sweetstuff I'm sending back to you lots of Hugs and peaceful sunsets . Yes we're all in this together..Many blessings.
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Sending you much love, hugs and care!!! Take care of yourself :)
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Lots of hugs plenty of love many many blessings.
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Thank you for coming back and adding more, sometimes the details make all the difference.

The fact that she is content to go back to bed when she can't get out makes your choice much less troubling. Your updated statement that you are aware and able to listen for trouble is also much different than if you were so sleep deprived you would sleep through a bomb blast, which is what I took from your initial post.

The fact that you've gotten so many replies so swiftly shows that you have hit a nerve that many of us can relate to. You've also been given a wealth of information on coping strategies, I hope you find some of them useful.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank you so much I have been explaining exactly why I have to lock her in. I would never leave her locked in while I left the house under no circumstances. It's for her safety and mine. At nite only I'm down the hall listening and checking on her. She has snacks water juice boxes and fruit. YES I did feel guilty at first and scared to see what was gonna happen. But so far so good. Yes she shakes the door sometimes and sometimes she doesn't. When I do close my eyes I know mom is in no apparent danger. That gives me some piece of mind. I cannot and would not put her in a facility. Unless its no choice too. Many blessings to you.
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I could have sworn that you were talking about my Mom. We did the same thing. Had to put a lock on the bedroom door. We were lucky to have a bathroom in her bedroom area. Something that might also help is a device that is made to install at your driveway to tell if someone pulls up. We installed it just outside her door and we can be alerted when she gets up and passes the boundaries of her room. Driveway Patrol Wireless Home Security Alarm System - 400 Feet Range. Just under $25 and so worth it. We also had to change the locks on the front door so that we needed a key to get out which we kept near the door. I suppose that there may be some legal issues on this but you also have to do what you need to do to keep her safe and wondering out at night, turning the gas on and playing in the kitchen is not safe. Tell yourself that you can only do what you can do and try not top let it all build up. You have to take care of your self as well.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank GOD for you and your post. When I put my mom to bed I make sure she has snacks and water juice and fruit . I give her meds and cut her TV on. She always cuts her TV off. That's another thing downstairs she would unplug the TV the internet the fan the lights anything with a plug. I really do have some peace of mind locking her door. Then I know for certain she's not wandering about doing weird things. I can close my eyes whether I sleep or not. She has no ideal the door is locked. She gets stuck in our downstairs bathroom all the time the door gets jammed and I open it for her. So she thinks the same upstairs. And shakes it and most of the time gets back in bed. This is the reality of the situation she is safe and so are we. Many blessings to you and your family.
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Misseverything - so glad that you hear back from you. Sometimes, people post a question and never comes back.

Your mother has a horrible disease, but it's you, the caregiver, that suffers. I understand because my mother, too, has Alz.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank you too. People care and so do I . It's very hard to read some of the post. I want to do the right thing that's in my power to do. I cannot afford someone watching mom at nite. I'm going to get a monitor as well. Many blessings.
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Thank you for all your responses. I agree with almost all of them. It's hard for us all I really really pray for caregivers. We are the ones with our life on hold. Since my mom messes with the gas I am thinking of shutting it off and getting a plug in cooker. She goes up and down the stairs all day. My mother won't put on clothes. She walks around with a blouse and underwear. Tinkling all over the house. When I get upset and tell her about it. She says it's her house. No matter how much we may argue or disagree she forgets in a hour. This woman who was always modest and dressed gorgeous and stunning. Kept a beautiful home. Now is walking around half naked won't bath urinating in jars or anything she can. I hate I cannot have a clean house or room for her. We clean carpets constantly. I know I need to stop whining but I miss people and the community I called my brothers on Sunday no answers what jerk's. Someone talked about gardening which I do love. I am going to do it more and Mom can watch. I love her and feel so sorry for her. But lose my mind and resent her when I see the filthy things she does. I will ignore her and won't talk to her. Then give in. I KNOW she cannot help it...smh. And when she smells horrible I'm the one who cannot handle the fact she has a disease..Why she won't bath or cannot smell herself??? I tell her what's wrong with you. And I already know...smh. So I take all my meds before I go into her room. Tears run down my face as I read so many post. Because I know. But just the fact that people respond to me whatever they have to say good or bad helps me so much I'm communicating with others that bond is keeping me together.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
You don’t need to stop whining! Let it all out. This is a safe place to let out the frustrations of caregiving ❤
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First off, I am sorry that you are having a difficult time taking care of your mum. I understand the need to keep her safe vs the need for you to get rest and have a sane mind. I too was dealing with my mum getting up at night walking back and forth turning on lights, going out in the yard thinking she heard me crying or screaming and on a couple of times she locked herself out. First thing I would tell you is to buy https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00D2K367Y/ for the front door. It is a lifesaver. At least we now can sleep at night knowing she's safe inside. We got it in March, and by May, my mum no longer goes to the door and tries to get out. Can you put a child's gate in front of the stairs to keep her from falling down? Maybe something from this list can help you https://www.safety.com/baby-proofing/. To get my mum to sleep, I purchased melatonin 3 mg and it worked wonders. Now, after 4 months she sleeps on her own and doesn't need it anymore. Can you leave some healthy snacks in her room at night for her to snack on should she get hungry so she doesn't try and cook things by herself? Can you two go for a stroll in the evening? Perhaps doing this will calm her down in the evening and she'll feel sleepy. I was tying rope from my mum's door to the computer room to lock her in before we got the front door lock to keep her safely inside at night so I get it. I also purchased https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00DTXKOTM/ should your mum have a tendency to turn on the lights when she gets up. I hope you can find a solution for you both.
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A quick Follow up hope this helps.........

I spoke with a few Hospice Nurses the other day and told them the situation you were going through they honestly didn't see any real issues with what you were doing as long as obviously you weren't just locking her in, to lock her in.
Still if I was in you position I'd be contacting local Hospice centers for help they have great resources to aid you and support including Respite which sounds like you need ASAP.

To those that keep preaching Nursing Homes are the answers to all your worries and why some folk are unable or unwilling is -
Because those facilities aren't "Free"............
Medicaid doesn't cover everyone.......
It's considered Abuse to drop off a child or a senior with the attitude that you can no longer handle it........

I had no Idea Long Term Care Insurance was even a thing until recently neither of my parents knew about it either.
As far as Medicaid, I'm speaking from first hand experience and the experience that many in the medical industry have witnessed, in our situation the state has 100% approved my mother for long term aid to help me help her. Medicaid has been the road block and I'm finding out the deeper I dig they don't always approve Long Term Nursing Home Care, so it's not a given, some people are pretty much forced into the situation from the moment they got involved and that moment you got involved you began the concerns of having to answer to the state if something goes wrong, it's a tough spot to find yourself in for some.
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Myownlife Aug 2019
It is NOT abuse to no longer be able to care for a senior. If you cannot, you cannot.
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Have you considered calling your local Ombudsman? (sp)

Or contacting any agency in the Dementia/Alzheimer's area There are so many places, and I am not saying it is easy, but the hospitals cannot even put up bars on the beds because that is entrapment.

Where do you live?

Best of luck and stay strong
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madhatter632 Aug 2019
Hospital beds have full rails the legalities you're referring to have more to do with the issue that someone is being left for long periods of time unattended.
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I read about people who care for a family member who is a danger to themselves and other family members. I don’t understand why a family member isn’t placed in a facility for their safety and yours.
Yes I had area to place my husband but he dyed the night before he was to go to a facility.
I t was a heart breaking decision, but he was total care and I couldn’t lift him in and out if bed.
Having care takers in the home was so expensive and I needed 24/7 help.
I have made it very clear in ny advanced directive no feeding tube, comfort care only.
Also I have told my children I do not want to live with them, they have their lives and I will not be a burden to them.
I have been in a nursing home for extended time because of surgeries, my husband would not provide care I needed.
I know what they are like, but I will not burden my kids.
Fircyour safety and sanity find a place for your mom. Any family member who makes a comment, say to them where were you when I needed a break
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You say your family does not believe in convalescent homes, but can they help you? If you can't move your mom to visit other relatives, can they come to your house so you can get out for the day to destress? I am so sorry that you have so much to take care of with your mom.
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Misseverything, I can't say I agree with you locking your mom in her room, however. I sure can see why it has come down to that! My heart breaks for you. You to be in a situation your damed if you do and damed if you don't!!

You know what you are doing is wrong on so many levels, but you are wrong if you just slept through the night and let mom run the house with no supervision. Oh how easy it is for us to sit in front of our computer screens and tell you to do this or that because we are not in your shoes. My dad use to say, "don't judge anyone until you've walked in their shoes." I am not saying everybody on here is judging you! But there might be a few!!

You are doing the best you can in a bad situation. I would like to think I would never lock my mother in her room at night, but the truth is, I don't know that because I don't know what the future holds. Heck, we have bolt locks that need keys to get out the front and back door--always have! My dad put them on the doors 50+ yrs. To this day, I lock the front door and hide the key--it is within reach should a fire break out. In fact, when I was 7yrs old we had a fire and my brother got the key and let us out all awhile my dad was busy getting my cat.

What is my point? We do what we have to. If there is no family or friends to help and there is no money--then what? Oh yes there is Medcaid, but what if there are no available beds in your area? Then what? Right! Or maybe you just haven't come to that place to give yourself permission to take mom to a MC. And that is ok...because I believe if that is the case you will get there in your own time.

I know you don't want to lock your mom in her room...who does?

None of us grew up thinking that we would find ourselves taking care of our parents. They were suppose to have it planned out and money to take care of themselves. I for one never saw it coming...my mother should have died along time ago. She survived rolling a Blazer 5x, she beat cancer 3x, and had more surgeries then Frankenstein. I hope I made you laugh. But its true!

I don't know what you are looking for--as far as what you can do and maybe I haven't been helpful and I am sorry for that.

What I do know is you are doing the best you can right now! Do remember to take care of yourself.


Hugs!!
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank you Hugs to you to and many blessings.
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Misseverything,
My heart goes out to you. You are definitely in crisis mode. Your love for your mother is evident but you cannot allow taking care of her to be your own demise. Who will take care of her when you are down? That could be scarier than any alternative.

My mother has been in a Personal Care Home in Georgia for 3 1/2 yrs. She'd been living alone, not preparing decent meals daily, skipping meds, getting weaker and then started falling. She even put a large dent in sheetrock with her head in one of her falls.

My husband and I live with my daughter and her family. Of the 5 of us in our home, my husband's health is rapidly declining and is also showing signs of dementia to go along with failing physical health, my 19 year old granddaughter has epilepsy (avg. 25 seizures an hr, yes hr) and is on the autism spectrum, and my daughter in law has many health issues and is recently disabled. I cannot take my mother into my home. We simply could not care for her properly.

My daughter and I looked at many Care Facilities before placing her. The day we walked into her current home, we breathed a sigh of relief and knew the search was over. Mother now lives in a beautiful Victorian home that has been expanded to total 27 resident rooms. The staff absolutely loves the residents and cares for her as I would. By the time she moved in, I already knew I could rest easy from night 1, knowing she was well cared for. She loves the caregivers, knows about their families, flirts with one's military husband (dad was USAF), and laughs with them daily. I absolutely love the home. The owners do not tolerate unsanitary situations or odors. You walk in to a fresh home day or night. This home has a special needs unit that is for more advanced memory care residents where they are continually cared for and loved.

A year and a half after mother moved in, I went to work as the Administrative Assistant and love it even more. One night working late, around 8pm, I listened to caregivers going room to room, helping whoever needed help to get ready for bed and tucking them in, asking if they needed anything, and saying "Goodnight, I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." I cried as I sent my boss a message about it, saying "THIS is why my mother is there."

I tell you all of this to really say, there are many good places out there. Please go look at some. Look at some of the smaller ones where caregivers know all of the residents. There are wonderful people out there who are caregivers, not for the paycheck, but because it is their nature. Only you can preserve your sanity and your health. And you must or who will take care of her when you are gone?

I feel so very blessed to have found a wonderful home for my mother and I pray you will find the same for yours. You are in my thoughts and prayers. May you have peace as you take the next steps.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Hi Charlotte was a inspiration you are. Your family's hands are indeed full. Thank GOD you found the ideal home for your lovely mom it sounds perfect. May GOD bless you and give you strength to do what you need to do. Many blessings.
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gdaughter: So do you think that this person should be allowed to stay in the home?
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I can empathasize with all you are experiencing. I had my MIL living with us for several years. We were unaware she had Alzheimers until she came to stay with us. She wandered outside often. In two years she flooded our house by leaving the water on in the bathroom. We had to have all the carpets lifted and commercial fans brought in to dry them. Then she got up at about 3:00 am and put something in the microwave for 2 hours rather than 2 minutes. Her son woke up smelling smoke and somehow got the microwave outside where it burned the grass when he dropped it on the ground. Our house was filled with smoke and we were unable to go back inside for a considerable amount of time. She would drop a glass on the floor in the kitchen and leave it and I would find broken glass in the morning in bare feet. She never slept and her Dr. didn't want to prescribe sleeping pills for fear of her falling. To limit her access to the rest of the house we finally had to put up a louvered door in the hall, which was locked from the main part of the house, restricting her to her bedroom, a bathroom and our bedroom which had an outside entrance we put in when she came to live with us. We had to lock the closet in her bedroom so she didn't have any access to her clothes until morning. We never slept through the night from the time she came to live with us until the day she left. Finally when I could not do it any longer I spent about two weeks checking out all the available places she could be placed and finally made a decision. We contacted all of her children and her step-children and informed them of our decision to place her in better care. Even the new facility had problems with limiting her access to the other rooms at night. Finally after having a visit from the state where they were informed she could not be locked in her room it was decided to try using a plastic door cover on the inside door knob of her bedroom door. The kind you use to keep children from going outside because they usually can't squeeze hard enough to grab the actual knob. She had arthritis and couldn't squeeze. Anyone had access to her room but she couldn't leave unless it was opened from the outside. Problem solved. She wasn't locked in but her access to other places was restricted at night. We visited her several times a week and our sanity was restored.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Hello to you Desertgirl yes indeed that describes my mom. She burnt up the microwave and a pan in the oven. She pulls all her dressere drawers and takes her clothes out. Unfortunately my mom does unthinkable things that I don't know exactly. But her clothes smell like urine. Smh it awful I wash them over and over. My cousin told me take ALL those clothes out of her room with only some pants and dusters. I haven't done that yet but I am. And another thing my mom does is drink one cup after another through the day till a gallon of orange is gone it last 2 days. I buy a tub or sherbet same thing about 3 days. So I put food outside in garage fridge.. Lord it's one behavior after another. I know it's her mind but it's a pattern over and over. My mom takes a cup to the bathroom rinses herself I guess and it's water and wet toilet paper all over the floor. And yes the faucet is running when she leaves. Her hearing is awful. Won't wear a hearing aid. She would lose it anyway. I'm not complaining because I have had some sleep since locking her door and she doesn't get up every nite. She may be getting in the habit of staying upstairs all nite. So far it's working. Many blessings to you and your family..
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I’m a RN and you can’t lock her in her room ,if there ever was a fire or she fell and hit her head or broke a hip you’d go to jail ..Can you get someone to watch her at night maybe a family member or maybe a PCA to sit with her ..can you move her bed in your room or your bed in hers ... what about a bed alarm that will sound when she gets up ...please contact elder care services they can help ..you may have to get someone to sit with her at night ,,,but locking her in her room won’t solve the problem and may cause more ...lots of love to you ,.you and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers
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Myownlife Aug 2019
I'm an RN also. Reread the OP's post. OP is worn out from no sleep.

Whether the door is locked or not, at some point "the patient" may fall and hit head or break hip. OP already indicated there is no one else to help with "the patient" to sit with her or otherwise.

Sleeping in the same room or a bed alarm does NOT help. THIS STILL does not allow the OP to SLEEP. I seriously doubt that elder care services staffs sitters at no cost.

While locking the door may be illegal, unless this OP is able to place "the patient" in a memory care facility, there truly is no alternative. The OP needs sleep and able to relax..... and truly truly needs to set the family straight and unless someone is able to help, be strong and place her mother in a facility. I can imagine it is really hard to come to this point. But the OP has a life as well and needs to understand that she has done all she can. I really feel empathy for her and know that I myself may not be far behind with my mother who is due to come home in a few days from rehab for stroke/heart attack/"beginning/middle" dementia. And I know that this kind of behavior would definitely be something I would have to rise above and place my mom in a facility, as I too will need sleep and ability to focus on a full-time job.
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Haven't read all 114 answers yet so pardon me if my comment is irrelevant.
I don't agree that locking someone in a room is the last option even if it's for well meaning intentions. I think that at this point help from an outside source is necessary.
If I were in this situation, and who knows maybe I will be, I would ask myself...
Is there medication to help her sleep better? Can I move her bed downstairs? Can I put a lock on the kitchen door? Is there anyone I can call to sit up at night just to make sure she is safe and I can get some sleep (siblings, adult children, neighbor, friend, agency)? Is it really not an option to place her in a convalescent home? Do I want to keep digging my grave for an early death?
You might want to rethink your options.
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Have you tried getting Hospice involved.?
Hospice can help get you a lot of things that will help you, First thing would be a Hospital bed with full rails and a bed alarm.
My case is a bit different as my mother can't really walk without help but that doesn't stop her from trying so the full bed rails keeps her in bed.
My mom would pull the pull ups off and put reg. underwear on in the early stages, I stopped this by removing all her underwear and filling that draw with the pull ups.
Locking the door although considered abuse in most states is something that is normally overlooked until something bad happens, seriously I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing as long as you're not locking her in to leave the house.
When my mother began wondering a bit when she could I replaced the dead bolts on the house to double keyed bolts, I too am all alone and have no one to help me Hospice is a great help but they're not 24/7 either, all the nurses agreed the double bolt was perfectly acceptable at that time.
The sleep issue can't help you with that but to say I feel your pain, I'm in the same life raft as you Thank God for Hospice and Respite, mom gets to go to the hospice house for 5 days every 30 days to give me a break, mom actually loves the Hospice House Hates Nursing Homes though.
One last thing have you tried to find any Senior Connections Centers for aid and assistance they're normally a wealth of information and help to fill out any needed paper work.
As far as Hospice aid goes don't wait on her doctor to recommend it find the a local Hospice, interview a couple and pick one they'll tell you whether you qualify or not, some are more accepting then others when it comes to Mental Health it's not just about end of life with every Hospice.

On a side Note:
I simply love how it's so easy for so many people to simply say "Nursing Home" Thank God I'm not stuck in that heartless type of family........ A Nursing Home is not the answer to everyone's problems, Glad it worked out for those that took the easy way out but if you'd bother to read the entire post before commenting you'd see in a lot of situations Nursing Home is not a valid option for everyone, try some compassion versus tossing folk under the bus.
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lealonnie1 Aug 2019
Mad Hatter......very interesting screenname you have chosen. Your "side note" is very judgmental and "heartless", even though you are saying that those who have gone the SNF route are heartless and have taken the easy way out. Sounds laughable to say any part of this journey is easy for ANY care giver.

I was a care giver for a man named Jim who suffered from dementia. Jim's daughter didn't believe in The Horrible And Heartless nursing home/memory care home either, despite all the warnings she was given about her dad wandering at night. She also didn't believe in installing inside key locks on the front door.....one that would require a key to get out. Jim insisted he lived Across The Street and so he'd set off every night around 2 or 3am to find His House. His daughter would have to go fetch him in the middle of the night, or the police would return him to his real home. One night, Jim set off to Find His Home again at 3 am and fell in the street, suffering a subdural hematoma. He wasnt found until a few hours later, after losing lots of blood and going into a coma. Jim passed away the next day in the hospital. We all cried at his funeral, especially knowing how he died and that it could have been prevented.

All the compassion in the world isn't going to bring a loved one back once they've died because their loved one insisted they live at home when they're in no condition to do so. We can "throw the OP under the bus" all day long, but if it gets her to think about doing what's safest for her mother, it's a deal.
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PLEASE consult an Elder Care specialist asap. You are putting yourself in serious legal jeopardy with this situation. You confess in the 1st sentence you know it is against the law. A house fire or any number of things could happen taking the life of your loved one and you would be charged with multiple crimes. Push for immediate placement in a safe environment for your loved one so you can function in your own life also.
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I'm sorry to tell you but your mother NEEDS to be in a nursing home. This is an unsafe environment for her and for everyone else that lives in the house. If something happened to her while in your care you would never forgive yourself. You say your "family doesn't like convalescent homes". Are THEY helping you??? it doesn't appear so. You need to put your mother's needs FIRST. She needs 24/7 care that you cannot provide.

Good luck. It's not easy.
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Hello sweet caregiver,

My heart pours out to you. I fully understand. I too for 7 years, care for my mom who is challenged with hypothyroidism dementia.

My best advice to you is to have her thyroid check with a full blood panel to determine her cause of dementia...eg glucose, blood pressure, tsh, t4, t3 ect. Often times, there is a metabolic imbalance.

We now use a holistic approach with a holistic doctor. A clean diet with proper supplements makes a world of difference. We use supplements for the mind: fish oil, phosphatidyl serine, tyrosine and GABA among other supplements.
Hydration is essential with good quality water from the health food store. Keep a daily log of foods and supplements consumed for observation purposes, to determine what works vs what doesn't work. It's a very detailed process AND takes time - months upon months. Also avoid dairy, almond milk is wonderful. Be creative with plant based protein powder in non dairy ice cream and non dairy yogurt.
Most of all stay encouraged and reach out to federally funded agencies who offer respite care in the home. Talk to a social worker in your mom's healthcare network, they have tons of advice. You're not alone, reach out to senior agencies for help.

Many Blessings dear daughter!

Adrienne💕
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank you I will have her checked and GOD bless you .
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I know what you are going through because I am living your life. You do what ever you need to do to keep her safe. you can put a quick release lock on the outside upper part of her door incase of fire that you can easily unlock, or get an electronically activated one that auto unlocks incase of fire. You can also get door alarms, bed alarms etc. It took 2 years with her Doctor to find the right combo of Meds to help my mom sleep at night and still have a coherent day. I took all her underwear away and put adult pull ups in their place. I told her the Doctor said she had to wear them now. It only took a few days and she accepted them. As for the stove, mine was easy because it was electric and I just shut it off at the breaker box. You need to find a way to shut off the gas at night. The best thing is to put her in a Group home that specializes in Dementia. NOT AN OLD FOLKS HOME. A group home only has 5-8 residents and is a real home. She will be with people like herself and they keep them busy. You then can be her daughter instead of her caregiver, You need help, I know what you are going through and what you will be going through as her disease progresses. I took care of my Grandmother by myself for 9 years and now my mom going on 9 years of which I have done by myself. It has only been the last couple of years that I got my family to help me. They were so clueless of how hard this is until I forced the issue. I told my family I was taking a break and they will need to take care of her cause I was leaving. They were shocked that I thought I needed a break after 14 years of taking care of relatives. But they showed up and I explained what I did, left a written book on her care and left for 2 weeks. It was Great! I prayed that mom would survive and returned to a group of 6 people taking care of mom. Not one of them could do it by themselves. They all received a new perspective of what I did everyday by myself and decided to help me. It lasted for a couple of years and is tapering off again. If I could afford it ,my mother would be in a group home. Hang in there, and keep fighting for your mom, but don't forget if you go down, so does she. Fight for yourself too!!
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disgustedtoo Aug 2019
Glad to hear that at least one was not only able to "knock" sense into family members, but get them to continue helping, even if they are starting to back off now!

Neither of my brothers have a clue. When I was telling OB it was too much (and I wasn't even doing the hands-on), he just bellowed at me to "Give it up" - yeah, and then what...??? No suggestions or plans. Sure, that'll work. When I told YB recently that I will need his help now when mom has appointments, etc and that it was all getting to be too much, I could tell by his silly replies (But, but they take care of her...) that he doesn't understand - I suspect he thinks all I have to do is write checks at the end of the month.

If mom qualifies, you could possibly get some in-home help via Medicaid. At least enough to get you some "me" time.
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I have seen a product called Smarturns which can inform you when the stove is turned on, you may search from the internet and consider.
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Misseverything Aug 2019
Thank you. Many blessings.
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There are now 107 responses to this post and it is ever a good reminder as to why someone should be very cautious in posting. So many opinions and people who think they know all the answers and sit in judgement of others. So much BS mixed in with good advice...
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madhatter632 Aug 2019
I think you have to realize most of these people that are giving these opinions and screaming the loudest have never actually been put in this situation.......

I was told once by some pinhead on this site my mother is a danger to herself and I should simply drop her off at the hospital and tell them I can no longer deal with it........ anyone that's dealing with this knows that is considered Senior Abuse and that's not how it works in the real world.
This site is Great at times but we don't need these people putting their opinions in unless they've experienced these issues first hand it's supposed to be a supportive site, it's somewhat easy to tell the ones that have lived it and the ones that haven't.
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