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I moved her from GA to TX in May, purchased a home with elevator to accommodate her and she’s miserable and uses me as a punching bag as she’s angry at the world. This is the 4th time in 3 months she stated she want to return to GA and I’m ready to help her pack! I avoid her like the plague she’s extremely mean spirited! Suggestions?

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Why did you opt to bring her to live with you in TX to begin with? Is she unable to live by herself? No one deserves to be miserable in their own home. Life is too short to put up with her negativity. I'm guessing you knew how she was before you decided to move her. Did you think she would change once she was with you? Well obviously you are seeing that she's not, and if she really doesn't appreciate all you are doing for her, then perhaps it really is time to be making plans to send her back to GA. I'm sure they have lots of nice assisted living, or independent living places there, if that's what she prefers.
Please don't continue to take her abuse. You deserve so much better.
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I totally get it. I did the same in January after she fell and had hip replacement. Eleven months later my marriage is suffering, I’m under a neurologist care with tremors, I see a therapist once a week- for what?
I spent $$$$$ doing a garage conversion to allow 500 sq ft of space for her and dad. She has this “special” cynical laughter which is what I get if I ask her about food, comfort, personal needs.
I had to hire a caregiver because it’s two- both mom and dad (both 94).
there are no siblings since my sis passed 1 1/2 yrs ago(by the way, they didn’t come to the funeral), no family members to help. My niece and nephews are lined up waiting to get the inheritance before their death and never come by .
I have a ball and chain tied to the house, unable to leave them alone for any given time because they wander off. They are horrible to my little dog, mean to the core to the caregiver and just hateful 24/7.
Guilt? I can write the book on guilt.
I started reading a book “Boundaries” recently. I read at 2:00 am when I wake up drenched in sweat (not because of menopause) because of anxiety.
I feel for you. I’m sending you lots of good wishes and a mental hug. I sincerely hope you find strength to make necessary changes to make yourself happy. I’m a weak person and can’t find the way out.
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LoopyLoo Nov 2020
Wow. This sounds like hell!

Who said you're a "weak person" who "can't find the way out"? Because neither of those things are true!

You aren't weak; you're hurt. And have every right to be. You've gone the extra mile and then some, and still your parents are unappreciative and ungrateful. You know they won't change. You know the way out... to have them placed and take your life back once and for all. It's just a hard, scary step to take. But you have to... these people have had enough time ruining your life. You're done.

Whatever you do, keep your dog away from them! They sound heartless enough to truly hurt or kill it.

With that... they are under your roof. And your roof = your rules. Your home is to be respected. Your rules include being polite to caregivers and NOT harming, or trying to harm, your pet in any way, shape, or form. If they can't stick to that, it's time for them to go. There's a lot of advice on here about getting parents on Medicaid and getting them placed.

If they're constantly wandering, you have no other option but to place them. Eventually they will be hurt, get lost, or fall in the street.

You sound so broken. It's not your fault! You have evil people for parents and nothing you do will fix it. They will never appreciate you. It's their loss and their problem. If you are hoping they'll finally love you after doing all you've done for them... they won't. You deserve better than that.

If they pull the "you're supposed to take care of us" card, tell them you've TRIED to care for them, spent money on them, and they're not happy. You can't do anything more for them, so they need to pick another place. The blame is on them.

Guilt is warranted when YOU have done wrong. You haven't.
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I would encourage you to get counseling. Often when a child continues to have dealings with an abusive or narcissistic parent it is because they have been lifelong well trained to do this. You co her and enable her by allowing her to have her way while you break your neck to make her life better. You will perhaps have in the end to accept that your Mother is quite simply not a very nice person, and she may be a person you need to avoid for your own health and joy. Remember, the choice to engage with her is all yours. You are in charge of your own life. Do consider help. As someone who has had to do this (for other reasons) I can tell you that a bit into counseling, with a good counselor, you will come to a point where you want to flee, because you will be faced with acceptance and change.And change is VERY hard to do after a lifetime of training. At that point you MAY flee, because the well worn path you know seems easier. In the long run, it isn't. So stick to it. Wish you so much good luck.
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Good idea........help her pack! And look for Assisted Living residences in GA or even in TX if you would like to keep her nearby but not in the same house with you. I could never, ever, under any circumstances have my mother living under the same roof with me and so, I made the decision years ago to never have it happen. She's been in AL since 2014 and now in Memory Care. She'll be 94 in January. She's miserable 24/7 but she gets to complain to OTHERS for 23.5 hours of each day rather than to ME. She gets great care over there, too, by teams of people who work 24/7 in order to provide it. She also gets to schmooze with other elders in the same boat, so to speak, so they can all complain together. Misery loves company, right?

Good luck!
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"I Love Her But I Don't Like Her"


You love your mother, you just don't like "her ways."

YAY, YOU. CHEEEEERS : )

You still love your mother regardless of her being mean. Good for you. Most people can't understand that.

You say your mother acts miserable and has mentioned 4 times that she wants to go back to GA. It could be that she is not happy in TX.

If her wish is to go back to GA, honor her wishes.


Be Blessed : )
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I totally sympathize as I recently took in my 93 year old father who can be very pleasant but also can be downright nasty. I was the first of my sibs to say I would never allow him to live with me (although my home is best suited to this) and that if left to me, he was going to spend every last dime in assisted living. Then covid happened so here he is (with everyone's knowledge that it's just until assisted living is safer) but still he'll be in town and I'll be carrying a burden alone. And I'm having to put up with the nasty moods and yelling. I lived with those nasty moods and temper my childhood and now live a very quiet peaceful life with no yelling. This is really very hard on my husband (a nice quiet guy) and on me, who have been doing everything we can for dad until Covid is over. So, I get it. In my case I repeat to him at least every other day that this is just until Covid is over and I can get my life back. When the time comes, he won't go peacefully because it's nice here.... the lap of luxury. This is a long winded way of telling you that you MUST set your boundaries and constantly repeat it even if it's uncomfortable for everyone ... and I know it's hard. I've told dad he can't do this or he'll be out even if Covid isn't over. It has zero effect as he doesn't believe that. But I know that I must follow up on the threat. He sounds not nearly as bad as your mom, though. You are entitled to be happy but it's up to you to make that happen. And ,yes, I tell myself this every. single. day.
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What’s in this for you? I’d likely talk to a counselor to get help on why you are in this living arrangement with a person who makes you miserable, if you don’t know. Some people are in those kinds of arrangements due to finances, lack of options, etc. but if that’s not the case, figure out why and ways to remedy it. It’s unlikely a person in their 80s will change. I wish you all the best in finding her alternate housing.
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Why did you move her?
Was there a medical reason?
Was this to make it "easy" for you to manage her appointments and other things? If so there are Care Managers that can do this for you and for her since she would be paying for the service.
If you are avoiding her then she might as well be back in GA.
If this is what she wants and if this is what you want then help her find a place that is suitable in GA for her.
Look for Assisted Living facilities that also have Memory Care. There is a possibility that with the Parkinson's she may eventually be diagnosed with LBD (Lewy Body Disease, another form of Dementia.) One of the symptoms of LBD can be outbursts and violence.
But as long as she would be safe where she ends up then it would be a "win-win" she would be back in GA and you would not have contact with her.
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Dementia or Alzheimer’s? Aren’t they the same?
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graygrammie Nov 2020
Well, Alzheimer's is one form of dementia, but there are other types as well. https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-dementia/types-of-dementia
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You seem to understand the situation. You love your mother. Maybe you feel a familial responsibility. But you don't like your mother's behavior. That is how I felt towards my father.

My advice is to make space.

I moved him from FL to MN near me so that I could monitor his health first hand and to do things for him that would difficult to do remotely, but easy if he lived near by.

But i did not want to live under the same roof since he's always been a downer, negative, unpleasant. So, we found a complex that offered both independent and assisted living. He liked that idea.

Sometimes we'd talk about topics that made me mad. But over time I was able to separate necessary conversations from ugly talk. I started to tell him I was not interested in the ugly talk. I would cut him off when he started down the path of ugly talk. I would leave if needed.

But I always returned to clean, pay bills, take to dr... I felt good for taking care of him. Maybe he wanted a sounding board for complaints and that I could not provide. But I did the best I could for him. That's all anyone can do.

Can you find the space, separation, you need in your house? If not then consider an apartment for her. I know you bought a house with her in mind so this would be a big change of plans. But do consider it.

As others have said also consider moving her back to GA. If she really wants that then it's not a bad option. It will be much harder for you to care for her. You will need to rely on others more.

If she is going to live independent then look into an emergency pendent and a service for daily call. And other in home services for cleaning and food.
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I hear your frustration - I too loved but did not like. Has your Mom been tested by a Doctor to tell you she if free from mental health problems? Dementia can be mild and seem normal, even when it is not. I finally learned that I had to put aside my feelings and deal with Mom. I got myself a therapist, for me not her. As I learned to deal with my own feelings, I found it easier to deal with her.

I wonder, does your Mom have any friends in TX? Does she have any activities that she will participate in? Does she have any other in home caregivers? Moving her from GA to TX does separate her from friends and possibly family that she knew for a long time and misses now. Check out her Insurance and see if she has coverage for a therapist for her (I did this for mother). It turned out to be a good thing even though she had dementia and didn't remember why the lady came every two weeks. It turned out Mom thought she was a friend that had come to visit and she loved it.

Don't stay angry with her it is not worth the damage you are doing to yourself. Get that therapist and find your way to peace with her even if is only within yourself.
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first of all that sucks, I know it first hand. I will recommend a book first Difficult Mother’s and grown daughters, it will give you some perspective.🙏🏼
my second suggestion is to let her go, help her pack and enjoy your new life.
it reckless in regards to you own life to still be trying to be responsible for your mother and still be trying to please someone that is unpleasable. Her own shadows will end up haunting you forever and you will resent her and that is no way for you to live. You deserve a full life, just like she already had and can continue to once you let her go💝 peace to you. Tammy- adult daughter of a miserable mother. Let it go~
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AKATammy Nov 2020
I am in the midst of packing my mom, as I came back from LA a year ago to do the same thing. You are sweet and you did what you thought was right. I did too and it has cost me dearly, they know how to take and sooner than later it will eat you alive
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You are under no obligation to like anyone - even family. If she is not a person you friends with- that is ok. Also avoiding a mean-spirited person is important for mental survival. I have no suggestions -- seems like you have it under control.
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Donkeygirl Nov 2020
So what do you do when she is all your responsibility? Walk away and say "Good luck?"
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Your mother doesn't have dementia.
She wants to return to GA.
So... what's stopping her?

I hope it isn't you. Where she lives is properly her own choice to make.

The reality, though, is likely to be that if you change your tune and do - with good grace, mind - offer to help her pack, that will be the last you hear of that idea. She will probably switch to how it's all your fault that she now can't move back to GA even though she longs to because it's impossible for reasons that... are probably all your fault too.

Am I guessing right, approximately?

Has she always been like this, or are the limitations and pains of old age ruining her temper?
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marymary2 Nov 2020
If the poster's mother has always been like this, what would that mean? My mother was always cruel and uncaring to me - the one who did all the caretaking (my father died when I was a teenager and she relied on me to do all he did, which was most everything). Thanks for any insight Countrymouse. Your advice is always great.
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I wish you the best of luck. My big problem with this covid I lost my income then our truck broke down and mom told us she'd give us 400.00 a month for the payment. That was our down fall now she is with use. I live in hell everyday. She has numerous medical problems (mostly her own fault because she doesn't listen to the doctors) So I decided to open a shop on line to get money in, hopefully to pay off truck. Yesterday asked my friend how to get medicaid for mom so I can put her *** in a faculity. If I could get in a faculity I might be able to pick up a part time job. Right now I stuck at home watching her because we can't trust her by herself. Thank you all for your answers makes me think and feel better to put her someplace.
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My goodness. I needed this thread. I have no idea why I keep wanting to please my mother, and it just comes back to bite me. I spend WAY too much mental energy going over and over our last interaction. Each one ends in a mess. Thank you all for your responses to the OP. They are so helpful.
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JeannetteD Nov 2020
Exact same here. Lifelong habit of wanting to please others, and it has taken half of my life of caring for my mother to finally realize that I don't need to. NOW I feel like an adult....at 53.
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you say she does not have dementia, etc., then why the move?  How old is she?  Does she have other disabilities that you purchased a house with an elevator? Are there any other siblings?  Maybe she was happier where she lived and since you moved her, then yes you will get the downfall of anger.  Has she always been angry at you? or does she angry at others as well?  If she upsets you that much then not sure its worth the stress you are putting on yourself.  If you are contemplating that she will soon need some help, then speak with an elder attorney, and also with your mom, discuss the future and how she wants things handled.  Wishing you luck.
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Grocery stores will save boxes for you and Uhaul sells them. Give mom her wish and enjoy a better life for you both
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2020
Walmart sells moving boxes as well, at a very low price. Sizes frm small to large.
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Anger is part of the disease. Please keep in mind that her brain is broken. Knowing that my dad has a broken brain helped me so much. If she had any other physical disease that changed her appearance, you would be very sympathetic. So understand, she has a broken brain. The disease is making her act the way she acts.
We put dad on an antidepressants that has helped a lot. It took 2 weeks to work. I have learned to walk away from confrontation and take deep breaths. I found a fabulous book on dementia and a couple support groups. I go to Bible study and pray a lot too.
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Daughterof1930 Nov 2020
The poster states that the mother doesn’t have dementia
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Hi Montie:

If your mother was always mean and used you as a punching bag she may have Narcissistic Personality disorder.

Search for it on your search engine of choice.

If she does have NPD, she will never change.

If her behavior is recent and unusual behavior it may be that she is hates the move.

I agree with the person who mentioned that she may suddenly behave if you use some reverse psychology and tell her you will help her move back to GA.

This may chasten her.

With that said, if she does have NPD, even that will not change anything.
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If your mother is living independently and has complained "only" 4 times in 3 months about wanting to go back to GA, you are getting off easy. Could she return to GA and could you arrange for some Home Health Care or an aide if she needs some help?
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Lololololol...Im sorry for laughing but this gave me a chuckle this morning...Ive gone through the same thing with my mom and my husbands 101 year old Grandma who is living with us right now....poor thing lost her husband of 75 years and this year lost her home due to fires in Northern Cal...she has been extremely angry and ugly at times because all she wants is to go live back up there but theres many complications to that obviously....the family has been working on a living situation for her but in the meantime its been rough
.....in my experience the anger comes in waves...Its taken a lot of time and therapy but Ive learned and am still learning to not take it personally...the behavior will dissipate for a while and then rear its ugly head for a while so just expect it. Have empathy but set boundaries if you need to...try not to argue or enable the behavior...its also ok to just smile and say, "ok mom"...with older people less is more..take breaths, take care of yourself and take "breaks" when you need to, get help when you need it...thats about all you can do..
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My guess is that she wasn't happy in GA either!!
After years of my NM complaining about living with my brother in Co, my Mom decided to move near me in Montana.
Now all she does is complain about her current living situation !
I offered to help her move back to Co!!
It might be easier for you to take her verbal abuse from long distance!
By all means, send her packing!!
You're not her "Whipping Boy "!
Hang in there!!
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It sounds like she’s emotionally abusive, it will affect your health and life if you allow it to continue. I think first you should have a talk w her and be straightforward in enforcing some boundaries with the expectation that she abide by them and if not you’ll need to talk with her about alternate living arrangements
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If she is mentally competent, then she can make her own decisions. Seems she is more than capable of deciding where to live and how to make this happen. Don't let her push you around. It is not your job to make her happy; only she can decide to be happy. When she acts up, the "visit" (whether in person or over the phone) is over.
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Sometimes the best thing to do is stand back and say.. I cant do this.

You say "I moved her" did she agree to this?

You and Mom need to lay out ground rules and boundaries of conduct. Make it clear to her if she cannot keep whatver these commitments are then she will need to go somewhere else.

If your Mom is reasonably capable of living on her own in GA then let her return.
Start making plans now for when the time comes she will not be able to live on her own. Get her agreement to that plan. When that time comes implement the plan.

you bought a home with an elevator, moved her from GA to TX. You have put out a lot of money and a lot of time. If you did all this without her being on board you are really being quite controlling of your Mother and she may not be ready for it.
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Perhaps I have correctly read all of the OPs information. Why did Mom move from GA to TX in the first place? Was she having some type of problem? Was she living in a senior facility in GA? Did you both talk about the move and agree to it. Is the current home you both live in a single family home (you are almost forced to see and communicate with each other) or does it have a mother-in-law suite (you two miss each other for 2-3 days with luck).
Has she always been mean spirited? Leopards seldom change their spots as they get older and if she has always been this way..... well, you kind of knew this was going to be a bumpy road. You do realize that any medical problems she had in May that are related to aging are only going to get worse, not better. If she was living alone in GA and was capable and competent, perhaps you should let her go. If you are an only child and she doesn't not have close friends, you should prepare yourself to be, at the very least, next of kin for phone calls from hospitals, etc should she become ill or incapacitated. This can be a very difficult conversation (maybe have it after you goth develop a "return to GA" plan.... when she may be in a good mood, but if you don't have it place, discuss with her the benefit to her of having a current DPOA, medical proxy and living will in place. You will be happy to have those in force regardless of her location. Good luck on your journey.
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Get an "Elder Cottage" for her and stick her in the back yard! She can then get angry by herself.
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kat1944 Nov 2020
WizerOne, I love your answer!
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I do not know how you can love a person like this. You may wish you could love your mom and have a good relationship but it has never worked in the past so why try? I have to say that moving when you are old is very hard. It took me 3 years to get used to a beautiful place I chose for myself. I had nostalgia for my old home. But my life had changed and I needed a quiet supportive environment. Now I love my new home and have new friends. I think she is lucky to have you care for her. Maybe you should tell her that. There is no helping some people. You really went out of your way for her. Is it possible she is complaining to get you to do even more to try and please her? Maybe take her to look at homes near you that she won't like, of course. I assume she couldn't go back to the exact place in GA where she lived. Discuss other options in GA. Maybe tell her you will find a different place for her to live soon because it isn't working out for you either.
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xrayjodib Dec 2020
Goody2shoes,

Unfortunately, I can answer the "Why?" question.

When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, you are systematically programmed to believe that you are loved for what you do instead of being loved for who you are.

I grew up believing that everyone's mom was like mine.
I had to "earn " love, so I became a classic overpleaser.

We're not supposed to hate mom!! Right??
It's a hard habit to break!!

It is possible to love someone, but detest the things they do.
It's heartbreaking!!
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In my opinion, moving house can take 6 months or so to adjust. She will be grieving her old home, friends, social connections.

Even if outgoing, it takes time to join new groups & make new connections. To feel like you fit into your new area - even just finding a new coffee shop. For quieter types or those with depression, it's a harder task. Then add any Covid complications shutting things down/limiting things too.

The 'poor old me - it's all your fault' attitude is silly (unless you really did force her of course). So don't take that. Explain she chose to move & it will take time.

What was the reason? If living physically closer to you was the goal - she has achieved that.

Or did she actually want to live with you & you look after all her needs yourself? Sometimes.. when you ask.. you get shocked at the answer!
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