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Hi Pamela8,
Firstly, never accept an abusive relationship again.
Don't be afraid to allow the development of a healthy relationship with the "wonderful" man. Start by developing a strong friendship and see how it plays out.
You deserve a "night out". Take the new relationship slowly. Your situation will serve as a natural vetting of your new "friend". Be honest with yourself...
Is he supportive of your caring for a person that has Alzheimer's?
Your husband is and has been abusive. He is lucky to have someone that has tolerated him up to this point.
With that being said, I tend to think that you kind of signed up for caring for him when you took him back. Now, what kind of care should he get is part of your decisions going forward. If he is in late stages of the disease; placement in a facility might be in order.
If you remain discreet and respectful, you can hardly make a decision that God would ever condemn. You have been faithful and continue to be dutiful.
On the divorcing... I'm not sure that I would go down that path unless you truly just want to be rid of him. There are so many factors to be considered like financials, etc. Divorce can be very stressful, etc ...
Bottom line, be good to yourself. Allow your new "friendship" to develop slowly (if at all possible). Never again settle for an abusive type of relationship.
Trust that you are wise to your needs and trust your instincts when accessing the new relationship.
You need to take care of yourself. You have been a loyal partner that has endured more than anyone would ever expect. I do not believe that your life requires further sacrifice on your part.
May God bless you. May things begin to play out and get better for you.
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
Well said, Dale. Thank you.
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I’ve read all the replies and one thing you must do is get control of the marital finances. Learn what is what with a good divorce atty. AFTER you have control, legally, in writing, call his family together and tell them what you plan to do. In the mean time have a nice date or two. But you need an atty involved. A controlling abuser probably has kept you unaware of your finances. Knowledge is Power. Good luck
PS Dale’s answer on the money. A lot depends on the stage of alz.
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Personally, I would start divorce proceedings and send him to assisted or memory care. Not your responsibility any more. The ONLY problem with that would be if it affected the relationship you might have with any kids. Also, remember, if he is getting higher amount of Social Security than you, 2 years after you divorce him, you get the amount he is getting, but he still gets his full amount. Win/ Win.
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Franklymydear Jan 2022
Social security benefits can be complicated, so call them to get information on the rules.
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You did not actually ask the question, but you are looking for permission to to go out with this other man. What is your husband's current condition and level of functioning? Is he dependent on your physical care-taking?
Can you just go out for an evening or if your husband needs supervision, could you hire a care taker for a few hours? I suppose you would have to explain your absence, and "I'm going out for dinner with Ben," would not be well received. You might have to make the break with your husband before you could continue with a new man. Becoming aware of legal consequences is good advice.
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Invisible Jan 2022
If it's all above board, she shouldn't have any trouble telling her husband she is going to dinner with Ben. If she wants it to turn into a romance, she should let her husband go. But it seldom works out that way. Marriage vows are useless.
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WARNING: IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE CONDITIONED INTO THINKING you must be on the defensive in a relationship. If you ACCEPTED ABUSE THAT MANY YEARS, you will FEEL COMFORTABLE if this new man does the same thing. It is a PATTERN of behavior you need to break. If you are SEXUALLY attracted to him, it MIGHT BE because he is also an abuser and playing his "good side" to win you over. IF SO, once he has you, he will ALSO abuse you. You WON'T RECOGNIZE the red flag warnings. I suggest A) you consult social workers in your health plan and/ or Office on Aging in your city for referrals to GET YOUR HUSBAND INTO AN ALZEIMERS HOME or another family member's home, B) GET A LAWYER and divorce him, C) GET INTO PSYCHOTHERAPY to discover the behavioral PATTERNS you have become accustomed to and FIND OUT how to PREVENT such a relationship from happening again, in a lifestyle pattern. D) If your divorce lawyer says it would not hurt you financially if you see another man while still married, then do have lunch with him. Maintain FRIENDSHIP for more than 6 months before re-marrying after your divorce, to get to know him and how he handles it when you are strong, when you want to keep your girl friends, etc. Watch for the warning signals of gas lighting and emotional/psychological abuse. Heed the warnings. Here they are: (from personal experience): From experience, here is a list of behaviors that need to draw a red flag in your mind.
Excessive control over who you see, even to stopping you.Visits, phone calls,all controlled.
Excessive negative assessment of what you do and how you do it. The eggs aren't done right, the house isn't clean enough. (as opposed to someone saying, "how can I help get this done, so such and such happens).
Blaming that escalates.It would sound like, "YOU did this and that" when you KNOW you did not. Of course, if you did,say yes, and you'll try not to next time.Encourage your person to use "I"messages,such as "when this happens, I feel...".
Unexplained absences. Or, conversely,WEIRDLY explained absences.
Upset when you become stronger, smarter, or more accomplished. (With me,it was going back to college.)
Unexplained illnesses that occur when the person is with you.
You become scared and don't know why. To this, you will be accused of paranoia.
Money starts disappearing, and you are accused of squanderingitwithoutthinking.
Unexplained bills coming to the home for items you did not buy. For me, one was a gold watch and the other was for Rat Poison.
You find yourself CONSTANTLY on the defensive. You may HEAR YOURSELF saying "I'm sorry" quite a lot. And, you feel you need to WALK ON EGGSHELLS to not"set off"your person. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD. In fact, my therapist said men who are abusive DELIBERATELY choose sweet, innocent church women because they know they control them. IN FACT THEY OFTEN USE SCRIPTURE to justify the abuse, (your husband is your head, and Jesus is his head, so women obey your husbands). That is pure EVIL to keep a woman in BONDAGE that way.
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God doesn’t expect you to remain in an abusive relationship and He never did. God loves us and wants a good life for us. Leave this abusive man behind and build a new life. Alzheimer’s has nothing to do with it. I’m sorry you stayed so long and hope you’ll move on and embrace a positive life
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Dear Pamela8, the “ayes” have it! Go do some fun things with your new friend: almost all posters agree that you deserve some happiness, and it sounds like a new friend has almost fallen in your lap, so go out and expand your horizons. Maybe your new friend will turn out to be more than a friend, but for now can you just make plans for occasional meet-ups for a meal and/or to have adventures in your area?

I see you are in Shrewsbury area. On a fine-weather day it would be fun to go visit Hills Farm Pond on Stoney Hill Road in Shrewsbury, with its associated “Secret Garden” walking area. I read a review by a local, and he first ate at a local Lebanese place called Beirut Bite, then went to the Secret Garden which is suitable for both kids and adults. The Secret Garden sounds like good fun, and the sort of place you can spend little time at, or a lot of time at, and return to to see more. Review link 

https://allanwenchung.blogspot.com/2021/04/april-3rd-2021-secret-garden-in.html

Look at these tremendous photo snaps visitors have taken in the Secret Garden, I laughed at some of the sculptures
https://www.google.com/maps/uv?pb=!1s0x89e40951a5fd692d%3A0xcb2ff7f32d0ba8c9!3m1!7e115!5sGoogle%20Search!15sCgIgAQ&hl=en&imagekey=!1e10!2sAF1QipNds6X9AB5d9vWZDEkx5hrP2TIqhCkn2zVm7u2y&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjFgafnxKX1AhUImmoFHakZC1MQ9fkHKAJ6BAgBEDY

You deserve to now choose vibrant life, not cloistered abuse. Go for it! Come back and let us know how your life is progressing, we’ll be pulling for you.
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Don't just walk away - RUN.
My parents had a toxic dysfunctional marriage for 64 years. I observed it for my entire life. My father was a raging narcissist with sociopathic tendencies that just got worse the older he got. My mother was an enabling martyr that stuck with him to the end of her life. She died of a massive stroke from a heart condition that was caused by long term stress. Basically, my father's emotional and verbal abuse for 64 years is what killed her. Literally! He was a liar, cheater, control freak, no empathy, and a host of other disordered thinking and behaviors.
In 2018, when he had to be moved up to an ALF from IL, my mom went with him. I set it all up and instead of another 2 bedroom apartment, I got them each their own separate efficiency room. (Luckily they had LTC insurance.) She lasted less then 5 months there but often said to me that it was the best thing I could have done for her. When she got sick of the complaining and shenanigans, she could lock her door and have some peace and quiet. She was more relaxed those last few months then I could ever remember.
I guess what I'm trying to say is get out the F.O.G. (Fear Obligation Guilt) and save yourself. You deserve to take care of you and have a content life free from the hell you've suffered for 42 years. Just do it and don't look back. Good luck.
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Go out! Have fun. I married a guy like that and I left him 11 months later as his worst characteristics escalated. Leaving him changed who I was. I realized my own strength and how to expect more from a relationship. Go Go Go
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You know the answer already. You will have guilt and maybe regret that you sank to your husband's level of infidelity if you date while married.
At the most, your husband will live a few more miserable years with this disease. Can you wait? Will this nice fellow wait until you are free? Could the 3 of you do friendly things together ( dinner, movie, game night, walk, senior center activity, worship at church, etc)?
Frankly, I'm wondering about this new guy who is asking you to cheat on your husband ( who is a low life, no doubt). Does New Guy's morals match your own?
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MargaretMcKen Jan 2022
'New guy' is asking her out to dinner, not asking her 'to cheat on her husband'. And her husband does NOT own her body. 'You sink to your husband's level of infidelity if you date while married'? How about a work lunch? Does that count?

My first husband and I did not divorce until 10 years after we separated. DH1 wanted me to do the legal work for the divorce, I said if he wanted it he could pay for it. Yup, I sank to his level of infidelity, and most of time I enjoyed it.
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Well in my opinion you don't owe an abuser anything. He doesn't deserve your loyalty. But I would seek a divorce or at the very least a legal separation.

As for the "nice man" who asked you out. I would hold off on that. I agree with others who have asked why would a "nice man" ask a married woman out?

I don't think God wants us to stay in abusive relationships. I do believe in the sacred bond of marriage but your husband has already broken that trust. No, two wrongs don't make a right but if doing the right thing is important to you then file for divorce. I don't know how that works if one party isn't mentally competent as you say your husband has Alzheimer's. But I would look into it.
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The first thing you should do is to get a counselor/therapist for yourself. You need someone who can help you understand why you have been tolerating an abusive relationship including resuming it when you were not compelled to. Then you need an attorney to help you know what is involved in divorcing a husband with Alzheimer's -- it may not be as simple as one might think -- and how finances will be affected.

Focusing on this new man begs the question. It is hiding from dealing with the real issues. You can certainly have a platonic friendship at this time, but doing anything else will muddy the waters.
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Pamela, you should see a divorce attorney for a consult. I don't know of any state that divorce because of dementia is not allowed but, it might not be in your best interest, depending on the finances. And you definitely want as much out of this situation as possible.

Just to confirm, I am in the divorce the cowardly abuser group, he doesn't deserve a caring advocate that he has abused for 42 years.
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You really need some time on your own. If finances are not a problem for you stop "taking care of him" and figure how to put him in medicaid care. Take some time to figure out what you want and why you stayed in an abusive situation for so long and why you feel responsible for someone who was abusive.

By all means go out with the man you feel is nice. But be upfront with him and let him know that you are on a journey to discover your self. If he is a good man he will agree that is what you should be doing and will support you in your quest. Pay attention to his actions, his words. Is he treating you as an equal. Is he treating you the way you want to be treated.
Seek therapy for you to make sure you are able to take care of yourself, that you have the tools and the mindset. Then do it. Take care of yourself. All other good things will follow.
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Who volunteers for 42 years of abuse?
Your history indicates that your correct-decision-making capabilities may be pretty close to non-existent or at least super unhealthy.

I so agree with Iwithaml. You don't need another man unless he's a therapist.

And leave Gd out of this. He didn't send you the bum you stayed with, nor did He send you this NICE MAN. Gives me the shivers.

Btw, how did you have time to meet this guy? What makes him nice? Is he going to make it all better and make it all go away? Nice man my aunt Tilly.

Did good, healthy, reliable, decent friends, who have your best interest at heart, vett him and make a recommendation. Doubtful. No friend of mine would ever introduce me to a man, nor would I consider it, no matter how unhappy I've been, until I'm not only free, but more importantly after some time has passed to get healthy, and after I stop kicking every dang thing in sight for the s… time I've had (due only to his illness) for less than half the time you were in your nuthouse marriage. AND absolutely not until I say I'm ready.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you let it be known you're ready. Whoa, but okay, sorry, but we have to realize that what you ALLOWED yourself to endure, (as well as what I and others had to endure for too long but as loving, and dang worn out, head to wall banging caregivers) does not make for a good partner right away. To think it's smart to jump at the first lifesaver floating by while you're in the middle of a tempest may seem awefully tempting, is positively, 100%, going to be a big (you're going to pay for it) mistake. I wish on you magic, but honey child, no, uh-uh, nope, no good.

In your situation you're an easy target for a creep. You're beat up, and probably for more than 42 years. To look for a hero (outside of yourself) is another symptom of how badly you need counsel. This guy is not a knight in shining armor. He's not real, but instead a brief mental and heart needy respite for you, a temporary oasis, and a big fat juicey life long STD gift as the cherry on top.

The heck with morals. You'll get attached, and then he'll leave 'cause a needy person is a nuisance and then where are you once again? Not better off, and older.

Get with a support group, get girlfriends to talk to, to bounce things off on, to laugh and commiserate with and who likes you enough to kick you in the butt sometimes.

A therapist is necessary to help you to realize that;
(1) the person that ate large helpings of poop for 42 years will (guaranteed) only look for more of the same until you find out why your were a gourmand of such a meal, and
(2) you are your only lifesaver in the whole world.
Until you are healthy chances are strong that you can only encounter opportunists.

I hope I'm wrong, and wish you well.

One step at a time.

PS. I just re-read your query that included-"I hope you all won't be too hard on me". Forgot it while I wrote. Boy, that said a lot right there. But don't worry, it's never too late to grow some. Yes, lady, we've got 'em too. They just can't be seen. It's the same stuff that makes mama bears tough on their own.
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Pamela8 Jan 2022
thank You so much. You gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it. You’re a nice person. ❤️
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Go out with the “nice” man ..you deserve it. G-d will forgive you. Can remain platonic for a while? I also wonder why a “nice “ man would want to date a married woman? Or did you not tell him? Concentrate on getting abusive husband into facility & see Elder law Atty before any divorce Atty. He won’t be able to sign divorce papers if he has Alzheimer’s…they would not be valid. You have to make sure you are taken care of financially. Hugs 🤗
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Ricky6 Jan 2022
I agree with the comment,  “ Why a “nice “ man would want to date a married woman? “ There are fraudsters out in the wild, and many times you cannot ascertain who they are and their intentions. Proceed slow with caution.
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Pamela8: Imho, #1 Divorce the abuser, whom you have been tolerating for over four decades. #2 Then date the "nice man." Do not follow suit to the likes of the unfaithfulness that your husband exhibited. Tell the "nice man" of your issue and perhaps he will still be around/available.
Disclaimer: I may be the anomaly as years ago I was thrown to the curb (as well as our then 3 year old daughter) by a very bad and unfaithful less than hu-man.
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Immediately find your ideal situation. I suppose your soon to be ex has the resources for a full fledged establishment where a condition like his are dealt with daily. Assuming is all as you say, and frankly have zero reasons to doubt your words, 42 years with an abusive man exceeds the limits of willful endurance. You say you been lucky enough to have met a wonderful man? Assuming as well he is such as you mentioned, I say run, don’t walk, to enjoy your precious life. Commitment and marital vows don’t guarantee a proper match, and your desire to change for the better is the best course of action. Good luck, good riddance, and rest assured God Blesses the good people in this world.
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Release the guilt and forgive yourself. You’ve sacrificed a large part of your life. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to love, and be loved. You also deserve some fun and friendship after everything you’ve been through, and continue to endure. Have a nice time!
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OP, if it were not for this nice man, would you be contemplating separating/divorcing from your hub?

Whatever date with this man might just be one date if it indeed happens. I'd consider what you'd do if it doesn't. Is hope enough to drive change, or does it depend on a new relationship actually materializing?
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I just spent 5 years taking care of my mother and her husband and I had no life at all. I list all of my friends and there was no time for any relationship.
You deserve to be happy. I understand it is a marriage. But then again not so much anymore right? Don't do what I did and devote your entire existence to this person. It has taken a severe toll on my health and happiness. Like they used to say "Get a Life".
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All I can say is GO
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Pamela8 Jan 2022
I’m going
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You do deserve happiness....no question about it. Go on the date and enjoy yourself. Don't talk about your husband, the abuse or the caregiving. Just try to be in the moment and enjoy the dinner, movie, walk...whatever. Life is short.

Have fun!
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Did you ever consider that God went this man to bring you happiness?
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80 + answers, and Pamela 8 responds to MicheleDL, after the OP asks us to
"not be too hard on me".

Pamela8 (answers to MicheleDL):
18 hours ago
thank You so much. You gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate it. You’re a nice person. ❤️

BTW,
MicheleDL would be the friend to "kick butt!" and not mince words. Lol, Lol.
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MicheleDL Jan 2022
I said too much about not being ready for a partner. I should've given equal time to my support of running for the hills and away from Pamela 8's husband.
Being protective and good to oneself should be a part of our automatic self-preservation. Sometimes we can't and sacrifices must be made, but I can't wrap my head around helping evil even when it's knocked down. Think of the tyrants and monsters in history. If you saw one of those monsters limping down the street could you say, oh but this is different. I should help.
I can't talk about this anymore.
My prescription - Leave him for sure. Get things in order. Go for a mani/pedi, a massage, a shampoo and a cute edgy cut. Buy new undies, fun comfy (not sensible) shoes and one outfit for starters.
But I still think some time to breath and regroup is needed.
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Where did you get the idea God doesn't want you to be happy and get the most joy out of the life He's given you? You have a wonderful time out with your date; smile & laugh & be grateful for these second chance gifts.
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When young, my son asked great questions;
Who was the boss in the family? Can the boss change?What if you don't want to be bossed?

Be your OWN boss I say!
Promote yourself today.

Now as boss of your own destiny - does caregiving for your Ex with Alz still fit?
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Pamela8 Jan 2022
No it doesn’t. I’m seeing nice man soon for first time
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You deserve some happiness out of this life, if not now when?
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Your husband already has broken the bonds of matrimony. You are free. Divorce the man and live your life.
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Go on the date.
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