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Hi all. First post here so thank you in advance for any answers and help.
My partner's mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. She has delusions that have caused her to wander to a neighbors house thinking her son lived there. The family at that house called the police for assistance even though she was totally non-violent. She was taken to the hospital for evaluation and then placed in the psychiatric ward for a few weeks while they administered medication (to help with the delusions) and evaluated her. In this process, they concluded her paranoia and delusions are dementia.Part of her delusion is that she believes her son (my partner) is not her real son but an imposter. This makes it impossible for him to help take care of her, despite numerous attempts to form trust and a relationship.She was released from the psych ward recently (and went home because she has been able to generally take care of herself) but has not shown up to any of her court ordered Dr. appointments. As such, they are issuing a non-compliance order and if she comes out of her house, they will take her back to the hospital. At that point, we have decided she cannot return home and needs to go into assisted living or other type of care.However - and here is the ultimate question from the long-winded intro - the couple of places he's called to get her into won't even talk to him after they hear she's been in the psych ward (despite no violence or aggression, or mental illness of any type). Has anyone run into this as well? It feels very discriminatory because they aren't even willing to speak to him further or do an assessment. She's a great candidate for assisted living because she can do so much on her own but just needs a safe place that is secure and keeps an eye on her... until the dementia progresses to her needing more skilled care.

Keep looking. There are some now with in-between care, where the facility has locked cottages that still remain more ALF than MC. My brother's in Palm Springs was doing this starting about 5 years ago. I do think however that it is rare, this is progressive, and you may not have a choice other than MC placement. It is up to each individual facility and they often opt for safety first.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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birdie1052, there is always confusion when it comes to the term "Assisted Living". Usually assisted living is for those who need help physically with daily living, and people of all ages reside in assisted living. They can go outside on their own free will.


Your Mom has a memory problem, so the best place for her would be "Memory Care" as the Staff in memory care are familiar with the mysteries of dementia. Plus, memory care doesn't allow the residents to go outside unless they are with family or Staff. The Memory Care floor is always locked (no different then us having our front and back door locked all the time).


When calling around looking for Memory Care, I wouldn't mentioned "psych ward". Let the facility do their own vetting. In fact, I wouldn't been surprised if your Mom had an urinary tract infection which was causing her to be delusional. Did the hospital check her for a UTI?
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Reply to freqflyer
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MargaretMcKen Aug 14, 2024
M was in the psych ward for 'a few weeks', so not much chance it was just a UTI.
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Since it is dementia, you're probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. The caregivers in memory care are specially trained to take care of those with dementia. Dementia can be different every single day, and mom needs people who can cope with that. Also getting her settled in AL and then having to move her to memory care, which requires a whole new adjustment on her part, may not be the best thing for her.

I hope you find the perfect place.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Assisted Living doesn't provide the required care. They do not take escapees, or patients with any form of delusions. They are for high functioning elders that my need help with medications, or can't drive, or prefer to avoid doing household chores, like cooking, dishes or housekeeping.

His Mom needs Memory Care, which provides the level of care for her particular issues. Being in a psych ward clearly indicates she has significant problems and needs proper supervision. Nothing "discriminatory" about it. He wants his Mom safe, or he doesn't.
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Reply to Dawn88
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She needs memory care and sometimes they can’t even deal with the behaviors .
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Reply to Bamagirl76
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ALs are really not for those who have Dementia. The staff is not equipped to care for those who need to be watched 24/7. They are not lock down. Some residents still drive. Some have Memory units attached and thats where Mom should go.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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She needs a locked environment, which AL usually doesn’t provide.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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In the big picture of things, AL includes MC. MC being a higher level of care in a secured area than regular assisted living, where residents can pretty much care for themselves. So I'm not sure if you're trying to place her in AL or MC. From your description of her symptoms, she certainly belongs in MC. Her delusions, hallucinations, and especially wandering, are what MC aides are trained (hopefully) to deal with. The fact that she spent some time in a psych hospital for evaluation shouldn't be a roadblock to MC admission. My wife was in MC for 1 month before her behavior became too difficult for the staff to manage; smashed family pictures, broke the room thermostat, used vulgar language, damaged the venetian blinds, and more. The facility required her to be placed in a psych ward to modify her behavior. After just a short time, and given the proper meds, she came back to her room in MC to live out her life. I realize each facility can set its own rules, but your mom's background should not prevent her from being admitted to MC. AL, yes, but not MC. Keep trying.
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Reply to sjplegacy
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My mom with dementia lives in AL for now. She doesn't have issues with wandering so that may be part of why you are having issues. She still actively and appropriately engages in activities, meal times, etc. I do think that a move to MC may happen by the end of the year. I have regular meetings with the staff for her care plan and so far they are ok with offering the support that she needs. When MC becomes necessary she can hopefully move into the adjoining wing (if they have room). I'd say keep trying but as others have said she may need memory care instead of AL.
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Reply to Scbluheron
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First: What state do you live in? Some states have better care options than others.

Second: I know two people with Alzheimer's who live or lived in traditional Assisted Living facilities. Wandering was not a issue, which made that possible.

If your MIL can take pretty good care of herself, but wanders - you will need to negotiate that with a care facility. Or maybe a adult home situation would be better - fewer residents, more personal. They may be more likely to take you MIL, and if it is a decent place, it will feel far better than a memory care "facility," where she will be surrounded by many people far more challenged (a model which is really quite horrible if you think about it).

I feel for both you and your MIL. Dementia is a dis-order we have a long way to go in developing compassionate, humane ways of addressing.
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Reply to elisny
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I've heard of this impostor delusion. See if the below link is useful for information.

"Some people with dementia experience Capgras syndrome, where they believe someone close to them has been replaced by an identical impostor".

https://www.dementiauk.org/wp-content/uploads/dementia-uk-false-beliefs-delusions.pdf
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Clatour Aug 23, 2024
Thanks for the article reference. Very helpful!
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Even if Mom is mobile, can look after herself with eating, bathing, dressing etc, panic, fear & wandering could be triggered by the fluctuating delusions at any time.

Unless medication is found that works to remove the delusions, unfortunately fully supervised living may be necessary.

Finding a safe yet homely place will be a challenge. A place with sitting rooms & gardens to walk freely but doors locked to the street would be ideal.

My neighbour was against a locked ward MC unit. He kept his Mother at home despite a few incidents of daytime wandering (& being brought home by neighbours). She wandered outside one night & was hit by a car on a main road. Very sad.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Reply to Beatty
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You might encounter the state rules on scope of practice. If a couple ALs reject, they will all reject at this level. Next step is MC. There are professional organizations who can help such as carepatrol.co if they are in your area or aplaceformom
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Reply to MACinCT
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Assisted livings will not take her as they themselves can not afford to hire a one on one person 24/7 when she wanders and nor could you. As far as her being in a hospital for 2weeks with meds was not just because she wanders. I would want to see all her nursing notes reason being she was more than likely aggressive (dont misunderstand aggressive) it means she was not okay with what they were doing. A simple push them away or stating No when care was needed they consider aggressive. some are also put in 4point soft restraints,and the type of med they had her while there.when facilities read hosp reports that will tell them she may not be safe in their facility. Even locked units will have an issue with wondering as wondering leeds to elopement which could be huge and so much danger to herself and others. Technically no one can put their hands on her they can guide but cannot force her to go back too her room or wherever they would like to redirect her to. Over the years I have found that facility have a hard time telling love ones the truth, so they tend to make stuff up just so you don't get your feelings hurt and they don't look bad. FYI please if you have a facility willing to take her be CAREFUL get every bit of info you can as most of them are $$$ driven and she maynot get the care she deserves.
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Reply to LoniG1
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Can your partner intervene with the courts? This poor woman has dementia with delusions, she is NOT a criminal.

She needs serious help and now. Being able to take care of ones self in a hospital setting is FAR different from taking care of ones self in a home, I would pitch a fit for her being released to "live" alone, based on the diagnosis alone she should have been slated for emergency guardianship.

Your partner should contact the hospital, court, social worker and anyone else that can help them seek emergency guardianship. His poor mom.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Most facilities will not accept a resident until they have 60 but most are 90 days with no intervention.
Honestly his mom does no t belong in AL but in Memory Care. AL in general is not a locked facility and that appears to be what she needs.
Are there any smaller Group Homes in your area that may accept her. With fewer residents it might be easier for staff to monitor her.
Check with your local Senior Service Center and see if they are aware of any small facilities.
You could also check with the Lawyer that is handling the court case.
A call to the unit where she was in the hospital the Social Worker may have some ideas.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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She needs an mc for as long as she can pay for it, after which she’ll have to settle for a Medicaid ltc or such that may just see dementia as one of many priorities.

So, assuming she does have some money, perhaps doctors notes attesting she’s stable with medication could help her segue to an mc where they engage her as a “helper” by folding towels or whatnot or have other dementia specific programs. If she does outlive her money, chances are she’ll be too out of it to care.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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This is not unusual. It doesn't have 'anything' to do with discrimination in this situation; facilities need to have appropriate staff and locked doors / facility for wanderers.

It is not surprising to me that they wouldn't interview / meet your MIL. They know who they can manage based on degree of dementia or more specifically, perhaps MD documentation / diagnosis, and their specific facility structure.

It sounds like your MIL may need to go into memory care as you describe her brain chemistry / hallucinations.

Do they have this level of care?
If not, you likely will need to find another place that does.

My heart goes out to your husband. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have a parent not recognize her child. How is he coping?

If your MIL fears her son due to associations, he could say "I'm his really good friend and he asked me to visit you today - if that's okay with you (?).
"Your son is at the store shopping for groceries now. He'll come over later."

You NEVER want to 'try' to convince a person having hallucinations that they are 'wrong' / nor correct them. This is their brain chemistry; they cannot help what they sense / see / believe. Developing a sense of safety and trust is fine / needed although if she is triggered (scared) by her association of this 'man,' it might be best if he doesn't get too close / invade her personal space. Perhaps he could sit a distance away and observe her.

See if MIL needs medication. Or the medication could have something to do with the hallucinations. Do read up on these things (to help you / your husband understand what is going on in her mind, as best one can. Often most of us have no idea what they think or how they synthesize / process information (incl visual, non-verbal, verbal) incoming in.

My client in memory care talked 'gibberish' only.
Focus on smiling, (soft) tone of voice, mentioning her name, saying things like "that's a good idea, I'll think about it" or "I have to think about that and get back to you" depending on how she communicates.

Change the subject or re-focus her attention as needed.

See if you can work with a social worker (at the hospital) or call your County, Senior Services for referrals. Or if there is a dementia association in your area, call them (for support groups if that could help you/r husband and possible facility referrals).

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Seems she will need memory care unit since she is a flight risk.
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Reply to Taarna
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It sounds like she needs more care and supervision than assisted living provides. That's why she gets turned down. She needs to be in a locked memory care facility now.
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