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I’ve been married to a very controlling, bad tempered, abusive man for 42 years. We separated five years ago for a year. I remained faithful but he had a girlfriend. We got back together and he was even worse than ever. A couple years later he developed Alzheimer’s and now I take care of him. I have been asked out by a wonderful man. Part of me thinks I deserve some happiness as I never had it with my husband. My conscience tells me, I can’t see this nice man. Life is short but I don’t want to go against God. I’m so confused! Please help

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Personally, I wouldn't worry about God. You've been through Hell already.
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MJ1929 Jan 2022
After thinking about this for a minute, I'm going to add something, though --

What kind of "nice" man asks out a married woman who is caring for her husband, Alzheimer's or not? That seems really weird.

I could see that happening if your husband was in a facility, but if I understand correctly, is he still home?

I see nothing wrong with having lunch with a friend -- even a male one -- but are you thinking there's more to this than that? If so, I'd be a little wary of a "nice man" who's moving in for the kill this way.
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Good grief, can't you leave the abuser behind and enjoy knowing someone nice? Go for it.
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Why did you get back together with a man who has been abusing you for 42 years? You say this is 'a difficult question & hope we won't be too hard on you'. Is that because you know you're staying in an abusive relationship when God doesn't want you to DO that? When He wants you to RESPECT the body and the life He gave you? By staying and allowing this abuse to continue, THIS is how you are 'going against God' in reality, not by divorcing this abusive husband and moving on with the life you were given & expected to cherish.

You have your priorities entirely backwards. But that's what tends to happen with abusive men; they convince you that you're the bad guy and they're the good guy. That you deserve no happiness. Therein lies the trouble and the bald faced LIES.

Get rid of your husband by getting him placed into managed care, then file for divorce or at least legal separation, then embrace all the happiness life has to offer you, wherever you happen to find it, with whomever you happen to find it with. You deserve to.
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DrBenshir Jan 2022
Depending on the state it can be very difficult to divorce someone who is dependent and mentally incompetent. Lealonnie1 does have good advice: get your husband into long term care and legally separate. If there is no one who can take care of him and your state makes it difficult to divorce him, you might have long term guardianship of him. Consider all of the fiscal and legal ramifications. You are in control now, not your abusive husband. Get help to make decisions that are best for you, since you still have to manage life independently. Your husband will be cared for in some way, but you have only yourself. Do not involve any children or extended family in your decision making. They will see this from their perspective not yours. After all is completed legally, make sure that any family members who need to know are told what the new arrangements are. Do not get into a relationship before your marriage is reorganized. In many states this can be used against you when dissolving the marriage. Lawyer first, dating second. I hope both work out well for you.
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"God’s covenantal design for marriage is broken by abuse, and Scripture does not mandate that an abused wife must remain married to an abuser; therefore, the body of Christ is called to model God’s compassion toward abused women through effective strategies designed to meet the needs of women who are trying to escape abusive relationships.  God designed marriage to be a covenantal relationship through which spouses could experience companionship, physical relationship, respect, love, and caring. On the contrary, abuse and neglect are condemned by Scripture and can break the marriage covenant. When this happens, divorce is permitted due to the hard-heartedness of the abuser and as a legal protection for the abused. "

Source: https://mendingthesoul.org/resources/general/a-biblical-response-to-the-abused-wife/

Yes, go and date this nice man. It may help you to get some counseling before entering into another relationship. Many abusers start out "nice" and the victims have a high tolerance for bad treatment by others.

If you are attending a church where the pastor or others are admonishing/pressuring/guilting you to stay with your abuser, you should also divorce this church. I wish you peace and joy as you move forward to a better life.
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If you can get away from H for two hours--which may not be a small feat--then go on the date.
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Personally I think you should have divorced him 5 years ago. The fact that he was abusive would have been enough but the fact that he also has/had a girlfriend should have sealed the deal. (Where is she and why is she not caring for him?)
Anyway...a few thoughts for you.
You can divorce him now. Yeah you will get haters for that move but not if they knew the backstory.
You can place him in Memory Care. That way you will not be personally caring for a man that has been abusive to you. Yup, your are going to get haters for this move as well. (see ya just can't win with some people!)
Before you do anything at least consult with an Elder Care Attorney and see what options you have that will be beneficial to you. (sometimes it is financially better to divorce, other cases it is better to remain married, at least on paper)

One other thing...If your husband is a Veteran please check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission they will help determine if he is eligible for any benefits from the VA. They will do this free of charge.

lastly....Life is short and you never know what is going to happen. If you want to see this person go ahead. I doubt seriously that God will mind. It is your husband and his abuse and infidelity that has to "worry". And maybe MJ1929 is right, you have served your penance here on earth.
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Go. Have an enjoyable evening out.
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I am an atheist, so for me god doesn't enter this equation. Morally, however, I think that you should either legally separate (even if you intend to take care of this gentleman) before dating another. I am uncertain why you have chosen to take care of someone who has not been good to you, who has given you a miserable life; for myself, if POA, guardian, next of kin, I would place my husband, visit him as you might a friend, and would legally separate so as to protect my own assets, or divorce. THEN I would feel free to date another man. Now if we are simply speaking of FRIENDSHIP here, then I see utterly no reason at all why you might not have a friend in your circumstances, either male OR female.
I wish you the best.
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I would have left him after the FIRST moment he was abusive and I certainly wouldn't be taking care of him in his old age. I don't understand why anyone would stay with someone like that and I don't have patience for this...
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graygrammie Jan 2022
Speaking for myself, it took me over thirty years of marriage to recognize the abuse. Abuse was always defined as physical, it is only in my recent years that we have come to understand that emotional, verbal, spiritual, and psychological abuse are perhaps even more damaging than physical abuse. But they are harder to recognize, harder to address, and harder for others to believe. So an "I would have left him after the FIRST moment" statement indicates to me that you are referring to physical abuse, which this poster may not have been referring to at all.
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If you want to please God, start searching the bible for what is written about divorce, infidelity, and remarriage. I cannot speak for God, and will not give you bible verses because that is frowned upon.

Yes, be gentle on yourself, but make serious inquiries according to your conscience. You always are free to not follow what God wants.

I had spent 10 years alone after a divorce. How I understood the bible was:

1. God allows divorce due to infidelity. (But this is not His perfect plan for marriage). Note: Your husband committed adultery, and is abusive.

2. If an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him leave. You are under no obligation.
Note: Would you believe the bible if you read where it was an error to 'remarry'? (get back with your husband after the infidelity). I don't understand it either.

3. You may be free to remarry under certain circumstances.

Ask yourself:
What kind of a "nice" man asks out a married woman?
So, you might want to learn how to make wise choices so as not to end up with an abuser or adulterer a second time. Statistics show that is a very real possibility, unless you take the time to learn.

You might want to figure out ahead of time what your standards and beliefs are, and go by your conscience. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you are divorced to start another relationship.

My comment may fly in the face of many with different beliefs, but you said that you don't want to go against God. If you read carefully, and understand,
Alva's advice and mine are basically the same.

My advice is: Wait until you are a widow or divorced before starting a new dating relationship.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Why should she wait? She isn't young and her husband who she's been miserable with for 42 years now has Alzheimer's. She should consider him dead to her now and claim some wee bit of happiness for herself.
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My wonderful neighbour cared for his wife at home for as long as possible, with the help of a women who became his girlfriend.

Once his wife went into a care facility he went and ate lunch with her every single day. And spent his evenings with his friend.

I am not passing judgement on you for finding happiness.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
Not the same situation. This husband has been abusive for a LONG time, and it will be worse with Alzheimer's. She needs to walk away and divorce.
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I certainly hope nobody will give you a hard time for asking your question.

My main reservation is to do with whether the nice man really is a nice man, or whether you might be taking a risk. I'd almost like it if he came onto the forum and let us interrogate him as to his intentions. As to is it okay for you to live a little - sure, long overdue and well-deserved. Take care of yourself, please, and don't rush into anything you're not sure you're happy about.
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Go and have a good time. See that elder law attorney to learn what would be best for you related to the marriage.
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Is it God, or is it the Bible you are worried about going against? The books of the Bible were written by many authors, as well as being handed down through oral tradition from even more authors who were not literate. The newest was written almost 2000 years ago. The books of the Bible are NOT the literal word of God , and they were never written with situations like yours in mind. Just like your situation is very different from King David and his hundreds of wives and concubines.

You need to work out for yourself what your personal God would insist on here. For many people (including me) it would be to put the abuser in care using his own money, start divorce proceedings, and move on to make the best you can out of the rest of your life. Don't make a martyr of yourself.
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MountainMoose Jan 2022
Preach! And don't forget the Bible's been manipulated to suit the will of the current king.
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As a full grown adult, you can decide without permission what's best for you. In the world there are no right or wrong decisions. Only practical ones and stupid ones. You're free to chose.
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God doesn't care. If he did he wouldn't have let you marry an abusive man. My only concern is while this new man may seem decent he may be controlling and abusive like current husband since people repeat patterns. Sometimes without even realizing it.
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Its dinner with someone....happens to be a guy. I can say that easily because I (female) have male friends 4 to 1. Dinner may or may not lead to anything....but you may end up with a circle of new friends....and that's not a bad thing. What I can say that being around a guy that's more "normal" than what your husband was can give you a different perspective of how things should have been and how maybe you see your future.

You don't want to go against God. I don't believe God expects women to suffer through your type of marriage. How do you know that God didn't send this man your way? Maybe God is giving you happiness after so many years.

Just sayin' not sayin'.
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I am totally confident that this will offend many of our posters, but it’s based on my own and other women’s experience. Don’t be too bothered if your nice guy wants to get into your pants. Many of them do, and many succeed. Even if you decide it was a bad idea, it gives you something completely different to worry about, blame yourself for, and realise that life exists outside the rut you have been living in. It’s not such a good idea to go for the first ‘nice man’ you meet on the rebound. Don’t expect perfection. There’s not a lot of it about!
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partyof1 Jan 2022
Love this response!
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"Maud won't come into the garden
Sing to her as ye may,
Maud says she begs your pardon
But she wasn't born yesterday."

[Joyce Grenfell's wonderful response to Tennyson's poem "Come into the garden, Maud"]
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Riverdale Jan 2022
I love Tennyson. "Crossing the Bar" was one of my grandfather's favorite and read at his memorial.
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This might sound cruel to some....... but I would have divorced him a long time ago, God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation.
It is not your fault he has Alzheimer's. Don't let guilt make you stay.=
Let his family take care of him, you have been through enough mental abuse and possibly physical abuse and I am sure they know that and they should have been there supporting you, sounds like they were not there for you... they can't expect you to stay after everything you have been through and then to shoulder his Alzheimer's on top of it.
See your gentleman friend to start with just as a friend until you can get your own life back in prospective.
If he is a true gentleman and great guy he will support you through the time you need to figure everything out. In turn that gives you time to see who he is and what he is about as well.
You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves bringing guilt and shame into situations.
Validate yourself that you are worthy to be happy.
Then take the steps you need to take to get to the place that you want to be, in a healthy self-love care for yourself.
Just take your time and don't rush a new relationship, develop deep friendships that will last.
Think about seeing a therapist for the sole reason of learning what is healthy in a relationship and steering away from patterns and narcissist type of men and abusive behaviors, it is a healing journey for you.
After going through some relationship therapy and grounding yourself in a healthier mind and spirit you will begin to see things fall into place and God is always there to guide you every step of the way, he is only one prayer away.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy".
Be Happy and and start your healing journey......
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InFamilyService Jan 2022
Perfect response to her and I could not add a thing. Thank you.
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Why are you punishing yourself? You put your time in with a jerk. Now that person's effectively gone and you're stuck sweeping up after the shell of what sounds like an awful person. You've done your time. Life's too short. Place him and live your life.
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If you want to date, then end the marriage. Get your husband into an assisted living facility that transitions to memory care when he needs it.

As for whether or not dating after this marriage is morally correct, seek counselling from your local faith leader or elder. make sure that their guidance it grounded in your holy writings.
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I think you have suffered MORE than long enough. Personally I think you should leave him and go live your life. I realize this isn’t as easy as that….but I hope you find the strength to stop putting this man first in your life. You only get one life to live. You’ve endured enough abuse. It sounds like he is not deserving of your loyalty and maybe now his family or someone else can take on this burden.
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Pamela wrote: "I'm so confused!"

I really think you should see a good therapist that is well experienced in the area of abusive relationships.

You need help to:
--sort out why you went back to this A-hole of a husband, and
--how to get away from him, and
--not repeat the pattern
--recognize nice men from controlling men
--how to value yourself so that you can find, date and establish relationship with nice men.

In short, you are not ready for a nice man. You can go on a date with this guy if you want, but it's too early to say he's a nice man.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
Good advice.
This woman is no way ready to be dating or seeing other men for a potential relationship. It will be the same old same old until this woman feels self-worth and self-respect. She needs to surround herself with people that will unconditionally support her - and this may mean, at this time, only a professional therapist. "Many" men will see an easy target and take advantage. She shouldn't go near a dating situation and if in mixed-sex company, only be a group setting (during Covid, not recommended).
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Read the 23rd Psalm, especially the part 'He maketh me to lie down in green pastures'...it means 'God' intends for us to be happy, at peace, serene. If you stayed with an abusive spouse for so long, you went against God's intention for you, not to criticize but to point out that we are all only human, we make mistakes, but we always have the Grace to change course. You have stuck by your husband because of the vows you took, commendable; and you can take steps to ensure your disabled husband gets proper care for whatever is ahead in his life's story. You have a chance, a God-given chance, to have companionship, if he is an honorable human being and treats you well. You may have a marriage license with the abuser but you may not have had a true marriage in God's eyes; think about it. Your husband was the 'adulterer' if you look at things that way, you stayed 'true' to your vows. Speak to your pastor or any trusted advisor; you might be helped to see you are torturing yourself over something that does not even exist anymore. Your 'conscience' is likely more 'shoulds' put on you by your conditioning, including at the hands of an abuser, that you don't 'deserve' your own happiness. Your abusive husband may have never hit you, but your thinking may fit classic 'battered wife syndrome.' Reach for goodness, not a 'rescuer' but a chance to see that a relationship, even just a platonic friendship, can be supportive instead of something to be endured.
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That your abusive husband had a girlfriend is all that I need to know. If you're concerned about going against God, I totally understand. I've was once in your shoes. So I can tell you that Biblically, once he went after another woman, he broke his vows to you, and you are free to go. You are under no obligation to stay with him and continue to be his whipping post.
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Invisible Jan 2022
Had the girlfriend while separated. That should have been a signal then to divorce him. Waited too long. Takes two to make a marriage.
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Why haven’t you divorced him? I have a friend who waited so long that her husband was mentally incapable of a divorce agreement.
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I believe a marriage vow is a marriage vow:
In sickness and in health, forsaking all others.

If you didn't vow that, you are free to do as you please.
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Cover99 Jan 2022
lol
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God would want you to be happy, after all you've been through. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but you have my blessing.
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You should divorce this abuser.

It doesn't matter why you took him back but, you did and now you should severe the ties that make you question your activities. Because only you know your heart and what you believe about God. Don't listen to strangers on an anonymous forum to gain justification to go against your personal convictions.

Infidelity and abuse are valid reasons to divorce. Even if he now has Alzheimer's.

If you start today, you will be a free woman in about 90 days.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
Yes. Divorce the B. 90 days. Is that all it takes?
I appreciate your response here.
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